My Sliding Doors Moment.......

How do you see your future...?

I have never doubted in my mind that I would grow up, get married to a wonderful man, and have children. I never dreamt of city lights or whirlwind romance or fancy dates or expensive hotels. What I dreamt of was lazy Sunday mornings in the burbs, kicking a ball around on the over at the local park, and having BBQ's at our house with friends. I dreamt I'd be content. And I am.

There is so much out there at the moment that people buy into regarding the power of the mind. I agree to some degree. I certainly believe that the power of the mind can help you body heal quicker or sustain you for longer periods of time. I believe the way we see ourselves and our expectations of our own journey definitely impact on our end result. But I don't believe it's the be all and end all, the only influencing factor in our lifes. Obviously circumstances and experience have a great to do with shaping a persons perspective.

Somehow growing up, I didn't even envision myself as a healthy, sporty, active person. Clearly I forgot to add the into my dreams. I considered myself a drama and music girl, and not the sporty type, and convinced myself over my highschool years that I wasn't an active type of person. That I could only fit into one catagory and not both. It never dawned on my that I was imagining myself as overweight even in my 20s and 30s.

Which is not what I am to be. I have talked before about how I sought the assistance of hypnosis to help me amend this slight in my own minds eye. I have seen hypnosis work wonders for reformed smokers in my family and it occurred to me that it may just help me to. I wasn't looking for a magical answer to weight loss, I am certainly happy to put in the hard yards myself with my Michelle Bridges program. I just wanted to stop the constant battle in my mind about food and obsessing over it.

For those out there who don't understand this mentality, thats fine - you have probably never strayed outside of your healthy weight range because your mind is already on the right track. But for those of us who are carrying too much, you may know these thoughts well....

So, I've just eaten breakfast. What else is there? Mmmm! Raisin Toast, yes might have some of that too - I love raisin toast. Yummo! Better make a coffee to go with that, two sugars please. Yummo, those four pieces of raisin toast were DELICIOUS! That sugar has given me a taste for the sweets, what else is in the fridge? Ooooh! I might make a milo. 3 spoons and 2 extra for good luck. Yummo. Phew, I buggered. Might need to sit down for a bit and watch some TV. (TV turns on). Bored now. I wonder what I will have for lunch? Shit! There is nothing in the pantry/fridge that even appeals to me. Let me run through all the possibilities.......tuna. No. Ham, yes I'll have some now, but not for lunch. Bread? No. Salad. NO! Maybe I should go out and get something.

And so begins thought process of all the options I could possibly choose in town, then in Manuka, Kingston, Civic and maybe in Erindale or Belconnen! An obsession that consumes some people day in, day out. When will I eat next? What will it be? Anyone would think I've been living in a third world country.

I haven't updated you on my weight loss results from the Michelle Bridges round 2 program that finished at the end of August....I am thrilled to announce I lost 10 kgs in 12 weeks! Pat on the back to me. And then I put on two. It has been a tough month, but no excuse. So I returned to visit my hypnosis man, and we had an awesome chat that started with 'So Lauren, why have you come back to see me this time', and I replied with 'waaa waa waa waa waa'. That's how I sound why I cry, if you didn't realise.

We talked a fair bit about old habits sneaking back in. Because, as you know when you give up the darts, you no longer have them. But when you try and change a life times worth of habits regarding food, sometimes you need a little readjustment to your perspective. I had been feeling like I was pushing it all up hill, that there was no point to continue on, that I was a hopeless case. So we talked and talked and he helped me discover a really useful method of visualisation.

