You're missing the obvious...I'm not overweight because I'm sad.

There is a general understand in society that overweight individuals are not happy. That they must surely have a desire to lose their weight yet somehow cannot harness that as a priority over their love of food, alcohol and general gluttony that they so obviously enjoy....right?

When we began dating, and I started to get to know Greg, I saw his flaws as he saw mine. And I'm not talking about physical flaws, I'm talking about the personality flaws we all have. And still we chose to invest in each other, love each other, and commit to each other. We loved each other not in spite of those things, but partly because of them. Those flaws are what makes us who we are, aren't they? For we aren't simply made of positive and wonderful attributes, we are also made of selfish, guilty, and occasionally small minded personality aspects. Overall, most people are mostly amazing souls who we learn so much from. From those early days, for everyday, I made a choice to love him. I chose to be his partner in life, his lover, his encourager, his challenger, and his partner in crime. And I chose this with my eyes wide open. I saw early on that we had parts of ourselves that didn't align perfectly, but for the most part, I find those holes endearing and character building. My choice to be in love with Greg continues to drive me every single day of my life, and I have been blessed beyond expectation through our relationship. May it always be so. 

When I became a mother, I thought about all the things I hoped for our children. Which values i wanted to encourage in them, the hard line values, the bendable ones, and the values I didn't really value myself. It was an amazing opportunity to self assess my life and our future. We decided we would teach our girls to be independent, considerate, caring, capable, strong, resilient, determined and communicative children who would hopefully continue those values in their schooling, careers, families and relationships. And so this is what we consistently and consciously work on as we guide them through life as 3 and 5 year olds, hopefully instilling gifts for their future which will allow them to thrive through life successfully. 

Both the above examples are moments in life when I made a choice based on my genuine desires in life, and I put in place consistent, reliable and conscious behaviours that reflected these end goals. Not once has either of these decisions been challenged in my heart. There is nothing conflicting in those facts in my life. There is not one little bit of me wishing I could walk away from Greg, and not one aspect of me that hopes the girls grow to think they need to rely on others for their self value, for their strength, for their appreciation. There is not one thread of conflict in either of these situations. 

Yet here I am....two years after having lost almost all the weight I needed to, now back at my heaviest. Looking at me, I wonder if you think I am unhappy. If you think I must be lonely. Perhaps to you, I look like I lack self control. Maybe I even look as though I am lazy. I get it. I used to think that too. I kinda still do. But I've never really been a sad fat person. I've been a confident, sexy, happy kind of fat person. 

What if I told you that maybe there is another option out there. That there are not only two exclusive categories for overweight people that we must fit into; Sad and emotional eaters, or desperately wanting to change but somehow can't. What is there was something else? 

Did you ever look at me and think maybe I want to be overweight? 

Did you ever consider that maybe I actually desire to be like this? Or did you always assume no one would want to be overweight?

I have spent so much time considering how you are seeing me, how you are judging me, how you are liking me more when I am a smaller size. Sometimes its all I think about when we are talking. I am wondering if you are thinking about my size (big or small). I am wondering if you are feeling sorry for me, and if you are making your assumptions. I feel anxious seeing you because I worry about what you will think of me, what assumptions you will jump to about my state of mind, what criticisms you will make of me later when you talk about me to your partner, my friends. I'm onto you. I see it in your eyes. Its when I'm at my most insecure. 

I see it with the same eyes that have known you all along. I see your reactions with the same eyes I have always looked at you with love. Despite what you see when you look at me, my vision hasn't changed looking out. The window I see the world from remains the same. Always the same. Because here, within my body is my personality that makes me ME, I remain the same. THE SAME. So with the same eyes that saw your awe and adoration of my decreasing size, I see your assessment of me, your questions, your pity at my increasing size.

And I don't know what is harder to manage. Your sad eyes or your excited ones. Regardless....the message remains the same. Some of your love me more when I am smaller. Don't deny it, ponder it. It's true. I see it. And some of you love me bigger. I see that too. Whatever makes you comfortable, whatever makes me more acceptable in your eyes. Well, fuck! By these standards, I literally can't win.  

It's just me in here. Lauren. You remember me? That's who I remain, regardless of my size. 

I've pondered it a lot lately. I'm totally aware that none of this matters. Because all that matters really is how I feel about myself. Which is what got me thinking about my desires. And how, in life, when I have a true desire to achieve, a united want, I put behaviours in place to achieve that. Simply, easily, it is inherently exactly what I want to happen, so it does. So why haven't I lost this weight and kept it off and why has this been an endless bloody journey for me to agonise over for so much of my life so far? 

