No, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon a week after I spilled my heart to the internet. Not in the slightest. I am celebrating a milestone of weight loss that is the start of wonderful things to come in fact! Go me! And I do so by sharing this little morsel with you: why is it so friggin hard!?
Last week, my resolve was without temptation. I stood here, declaring from the rooftops that I need and will endeavour to protect my health against all nasty desires that may swing my way, none of which I was experiencing at the time.
Tonight, I write to you from the depths of PMS as a mere distraction to keep me from eating the entire contents of our fridge and ponder WTAF! Not only am I lying here wishing the constant stabbing in my uterus would either put me out of my misery or die itself a quick death, but I am literally driving myself crazy trying to talk myself into 'just a taste' of something that i know will be 'just a kilo' of.
At what stage in my life did I lose the ability to have 'just a taste'? At what stage did I lose the ability to enjoy 'just enough' instead of needing the entire package? And when did this behaviour become so ingrained in my life that I am physically having to restrain myself from the fridge when my hormones have annihilated my normal moderately good resolve. Not only am I to lose weight, but I also must get rid of these habits, these mindsets, these horribly unhelpful paradigms my life has developed over the years, as an ultimate consumer answering every desire.
And why do I struggle with this and yet the person next to me does not. Why am I literally (and i know I am dramatic at times but I actually mean literally) a tortured soul for food? Why am I attached to it the way some are attached to alcohol, drugs, whatever else? At which part in my life did it become my 'drug of choice'? This really bothers me, particularly when I look around and know people who've never been on any kind of diet. I can't remember a time when I was 'free' from food. It is like the little devil on my shoulder, teasing me, enticing me, calling me, destructing me.
How do I get rid of it? How do I turn my back from this endless journey that I continually struggle with to ensure that the changes I am making today, right now, for the past two months for my knee and my future, will remain permanent? How do I not become another statistic in the weightless cycle yet again? How can I jump off the ride?
Tonight, I am exhausted. I know it's hormonal. Until today, I have been feeling amazing due to my wonderful nutritious food which has led to amazing sleep, which has brought a happiness in knowing I am doing a wonderful thing for myself and I've got it covered. But today, thanks to being a woman (and potentially years of indulging when in pain) I am feeling crap. Proper crap. I am feeling emotional, achy, tired and overwhelmed with the task ahead. And i know that tomorrow, I will wake up feeling better, stronger, happier, and I will wonder why on earth I was so 'intense' yesterday.
What I really should be doing is taking this chipped nail polish off my nails and sinking my tired and sad body into a hot delicious smelling bath. However, thanks to the arthroscopy wounds and stitches that are being removed tomorrow, i cannot. So I turn to you, my beloved blog readers, and i share (and overshare) my soul yet again to help me get through this moment. It's my form of self-help, sharing my heart to release the pressure and pass on a little of me so I can move forward with my day, my month, my life.
Which reminds me - I read something so amazing today. It spoke about self love as needing to parent yourself sometimes and make the hard choices that don't necessarily make you happy now, or fulfil your immediate desires, but that are better for you in the long run. Ha! I thought self love was giving yourself a cuppa and doing your nails or focusing your self talk on propping yourself up when others weren't filling the gaps. Spending time believing in yourself and your ability and ommmmmmmm.
But making tricking decisions because the end game is more important that immediate gratification? That's what I am all about as a parent! In every conversation and every decision and every action, I am considering how this will shape their teenager and adult years. If I say yes when my daughter wants to watch a rehearsal and spend the day at the theatre, because 'dancing is my life Mum', will this be the beginning of a lifelong dance obsession (that, in truth has already begun)? If I accept this rude behaviour now, will they behave towards others as they have towards me? If I play play dough at dinner time and mention difficulties i experienced in my school days, will that encourage conversations about similar things in the event they occur? My focus for them is and has always been the long game. It's kinda something I pride myself on.
Turns out, i need to do some self-parenting too. Turns out I need to give myself some tough love, some responsible love. If I was my own parent, this is what I would say to myself:
- Keep elevating and icing your knee
- No, you cannot have more to eat. You've eaten what you need for your body, have a glass of water and find something else to do
- This, too, shall pass (thanks Ali, I always think of you when I think of this)
- Keep writing. It helps you process and share what you are going through
- Speak to a professional, there are people who can help develop strategies for dealing with this all
- Clean up your bedroom
- While you're at it, make your bed in the morning
- And for goodness sake, get off the computer and fold that pile of washing (totally not doing it)!
What do you need to parent yourself about?
Mum's the word.
Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Great!