He asked me to imagine this time next year. September 2013. And if I changed nothing about my life and continued on this current path what did I see. I saw myself at least 10kg heavier. I saw depression, defeat, dissapointment. I was guilty. I hated myself for having lived another year in this cycle of destruction. I saw Lucy overweight too. I cried. I saw no hope for another child. He asked me to imagine further into the future, 5 years. September 2017. More depression, despair, great disappointment. Fatter than ever. Lazy. He asked me to look at myself in the mirror and tell him what I saw. I saw the saddest Lauren I have ever seen (imagined!). He asked me to move further into the future - 10 years. I saw a lady who aged so much more than the years that had passed. I saw me uncomfortable in my body. Resigned to a life of half arsed attemps, yo yo dieting and watching on while everyone else had fun. A sad lady who had wasted her 30s away.

And then we changed tactics. He asked me to tell him about the Lauren in September 2013 who did put changes in place. How does this girl look? Well, I was within my healthy weight range. I was smiling, my eyes were happy. My house was clean. I felt in control, organised. Proud. So proud. And intelligent, for chosing the direction I wanted in life. Five years? I had several children. I was active, all this business with an unhealthy relationship with food was behind me. It was no longer the endless struggle. It was forgotten. I started the day with time to myself before I had to become the mum, the colleague, the wife, the friend, the sister. Ten years ahead showed me planning an epic 40th birthday celebration. I looked youthful and attractive. I looked like I laughed alot and enjoyed my life. I was a good role model for my children.

Seems simple. Definitely simple, not necessarily easy. So using this info, he hypnotised me again and talked me through these two roads. The former road, of eating poorly, eating too much and eating for boredom instead of hunger resulted in an untidy me. My clothes didn't fit properly. My house and car were a mess. I looked greasy all the time, with a pizza face of pimples and everything felt like it was brown, white and orange. Darker. Like I hadn't opened the curtains and we constantly living without natural light. But this road was an easy downward slope - I could simple just keep rolling down it, getting sadder and sadder as I went. I honestly felt oppressed (still do now) when I think of that road.

The latter road was a rocky, hilly road of pot holes and speed bumps. It was the harder road for sure. But as I stood at the fork in the road and looked left to the drab darkness of old habits, then turned to look at the right side of the road going up this hill, all I could see in comparison was beautiful springtime colours. Blue skies, everything looked like it was in HD! The fresh green leaves in bud, vibrant colours everywhere. I could see it was the place I wanted to be. Everything had a place on this road. I felt organised and in control. I felt strong and capable, confident and attractive. It is the place I exist in now.

I suppose the reason that I wanted to share this with you today was that if you have something you aren't happy with in your life, maybe you should do the same exercise. Actually write down what your life will look like in 1, 5 and 10 years time if you keep going as you are, and then how it might look if you put some changes in place.

Hypnosis isn't a magic answer for me. I still need my will power, I need to make the right decisions that allow me to stay on the up road. I need to exercise to release all the weight I'm not going to carry anymore. Hypnosis won't do that for me. But I can say for the past couple of days since I saw him, I have felt more in control of my life than I have in 2 months. And let me tell you, that is a good feeling.

Do you remember when I wakeboarded?
http://waitingforthebellylaugh.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/truly-astonishing-week-part-2steve.html
I remember this feeling of endless determination, that I would achieve my goal of getting up that day, and it didn't matter how long it would take me. And that feeling of complete elation when I did get up - after ages of trying. That is how determined I am to release all this weight that simply doesn't need to be cramping my style anymore. I am just going to kick picking myself up as I get closer and closer to achieving my goals, and at each time I need to regroup I will celebrate how far I have come, and then begin again. It isn't an endless struggle for me. There is an end date. And I will reach it sooner than I realise.

And here I am a few weeks ago, almost 20kg less!

Here I am maxed out at my heaviest EVER!

“He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty”
-Lao Tsu

Ciao for now, 

LG - Life's Good!

A Stale Old Marriage

When you've been married for 15 years, you'll feel the same......

In the lead up to our wedding, I remember Greg coming home from work frustrated because his workmates were teasing him about entering into a commitment there could be no release from, that all the fun would end at the vows we would share, and that his balls would officially be hung from a chain around my neck from that point on. And he wasn't worried that this was the case, he was pissed off that no one was excited for us, or encouraging of our love and commitment to each other.

