The Hardest Day of Parenting, Yet!

Tough love....who is it harder for?

Since she arrived on the 23rd of April, Lucy and I have been joined at the hip (well, at the breast, mostly). She became my new sidekick, my new accessory if you will (a very cute one too!) being dragged around to this and that. I was absolutely smitten with her and wanted to show her off at any opportunity I could. And very quickly I realised if I fed her and changed her, she would generally sleep in the pram so it was coffees and magazines for me. Aaaaaah, fresh air! God knows after I spent the latter part of my pregnancy housebound, I had a lot of living to be done!

Greg was home for the first week and then only worked 3 days a week for the next 6 weeks, so he was around alot too. We enjoyed taking her downtown for coffees, going on little family picnics, and heading around to our friends places where she would be cuddled until her heart was content. But once Greg went back to work he was surprised by how often I was still getting out. I'd go to mothers groups, movies, shopping, visits, and for walks around the park. I didn't realise until after the fact that I had hated being so trapped inside.

So for 10 months now, it's been Lucy and I, a little team of Granger girls. As she is breastfed and didn't care for the bottle until just recently I couldn't really go anywhere without her. And she has been a real mummy's girl as well, despite Greg's willingness and want to settle her and do his half of the parenting work, she has mostly preferred me.

Until a few weeks ago! When all of a sudden my highly esteemed place in Lucy's heart as number one shifted and we saw her do a big swing towards Greg's side of the table. And I was waiting for it, but didn't realise it would come so soon. I knew there would eventually be a time when mum got boring and daddy (who is at work for 8 hours a day) is the most wonderful thing in the world. Now, don't get all reassuring on me, I know how much my daughter loves and adores me, and that when she is sad or upset I am the one she turns to. I am simply saying that Greg has started to really come into her affections the way he has hoped for so long now.

You should see her little face light up when she sees the door of his shed lift as he reverses his car in. She looks at me, and then back out the window. She can hear him open the back door and she starts crawling towards the laundry door expectantly. And when he opens that door, oh my gosh, it is like all her Christmas's have come at once. She squeals in delight! Jumps up and down on her little knees and giggles at him. And all he has done is smile. The most beautiful, special, and intimate moments of my heart, right there for all to see.

Now Lucy has been more than we could have hoped for in a daughter, and we are so thankful everyday that she is a delight to us. Lately she has been sleeping terribly (by lately, I mean for a few months now) and it has reached a head this week. With no more than 2 hours in a row most nights, she wakes and wants to feed each time. After seeking several professionals for advice, I decided she wasn't feeding from hunger, but for comfort. And I also saw that without changing something, I was quickly heading down a path of destruction myself. Believe me, after crying without a pause for 2 hours on Friday night because my heavy sense of overwhelming stress and fatigue was too much too bear, Greg and I both realised we couldn't keep going how we were.

And it wasn't just for selfish reasons of 'hmmm, I'd like some more sleep'. But out of necessity because I wasn't actually surviving anymore. The Lauren that has coped remarkably well from day one was falling apart in a big tired mess. The same one who everyone had said had taken to motherhood like a duck to water, who took all things in her stride and who coped well with anything Lucy could throw at her. Well, this one and the same girl was crying out for help for the first time, and it was extremely tough to do. Admitting that in fact you didn't have it all together.

And there were so many telltale signs of my lack of togetherness. The house was a thousand times worse than normal (I mean, Greg and I struggle to keep it together on good days so I can see how that might have been looked over, but it was much worse!) and I couldn't get on top of any of it. I was in a shocking state of hairiness too, with my legs rivalling those of an 16 yr old boy and my eyebrows were as bad as those on Oscar the Grouch! Mono brow included. And I stopped going anywhere. It was too hard to do anything at all. And of course, as you know Lucy was sick two weeks ago, so that certainly didn't help things either. So something needed to change.

What is the worst thing you have ever done as a parent? Is it making up rules that you then hate sticking by? Accidentally hurting your child? Having to watch them get immunised? My worst moment by far was last night. Because last night, I cut her off. From me, and therefore from her beloved nighttime feeds for comfort. And in went Greg to mop up the mess. The first time she woke, man she was cranky. And Greg hardened his heart against her cries for me and patiently settled her as best he could, with love, cuddles, patting, shhhhhhing and anything else that worked. And after 45 minutes of crankiness and tears, she went back to sleep.

