Since writing to you last, which seems like forever ago, so much has happened I am not sure where to begin. What do I name this blog? What should I talk about first? How it feels to leave your screaming child in the arms of strangers while you walk out of the room, put on a brave face and try and focus on something other than how much you miss your own heart, which you left behind for the day. Or maybe should I talk about how it feels returning to work after a year off, not caring about it at all during that year and suddenly being thrown back in the deep end. Perhaps I could mention (even though I'd prefer not to) how I didn't uphold any efforts for good health in the past month and as a consequence have gained a shitty 5kgs by eating high energy (low nutrition) foods and drink, and sitting on my bum all day. I would be lax if I didn't mention the complete exhaustion I am feeling, even tonight after a month of waking constantly. Oh, and did I mention how heartbreaking it is to be judged by those a little more old-school than us, how hurtful it is to hear people close to us suggest we were causing Lucy trauma by putting her in care? Poor little Lucy...... POOR LUCY'S MUM!
Clearly it all rolls into one thing......the start of childcare for Lucy and a return to the workforce for me. What a ridiculously emotional month it has been for the little family of ours. So after alluding to all these intertwined stories of turmoil and drama, I actually can't pick where to begin.
In my earliest memories, my mother was working part time - doing what she could to contribute to the family income and keep herself challenged in a career at the same time, while enjoying her days off with us doing lots of activities and having fun. In Greg's memories, his mother was a stay at home mum, work cut out for her with 4 healthy and active young kids running a muck on the family farm. It's funny how we often favour the way we had it as children naturally, without even thinking about it. I was always of the opinion that if Lucy has to go into childcare (which financially she does - I need to work to pay bills) we would embrace this and cope as best we could. Greg, who struggled with the thought of a stranger caring for our child for so many hours a week (at this stage 3 days), clearly thought that a stay at home mum was the best option. We both gravitated towards what we already knew. But what actually happened when the time came was that I burst into tears and hated it completely, and Greg was the one comforting me, telling me how it would be okay, that all would be well and she would adjust in time.
I can only talk from my own experience but I am sure many of you will back me up...the mum often has to deal with all the hardest, most heart wrenching moments, while the daddy's get the fun and giggles! I have taken Lucy for all her immunisation and have watched her give me a look that screams "BETRAYAL!" I have been the one to take her for blood tests when the nurse can't find a vein in her arm, can't find a vein in the second arm and finally taking blood from the back of her hand while Lucy screams with anger, pain and frustration louder than ever before. I have held her while lethargic with fever, warmed her when her fever dropped way too far and always been the one she has turned to for comfort no one else can match. So imagine the anxiety we both felt now that we had to spend full days apart. And it is me dropping her off each morning, listening to her cries as I walk out that door and all I can do is put on my brave face to start my own day.
I was told I will have more sick days in my first few months back from maternity leave than I have had in my whole career. It seems that this may indeed be the case and not an amusing over-exaggeration. Since starting daycare a month ago, Lucy has had gastro, a cold, an ear infection, a chest infection and a urine infection. Greg was lucky enough to share the gastro bug with her. I shared her cold. Before this week, we hadn't slept more than 2 hours in a row in a month. I felt so neglectful sending her off to daycare to pick up yet another set of germs to send her spiralling down yet again....what a nightmare! And others actually made such comments to me, like I didn't feel guilty and heartbroken as it was. If only our mortgage would pay for itself - then perhaps we could just hang out at home until she goes to school....but I imagine the same barrage of germs would hit at that point anyway. If I had my time again, I would chose to start Lucy at daycare a month earlier. I had thought we should have that last month together, but actually having that month at home as she began her new routine would have been better for us.
The weight gain has been a real wake up call for me. To stop playing victim to our new circumstances of a busier life and to obtain control by planning a little more of my week. This goes against the grain of my very being... for those who know me would realise I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants as much as I can. Committing to a schedule is a hard task for me. Getting some kind of routine in place is even harder! But after taking this laid back approach to life in the past month, and jumping on the scales to realise it really isn't working, I acknowledge that something must change. And that something is me! There is nothing harder than trying to get out of bed in the morning after little sleep last night to not only get yourself organised, but also your baby and get out the door at a reasonable time so you can get home at a reasonable time and not miss all of her day! I set out my clothes the night before, and hers. I make her bottles up and put them in the fridge. I make my lunch the night before. I shower the night before. And still.......it seems impossible some days. But have no fear, this weight isn't here to stay and I have no real concerns about sending it packing - I know how to do that.
Work in itself has actually been the icing on the cake this month, most surprisingly. I have found myself in a new team starting out with a new and important project, and it is an exciting time of change, possibility and challenge ahead of us. My workmates make my time there enjoyable - Jane and I laugh the way through the day as we try our best to achieve something (anything) each day. It's been lovely to return to a team of friends who are all really understanding, welcoming and happy to see me. My boss is a father of two girls and has a good understanding of the strains on parents - especially when first returning to work. Thank God! I am particularly grateful for this as I have had more time off than I had been in the office so far! So if I have to be at work, I am actually glad that I am in such a great team.
But people achieve this healthy work/life balance everyday out there, it must just be a learned art. So I am calling out to anyone out there who has tips for me. Tips re how to get the best out of your time when working and managing a family. How to best deal with your mothers guilt of leaving your child everyday. How to best to re kick your career into action on a part time basis without taking too much away from your family time. How do fit in exercise, healthy eating and housework!
On an emotional note, one of the toughest things that I have experienced this month is the isolation. I don't want to share germs with anyone so Lucy and I have been quarantined away from our friends and family for weeks now. I feel like it has been forever since I have looked at my friends, seen their faces and heard their voices. I went out for dinner last night and couldn't stop talking - I have so many stories built up over the past month that I just need to get them out!!! It is a lonely, lonely time when you or your child is sick.
So overall it has been quite a tough month. And you know what? I actually consider myself to be quite a common sense mother who is pretty tough. But this past month has rocked my foundations of calm and I have felt more anxious than ever before. And I know my child hasn't been all that sick. But several minor illnesses all at once have been a struggle to deal with for us, and it is heart breaking as a mother when you can't fix it. Thankfully, Lucy seems to be on the mend and has allowed us some sleep this week. That human feeling is returning and the zombie mode is lessening everyday.
I know today's blog hasn't been uplifting, but I am telling you how it's been in our house as we have all individually struggled to begin this new stage of life. I am sure there are others out there who understand what we have been through. And for those of my friends and family who will go through their own change to daycare arrangements soon - I hope it goes a little smoother than this.
Here is Lucy yesterday, showing me where she likes to play at daycare. She is settling in more and more each day, which is a great relief to Greg and I.
Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Great!