I felt the same. People would firstly comment on our youthful ages and how we should 'live a little first' before settling down. Then they would tell us the divorce stats for the year, focusing on those who got married early and how we would be doomed. And then they would tell us that we were just babies - we were rushing into something we hadn't properly considered. Jerks.

True, we got together when I was just 11 days shy of turning 20. Poor Greg! Hooking up with a girl just before her birthday! What do you get her!? What is the expectations of a new boyfriend! He was perfect. He turned up at my house (my mums house) with a beautiful bunch of flowers, a lovely card and I think we went out for dinner. We were already friends in the same group of mates, so moving into a relationship was going to do one of two things...either we would be happy together, or we would break up and cause our friendship group great drama! Lucky for our friends, and even more so for us, we were destined to be a love story. (Aaaaaaw - smiling coyly).

We knew very early into our relationship that we were right for each other. Not perfect, but certainly as good a match as one could expect. And romantically, we just loved each other more and more all the time. Sometimes I felt my heart would burst, as if I couldn't be more happy. But I could.  I just got luckier and luckier, the more I got to know Greg, the sweeter I realised he was and the deeper I felt. And he fell for me. I just love the thought that I know a secret Greg that no one else sees, that he is saving something special of himself just for me. Bliss. He told me he wanted me by his side forever and we got engaged just after my 21st birthday after dating for 15 months. He even surprised me with the most beautiful ring, which to this day I still find myself staring at in wonder.

Okay, so if I knew any 21 yr olds in this day and age getting engaged, I'd probably feel slightly alarmed too. Because at the ripe old age of 29 I certainly think 21 is so young! But you know what? Sometimes you just know. Greg and I have grown up together. We travelled overseas for the first time together (and both wished that we had an adult to look after us!), we bought our first house together, we have grieved together, laughed together, fought together and loved each other through it all. Each experience we have had just teaches us something new about each other.

But after being together for 9 years (married for 7 in October) it seems that people expect our relationship to have soured somewhat. Especially after children. Let me tell you, if you fight with your partner before you have had children, expect to do so even more after you add these little joys to your life! Greg and I have never been as irritable, tired, grumpy, insecure, and cranky as we have become since we had Lucy. It is a difficult adjustment when you introduce a third (very important) member to your little family unit. Both Greg and I share an all consuming love for Lucy that cannot be compared to what we share for each other. For us, we found each other, learnt to trust and respect and love each other, and have developed a life together that we both enjoy. For Lucy, she was create from that love Greg and I share (don't make me go into details), and we loved her instantly. We didn't need to get to know her before we realised we would jump in front of a bus for her without even thinking. We didn't have to trust her before we knew that she was our everything.

Before we had Lucy, I used to worry how I would feel not being the centre (or the only centre) of Greg's world anymore, if I would be jealous of the love he feels for our child. I don't worry about that anymore......because I'd be a hypocrite! For I love her more than life itself, and she is always going to be the centre of my world, with Greg. I don't love him any less, in fact watching him with Lucy I love him so much more. I love them differently.

And Greg is still my husband. My one and only. My darling. I have written before about making sure you maintain your relationship with your partner after children, because one day your children will grow up, and hopefully you will still have your marriage. I still consider his needs, as he does mine. We have to make more of an effort now to talk about things other than Lucy. We make decisions about Lucy together, with both opinions valued and respected. And of course we fight. More than ever before.

We were talking about different marriages at work a little while ago and a colleague was telling me it was his wedding anniversary. I congratulated him and asked him if they were planning on celebrating. He told me he wasn't really planning much, probably just pick up some wine and dessert and celebrate quietly at home once the kids went to sleep. I thought that was nice - but it led to a discussion on what marriage is like after years together, after kids and after generally just getting used to each other.