I'm really very sick of the internal arguments in my head. And I'm so conscious of my health and the potential impacts there. I have a full understanding of that. I'm also soooooo sick of society telling me confidence belongs to the fit and thin. 'Oh, you must have been so confident when you were thinner'....um hello. I'm feeling pretty on top of my game today, actually. 

What if the reason I am struggle with this, is simply because part of me wants this? Part of me wants to remain overweight. Despite knowledge of health risks, despite social discomfort, despite the assumptions people make, what if the real reason I haven't got on top of this to date is because it doesn't ring true for me. I can do it, I can do anything, right? But do I want to? 

Let me tell you, it would explain a lot. Maybe there are reasons all over the world why people wish to be overweight. And maybe they are sick of being viewed by society as individuals who are failing at the task everyone assumes they should be working on. Let me make this clear. I am sick of you thinking i am somehow failing at my life because i weigh more this year than last. And let me make it crystal clear for you. I am also sick of you thinking I am somehow winning at my life when I weigh less. 

I am winning at my life when I can be true to myself. I am winning when I see your heart with my eyes and see your love for me, the real me, not that size that I happen to be that day. God knows it fluctuates. I am also winning when I can just put aside my own judgements on my weight and just accept that some part of me is clearly not on board yet. And I'm winning when I ignore all of my assumptions of how you are viewing me....because chances are I might be wrong. Or I might be right. But I prefer to think you love me unconditionally. 

I will invest more time in that. That's for another blog. But please, don't assume my size is a result of self loathing or sadness. Consider it may be what I want for the moment. I appear to be pretty invested in maintain it.... 

P.S I see it clearly too. Anytime I blamed you, i might as well have been blaming myself. These projections onto you are my own feelings, my own judgements, my assumptions. 

#heavyinmorewaysthanone

Ciao for now, 

LG - Life's Good!  xoxo

Do you trust the person next to you?

When is it safe to leave the house? Never…..

As I'm sure everyone remembers, I remember where I was when I learnt about 9/11. I was in the last few months of year 12, and had slept through the late night footage. Mum woke us up with the news of what had happened: "America has been attacked". I remember clearly saying goodbye to her that morning, having an extra long cuddle, lacking confidence in the reality that I would see her again that afternoon. At that stage, and at my age of innocence, I wasn't sure if this was the beginning of the end, if several countries would be attacked, whether we would all survive the day. It was extremely unsettling. Throughout my adult life, since then, there have been many terrorist attacks, both affecting Australia and those we have watched from afar...all of which have solidified my understanding of the world and the cruel place it can be. And then the attacks happened today, in Nice, France.

For some reason, it felt closer to home than ever before. Perhaps because my mum was in France two months ago, or because Greg and I are currently fanatically watching Le Tour de France late at night, following the riders through beautiful France, dreaming of how one day we will go there. Or maybe it is simply easy to imagine us all celebrating Australia Day with fireworks and having a similar event happen here. For whatever the reason - it mattered to me more than other terrorist attacks have. And as I discovered the news at my desk at work it hit me like a wave with each level of understanding smashing me further and further down. Tears welled up, sending me deeper and deeper with each revelation.

Thousands of people had gathered together to celebrate a special day.

For 2kms (that’s two THOUSAND metres!!!!!) a truck ploughed through the crowd at 60-70k/hr.

When he wasn't running people over like bowling pins, the driver was shooting others with a gun.

His truck was full of armed weapons - how much more damage had he planned on doing before he was stopped?

How much damage has been done by just one person?

I spent time thinking about how many people had been injured over that length of 2kms and how impossible it would seem for the ambulances to reach those in need. I thought about the bodies lying on the road and the injured, potentially lying next to their deceased loved ones. Or a deceased random, wondering if help would arrive in time to save them. I thought about the poor doctors, nurses, and police offices who must have felt such a sense of overwhelming chaos, not knowing where to begin, knowing someone will miss out, and knowing someone had to be the priority. I thought about the couples, the parents, the children, the friends.

And then, I turned my mind to the survivors. Have you ever wondered how you survive such an event? How you walk away and lead a successful life afterwards? How you continue when you have lost your person, your lover, your child, your parents? How you keep putting one foot in front of the other when you see it happen before your very own eyes? Your wife. Your boyfriend. Your child. Your mum. Your husband. Your dad. How do you actually survive that? Not physically. Physically, you can do anything you put your mind to. But emotionally, intellectually, mentally? How do you properly survive such trauma, such horror, such violence? You don’t just walk away.

And finally, I turned my mind to my own life. My simple, happy, content little life. I take my family to events. I watch the fireworks. I attend sporting matches. I go to the snow. I go to the beach. I go to concerts. I work in a large office building. I drive past the airport daily. And I do all of these things without fear or trepidation. At least I did before today.