Some marriages function merely as a partnership in life, just getting on with the job of raising kids and the logistics of running to a schedule. Some marriages function without much attention spent on the partner, without attraction, without affection. Some marriages function without much conversation, taking separate holidays and enjoying different activities. Some husbands and wives feel that their partner has nothing to offer them anymore. Some marriages are one of simple convenience.

And some marriages are ones of ongoing support, awareness of the other and of making a conscious effort to maintain the fun, the love and the romance. I've seen these marriages. I want one just like it. I have one just like it. Because Greg and I know what we must do to stay connected to each other, in the easy and the tough times. I'm never going to see our relationship as one of convenience, but one of great fortune. I will always be grateful for him in my life, for finding him so early, for marrying him and growing up with him in our 20s. I will never feel like it will be okay to simply be housemates.

For us, sex is important (sorry honey, I said the S word!). Talking is important. Laughing is hugely important. And having a cuddle on the lounge after a long day is still important. Seeing each other play with Lucy is important. Helping each other is important. Respecting each others opinions and character is important. Having time away from each other sometimes is important too. And always putting our little family first is important.

Is your marriage going stale? Are you paying attention to each other or has it all become just about the kids? Or your work? Do something about it tonight. Take home some flowers (or some fishing gear). Cook a fancy meal as a treat. Crack open a bottle of wine and talk about anything other than the kids. Remind each other why you love them. Remember what it was you fell in love with in the first place. And have sex for gods sake! It will do wonders, I promise. And not just normal sex. But mix it up a little. Do something you haven't done before, in a room you haven't done it in, in clothes you haven't done it in. And prove to yourself and them that you can still surprise each other even after all these years.

Invest in your marriage - your kids should grow up seeing a healthy, loving relationship that they will aim to achieve one day themselves. Don't show them that is okay to simply co-exist.

I should be a sex therapist.

Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Good!

I've been contemplating suicide

The most selfish act... or the bravest thing one could do?

DISCLAIMER: This blog is written from my heart, but this heart knows no depression. Sadness yes, depression no. So please understand I am speaking from a viewing platform and not the ledge of experience, I may get it wrong.

I've discussed suicide with a handful of people over the years. People who have been touched by suicide, people who have contemplated it for themselves, and people who have resented it from afar without direct exposure to it. I don't deliberately go out of my way to start these conversations with people ('so....would you kill yourself?') but in their many forms that have come to me. I have pondered death often actually, come to think of it.

Thoughts of my own death and that of Greg's come to me on a semi regular basis. I can't imagine what you are thinking right now. I'm not sick and twisted, honestly. But I do have flashes of awfulness happening fairly frequently. Example required! Hmmm, alright. Greg went to snow a few weekends ago and Lucy and I stayed home. About 2 hours after he left I heard a car pull up outside our house, and two car doors closed. And instantly my hair stands on end and I feel sick to the stomach because all I can imagine is that it is the police with bad news. Of course, when I muster the courage to look outside, it is our next door neighbours...in their own driveway...unpacking the groceries. This happens to me all the time. I have learnt over the years that it means nothing...other than I need to trust in our protection and safety a little more!

Yet on the other hand, I have to expect it. No I don't want to think about it everyday (how doom and gloom would that be) but it is important to me that I acknowledge the fact that life isn't permanent. And I will be heart broken over and over again when people pass away from this world. No longer able to be seen, heard or touched. And I dread the next time as much as I mourn the last time. Please don't let this happen again. It will. That's without a doubt.

Have you ever pondered why we rage against death so much when it is such a natural part of life? Because we will miss them? Because we aren't positively sure what will happen to them after death? Because it makes us acutely aware of the shitty things we are focused on in our own lives that don't actually matter at all? Because are reminded that we too will die one day?

It seems obvious doesn't it? When someone dies we are sad and distraught. But why are we, if we knew it would happen one day, and we know it can come at any time? It makes me think of those who I have loved and lost and why I felt the way I did/do. I know for the most dear to my heart, it was for lack of time. Taken way too early, much too early for my liking!

Have you ever thought about the difference in death depending on the age you pass away at? A precious baby, only days old won't have known anything of the world accept for a family's love. Thank God for that. But they don't even get to feel sunshine, to run or learnt to say 'toast' (Lucy's new favourite word), or just have fun. It's the epitome of unfair.

What about the grandparents and older folk who pass away? For me, while I will miss my loved one very much and I will be sad for the moments we won't share in the future, I will be relieved they have lived long and full lives. Perhaps I might feel a little more comfortable in this situation (press play on the Lion King's circle of life now) knowing that is normal. You grow up, experience life, have a family and then pass away peacefully at a lovely old age.

And those of our friends who are our own age? In a way it seems to rage against nature the worst - because it could be us. It hits very deep down. Our own mortality. And the absence of that beloved person at all social occasions to come. So shocking, deep to the core.

What about the difference in the way your loved one dies? I have been pondering this lately, reflecting on the difference in grieving processes with a death you are expecting, compared to a shocking accident. Its a whole other ball game again when we are talking suicide. People feel so strongly about it - and it appears to me that they either understand it or they don't. And by don't, I mean those of us who feel that it is the most selfish act a person can do. Don't they consider everyone else's feelings in this!? How can they do this to their parents/their partners/their children etc? Have you perhaps considered that maybe even though they knew what it would do to those people, that the pain and torment they were feeling was even greater? That the logical thought processes we all have about life improving after shit times, and the normal chemical balance in our brains which allows us to feel hope, positivity and optimism for the future doesn't exist for them?

Wouldn't it be nice if you could play grim reaper and knock off the people that don't matter to you? Totally the most selfish thing I have EVER written on this blog, but who is against me? Given the choice, would you choose your family member, or a random on the other side of the world you know nothing about? Alright, maybe that is too deep an ethical question to ask - but just saying I know what I would do. Thankfully (and sadly) we don't get to play God with other peoples lives by picking and choosing when their time is up.

But we do actually have that power over our own life. At any point in time we can choose the unimaginable.

I have never been close to a person who has ended their own life, thankfully. But I have known of people close to my people who have, and I have seen varying emotions playing out for them as they learn to understand what the hell just happened. By no means does it make me qualified to speak on the subject, but I feel I am allowed an opinion. And being that it was suicide prevention day yesterday I want to share my thoughts tonight.

Mental illness might as well be cancer for some people, because if you don't receive the right treatment and support, it can all too quickly become a death sentence. I understand that sometimes it seems suicide is the easy road, and maybe your only option to stop the torment that you are experiencing at the moment. I get that from conversations I have had with people very dear to me. That it seems that may be the ONLY way to get relief from whatever is happening. That you have tried and failed, and tried and failed to live like everyone else, trying to keep a happy front up, but all the time despairing inside. Please keep hanging on.

I know life is hard. In fact, it is absolute shit at times. In the past month, I have had a dear friend pass away, a precious family member be diagnosed with cancer, a cousin-in-law pass away, and a brother-in-law needing surgery for breaking his leg at the snow. Add to this a bout of gastro for the whole family and some conjunctivitis for Lucy. But while I feel like the world is caving in, I know that eventually it will ease and happy times will come again. And I do get that perhaps for you, no promise from the future is enough to make an impact right now. That nothing is helping, and nothing has helped before.

But don't commit suicide. No matter how sick, no matter how distraught, no matter what the horrendous situation, I want you to stay here. And I am not saying this from a belief that suicide is wrong, that it is a sin or anything like that. I am saying this because I want you to seek help and I want you healthy again. I want you to take this seriously, your sickness. Because with the correct treatment it will most probably ease, and maybe even leave for good.