Innocence is a beautiful gift we are provided at birth, which slowly slides away as the years charge on, sometimes replaced with wisdom and sometimes replaced with cynicism. With each passing year, as I experience life, joy and devastation, my own innocence is stripped away, leaving behind it a sandpaper of knowledge, irritating my perspective and scrubbing away my security. I used to have such beautiful optimism, endless sunshine and lollipops. But along with life came lessons in heartbreak, danger and fear.

I am left wondering if it is wise or just cynical to avoid public gatherings. It is wise to no longer attend Christmas carols or Sky Fire or big events to ensure we are never present at a potential mass terror attack? Or is that 'letting them win'? And do I actually care about whether 'they' win or not, or do I simply and singularly only care about keeping myself, my children, and my village safe? Everyone seems so quick to jump into defiance mode when events like this happen, immediately hash-tagging #bestrong and #riseup. Me? I'm not feeling as confident in my ability to withstand the anxiety and fear that invades closer with each new attack, as it begins to mirror my way of life. I will not accept that Australia is immune to this degree of attack. In fact, I imagine it will only be a matter of time before we see something on this scale here on our own land.

But does that mean that I will stop living my life the way I want to, and take deliberate risks by attending the events I love with my family? Because the flip side to that stance on safety is a lack of living. Am I happy to teach my children to avoid being involved? To stay away from fun experiences out of fear? Oh believe me, I am absolutely terrified today, feeling like it is literally a risk to walk out of the front door. But I won't feel like this forever, because we forget. We all move on with the everyday and eventually the danger will recede again, back to where it feels more comfortable and bearable. Until next time.

I don’t know the answers. I am not sure what I should do, if it’s silly and paranoid to avoid mass gatherings, or whether it’s smart and informed. I can’t be sure how to respond adequately or appropriately, when actually I just want to hide in my cupboard. I have no idea how to predict or control what could happen in the future. I have no control. Do any of us?

I suppose the answer is yes. It feels like the person who has the control is the one who doesn’t abide by laws, ethics, humanity, or mutual respect. The person who makes the decision to not only die that day, but go to death exhibiting so much hate and disregard for their fellow person, fellow human, that they can perform such abhorrent acts. I care not whether it is religion, mental illness or malice as a motivation. At the end of the day that person is just one person, who has the power to ruin the lives of many. Not just those killed, but witnesses, families, friends, countries, political allies, and spectators across the world. Today, at the time I write, 88 people have died at the hands of one man, who is now also deceased. One life, for 88 lives. Just one person’s poor decision has created endless damage.

Every day, as we leave our own safe environment, to do the groceries, see a show, watch the football, visit a friend, we place trust in our community, making the assumption that we are all good people, intending to communally protect each other and make productive and appropriate choices for society’s holistic benefit. We trust each other to follow the rules of our society and we trust that we all share a general good will amongst us. We trust that we are safe to stand next to each other in the line for the toilets. We trust that when we gather together to celebrate a special day, that we all are there to be involved, and not because it is an effective way murder a large group of people. We place a lot of trust in others, everyday.

Inevitably, on days when my understanding of the human race is again shattered and nothing can be taken for granted, I open my heart and do the only thing I know how to do that makes any difference to my piece of mind.

I pray.

I pray for strength to face the scary world head on. I pray for my family, for their protection, their lives, their sweet innocence. I pray for my village, that community and love will always be the centre of our shared experiences. I pray for our nation, that we continue to develop methods of detecting possible attacks and furthering our influence internationally to battle against this kind of violence. And of course, I pray for France, and for all affected by such attacks, for their strength, their survival, their healing, eventual acceptance, and ultimately their wellbeing. I pray for our fractured world, and I beg for the future, a better future, for our children and grandchildren.

Because, despite it all, when my brain can't comprehend it, my heart can’t handle the pain, and my soul feels destroyed, my spirit will soar with hope for a better day.

Ciao for now,
Lauren Granger (LG - Life's Good)
xoxo

Your Watcher....

I write this full of conflict and angst. Because chances are, it will all come out sounding so wrong. But maybe, just maybe, it will be okay.

I live my life valuing relationships, family, love, connection and friendship as the most important things to me. And I throw myself into such connections with gusto more often than not. I share and they share. I divulge secrets, and they do too. I develop genuine, deep and lasting bonds with people. It is what I think life is all about.

And it is in these connections that I feel such a sense of ownership of these people. I feel a sense of belonging, a sense of togetherness in life. We share our triumphs and joys, our fears and heartbreaks. And of course, we share our embarrassment, our anxiety and our health woes.