I want you to experience love, true and unconditional love. I want you to become a parent and finally feel a love that is all consuming in every way. I want you to feel success in your career and studies. I want you to try something new and feel the buzz when you discover something awesome. I want you to laugh until you cry with your friends. I want you to cry when you lose someone you love and feel your heart break....and still know that it will adjust and continue to live and happiness will come again one day. Feel the warmth of a refreshing shower, and the coolness of a swim in summer. Drive to the coast for a day trip and eat fish and chips! Do whatever it is that you have loved doing before.

And get professional help. Because if you are sick, nothing you can do, no habits that you create, no amount of organisation, no amount of fun you have will fix it. You might be sick. Consider it a lump in your breast/testes. You'd get that checked out by a doctor, for fear of cancer. So go and get a check up with your GP and talk to them if you just can't snap out of your funk.

Because if you are reading this, and feeling like this, I care about you and want to see you well again. Laughing again. Sleeping again. Coping again. Feeling fine again. If I am reaching into your heart tonight, hear me. Be brave and go and get yourself checked by a professional. Understand that no matter what you are feeling and experiencing, it doesn't have to stay the same. It can improve.

And if you need to talk, I am here for you. So is Lifeline - 13 11 14.

Smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers and serotonin. Do it. NOW!

Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Good - believe me, even in the shit times it is still good.

Dear Stacey.....Love From Lauren

For those who cry for a lost one....I do too.

Dear Stacey,

Firstly, where have you gone? I mean, I know you passed away (and I can't quite fathom that it has already almost been a month since that day you left), and therefore you are no longer physically around, but it still doesn't answer my question. Are you with Trent, giving comfort to him and whispering sweet memories in his ear, sharing your love through every ray of sunshine he feels? Or are you watching all of us, being constantly amused by all the little funny moments you might be privy to - did you see me pick my wedgie out this morning after my walk around the park? You might also see how missed and loved you are if you see us all - for you would see the tears in the quiet moments too then. Tears for how much we already miss you, and for the times we won't have together in the future. Tears for your family, and mostly for Trent, and tears for ourselves, for the laughs, the care you gave, and the light you brought to all situations.

You were a little battery charger for me. Thinking about your situation, your terminal cancer always made me feel so very sad, I'd despair what was coming everyday I'd think of you, which was often. But speaking with you and seeing you lifted me higher, with your talk of future activities and proactive searches for the magic remedy, and the promise of more wild and exciting stories to come. Each moment of interaction with you was so filled with zing that I'd hang up puzzled! Did you just cheer me up!? Surely I should be doing the cheering for you!?

But I did! I'd tell you boring stories of Lucy's latest snotty nose or ear infection and of how adorable Greg was as a father. I'd tell you how awful it was returning to work and how much I wanted to spend more time at home with Lucy. I'd tell you about my family, our renovations, our wake boarding trips and our holidays, you always surprised me with how much you wanted to know about every small detail of my life. Every second I spoke, I felt either ungrateful or guilty. How could I possibly whinge about my amazing life, how could I complain about not having enough time with my child? At least I have a child! But you were amazing! You didn't want to compare or compete, not ever. For we both knew that the cancer would be the ace up your sleeve. No, you wanted to be distracted from your own thoughts. You wanted to know what was awesome and upsetting in our lives all the time, because as you said "Loz, it's all relative".

I will forever be devastated that we didn't get to visit you that one last time - the time we both knew would be the last opportunity, yet neither of us could say. You thanked me on the phone for being included on my inspirational board and broke down, telling me you didn't feel very inspiring sometimes. My heart broke for you. And not even for everything you were going through.....but because you still didn't realise how AMAZING you were! How humble you were to never realise Stace that you were the centre of so many different peoples universe, that you brightened so many peoples lives with your smile, your laugh, your cheekiness and mischief. You were truly everyone's best friend, it certainly felt like you were one of mine. So I tried my best to explain in words that just wouldn't come out well, how very special you were to me on the phone that day. How affected I was by your presence in my life. How much I loved you, knowing you, calling you my friend, and being a friend to you. That day we both knew that would be our last conversation. And I cried like no other time when we hung up...

I have grieved for an expected death three times now. Once was over a few weeks, another only a matter of hours, and you over several years. My heart breaking just as deeply each time, tears still springing to my eyes when I ponder the precious ones. It is a hard and difficult grief, one that comes like a car accident you can't turn away from, everything moving in slow motion, yet still heading to the inevitable end. And it's sucks so badly because I hated feeling as though I was grieving you before you were even gone. And the helplessness I have felt over the time you have fought has been huge, but I feel I have played my part as a good friend whenever you needed me. And I am glad I could offer solace during those times. All conversations we have had remain in my heart and will continue so forever.

I'm so proud of you though miss Stacey, for fighting so hard. I remember spending that weekend at Wonnie with you and all the buddies, and our goodbyes felt so final. I worried it was all over then, that you wouldn't even get to meet our baby. Yet here we are, Lucy 16 months old at your passing - so proud of how hard you fought to hold on. You gave your life, your family, your Trent everything you had to stay for as long as you possibly could, and for that I am thankful.

A few years ago, on our way home from somewhere at nighttime, Greg and I saw a shooting star. And I wished for you Stace, for your health and for you life. And I remembered this the day after your memorial service. I told him that I had made that wish and was sad that it never came true. And Greg said, maybe it did. Maybe your miracle was that you were able to fight for so long, and maintain your health for as long as you did - beyond most people's expectations. Maybe....

And maybe its just not fair. That you, in your prime with life and all its glorious joys to come taken away from you. Its not something you deserved, that anyone deserves. Its not friggin fair at all. No, fair would be if good things happened to good people and bad things happened to bad people, but the older I get the more deeply I understand that fair isn't a concept that applies to life. Just games. We play by the rules with cards, with board games, with twister. And those that break the rules are out. But not so much in life. Fair isn't what life is about, is it?

Life is about grabbing each and every moment. Being proud of who you are and the person you've become. Owning your decisions and situations, even when they aren't what you have asked for or wanted. And making the most out of it all - good and bad. You did all of this without even trying Stace, because that is simply the kind of person you were. I often tell people how vivacious, energetic, fun-loving and crazy you were, but I'm sure they don't get it. They don't truly understand what I mean....only those that knew you get it.

You make me want to be a better me. To share my life freely with others and to take a genuine interest in their lives too. To hold back on the resentment and understand that every ones perspective is relative to their own experiences. To listen more. To try more things. And to one day be brave enough to do a nudey swim. I hope you knew before you left that your profound affect on all you came in contact with will live on for the rest of our lives, and I hope we can all share your love of life and true friendship with others too.

I sat around the table with friends after the service to celebrate your life, and it all felt so surreal. The service was amazing, I'm sure you know. But afterwards, I couldn't help feeling confused that I was expecting you to come around the corner at any point in time and take your place as the guest of honour. No, not because I believe in ghosts. But because it felt that you were there. Present. In our world. That nothing had changed. Like at any time I'd catch a glimpse of you chatting with friends, regaling them with another amazing Stacey story.

It has taken me a long time to process the fact that your fight has finished. That you don't have to struggle anymore. And while at first I was uneasy with the fact that I couldn't comprehend your death, I now welcome the feeling that somehow, somewhere, you are still just right here. With us. With your family. With Trent. Because you are still living on in us all, beautiful girl.

All my memories of you are ones of laughter, of fun, of being shocked at your wild stories, of precious deep moments talking faith and death. And I am just one person of the thousands you have known over your time here on earth. We will all keep your memory alive by talking about you. Sharing your stories, feeling your smile in the sunshine and your peace when near the water.

You are still here, you won't ever truly leave. Because even though you are in Heaven, you are in our hearts forever. And you'll always be precious to me.

I'll give Trent a squeeze when I see him next.

Love and miss you always,
Lauren. 

 On our cherished weekend with Stacey and Trent, August 2011

Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Good (and also sometimes shitty)