I feel as though I am along for the ride in your lives, feeling a whole bunch of emotions that I imagined you were feeling yourself. Anger on your behalf for an argument I wasn't involved in, feeling loved by an individual I'd only heard about, feeling a sense of unease when you were worried. I'm terribly empathetic. I consider it my downfall actually. I get way too invested in stuff that has nothing to do with me. I get emotional about issues that you will resolve without me, and I get passionate about things I know nothing about. Empathy is me in a nutshell.

Well, it used to be.

I've noticed over the years that I've begun to let less and less into my inner core. I'm happy for you but I am no longer shouting your news from the roof tops. I am annoyed for you, but I am no longer raging against the injustices in your life. I am amused by you, but no longer chuckling for hours afterwards and sharing funny moment with everyone I see.

Perhaps, in my role as your watcher, I am starting to understand that it's actually your life and I don't need to be entirely consumed anymore. I don't need to feel all of your emotions as well as my own. I am starting to relax into my own life, knowing I have my own emotions to walk through, my own situations to deal with, my own self to consider.

Perhaps.

Or perhaps it is because in my role as your watcher, I have now seen a great deal of 'life' that has chipped away at my perspective and corroded my view of the world. Have I entered a stage of self preservation? Where suddenly, things have become so sad that I can no longer let them in?

Or, more to my concern, is it actually that I have become hardened against 'life' and all it's joys and sadnesses? I have seen some amazing things in my time. My best friend gave birth right in front of my 19yr old eyes. I myself have given birth to two children. I met the love of my life when I was young, and we married to grow up together. I still adore him. I have witnessed many happy moments, of weddings, children, laughter and success and sweet faith.

And I have also seen some absolutely horrendous, heart tearing moments too, both with my own eyes, and through you, as your watcher. Marriages breaking down. The unjust and tragic time in which our precious nephew passed away. The traumatic accident that took our mate who had three young children, and that bloody killer breast cancer, that took our beautiful friend away before we got enough time with her. The leukaemia that struck down the miracle child who was gifted after such a difficult struggle, and put her parents through more than they thought they could bare. As your watcher, I've seen you lose your unborn child and have to endure a childbirth, after which you couldn't take him home. I watched you hold your aunty as your uncle passed away, and stay by her side all night. I watched you care for your father whilst trying to care for yourself and your newborn, being told that your Dad wouldn't survive the night, whilst you recovered from surgery and endured endless complications. I saw you, after you had seen your father who took his own life, and i watch on with love and compassion as your own depression continues circles you. I watched you go through the trauma of a terrifying birth experience, and be affected by the fear and flashbacks afterwards. I watched on as your first born went from healthy one day to terminal the next, and attended his funeral last month as we reflected on him being the first of the babies in that friendship group. And I see you. Having said goodbye yet again to your dreams and having to yet again readjust your future plans after having it all stolen away. Again, after such trauma, heartbreak, and utter devastation already colouring your past.

Your heartbreak used to be my heart break. I used to feel it all for you as best I could, to try and understand what you were going through, what you needed, how you might be processing. But I realised, over time and with an ever developing maturity, that I don't need to understand it at all. Firstly, because I can't. And secondly, because all you need from me is my love.

As life goes on and we continue to experience, and watch others experience, the best and the worst of life, the raw sense of emotion has dulled significantly, for both joyous and sad occasions. I feel like my thrilled has become my pleased. And my heartbreak has become my melancholy.

I'm somewhat numb.

I'm not sure if it's a temporary thing. I can't tell if it is simply me taking a step back in the realisation that these things do happen, all the friggin time, to people that i love. People get married, have kids etc. It's all lovely. And people die, lose children, there are accidents. Again, that's life. And the myth about 'it won't happen to me' no longer works on me. Because 'life' seems to be happening all around me to every bloody person I know, every second of the day.

My eyes are open. They have been for a long time now. I've seen a lot, of wonderful and of terrible.

I'm just praying that when my time comes, I have the strength to deal with it as best as I possibly can.

For those who are currently in amongst it, this is for you. You are an inspiration to many, me especially. Your strength has been admirable, and your courage to keep on is bringing us all back to the real world. Which just keeps relentlessly turning every day, without even a pause to allow you a moment to breathe, to catch up, to reflect, to celebrate, to mourn.

And from my place as your watcher, I'm holding your hand, I'm standing on the sidelines, I'm stalking you on Facebook, or I'm thinking of you, and doing the only thing that makes sense in my heart. I'm praying for you. To feel an unexplained sense of love, have the strength to face it all, and feel peace.

And I pray for myself. That my empathy and sense of communion with you all doesn't dissipate further over time until I am simply standing on the other side of the looking glass, wondering the hell is going on.

Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Gonna be okay

xoxo