And I stood in the shower crying. Because as her mother, it has always been my role to stop the crying. She has always turned to me to fix her. I have always been the one to bring her comfort, to know she is safe, to know she is loved. And last night for that 45 minutes, I am sure she thought I abandoned her. I could hear her accusations in her screams for me. Where the hell are you Mum!!!?

And as predicted and expected, 2 hours later, she woke again. And off Greg went, patient and kind, into her room to disappoint her yet again. But she understood after only 10 minutes this time that Greg was all she would get tonight. And 2 hours later, she woke to him and was settled within a few minutes. And so on went our two hour sleeps until I finally fed her when dawn came at 6am, and she slept again until 8am. So predictable. I was so grateful that she understood quickly that it was daddy who would come, and that there was no point begging him for food...he couldn't offer even if he wanted to.

And so we continue tonight, I'm hoping it may be a little easier again, and that she may sleep a longer between getting up. Because soon she will hopefully realise there is no point to waking up during the night, there is nothing for her.

But until she sleeps, I won't sleep. Even though Greg is getting up to her, I am lying there...guilty as all hell and praying she sleeps quickly without fuss. Praying she knows without a doubt that her mummy loves her so much. Praying that she understands that her mummy needs to look after herself because unless I do, I will be less capable to look after her.

 Thankfully she doesn't hold a grudge.

Ciao for Now,
LG, Life's Good!

The Controversial Wearing of Pants!

Who wears the pants!?

Relationships are tricky things at times. You have two people who are hoping to head down the same path towards their mutual future...but at times they have differing ideas of how to get there! And even when you are the most compatible couple in the world, you still get on each others nerves from time to time.

I remember my mother gave me some excellent advice when we got engaged...'there will be days when you just love each other so much that you will want to burst. There will be days when you want to kill each other too. But mostly, there will be days that are mediocre, when you are just two people travelling alongside each other with the same goals in mind.' And in our relationship I have found that to be true.

Greg and I are best friends who share our secrets together, we tell each other things we would never share with anyone else. We see the best sides of each other on our good days and the worst of each other on our bad days. We know when the other is cranky, or just tired, when there is a real issue or simply it's just that time of the month. And at times we can't get enough of each other, madly in love and joking around within our own little bubble of happiness. But other times we misunderstand each other, the tone we use or the words we say, like we hardly know each other at all.

I was talking with friends on the weekend about the old wearing of pants business (and I promised I'd write a blog on it, you're welcome!). You know, its a term that seems to under mind the masculinity of the man in the relationship. Under the thumb? Wears his balls on her necklace etc? It was claimed that I was the wearer of pants in our relationship. But was does it mean? That they have viewed me in my role as Greg's wife to be too strong? Or have they viewed him as too weak? Because doesn't it mean that the balance is wrong if the girl is wearing the pants? Isn't it a bit insulting to hear that?

What I am surprised at is why this tiny statement should matter at all to me. Ooooh, God forbid something thinks I am wearing the pants! Who cares!? Why do I give a damn how they see our relationship from their view point? I know they love us both and are supportive of us as a couple and as a family. It was a passing joke if anything. But perhaps I do see what they see.

What they might see is that Greg doesn't do much without checking in with me first. He might prefer to spend Saturday night with the family at home rather than heading down to the pub, but I also might have blown off the girls to do the same. They might see me asking Greg to not go fishing for an afternoon so he can spend some time with us instead. So they see Greg doing things to please me, to keep his wife happy. Happy wife, happy life?

It's like wearing the pants means that he should continue to do whatever he chooses, whenever he chooses and never consider anyone else, continue on living a life like he had before he married or became a parent. Wearing the pants means he doesn't consider others when making decisions, and what he says goes. Wearing the pants means that he shouldn't be questioned, that he should be obeyed. Hmmmm.

Does wearing the pants mean still going away for weeks with the boys? Does wearing the pants mean still doing all the hobbies you enjoy? Does wearing the pants mean staying out late with the boys when you'd like to? 

So I asked our friends to show me a relationship in which the man wore the pants....they couldn't think of one. So does it actually exist in reality? This alpha man who wears the pants? Or is it just a way to tease our men about being considerate, caring and communicative husbands (which is actually what they should be!).

Because perhaps once a guy falls in love and chooses to consider another person in everything they do, it actually makes him become the man he was intended to be. Maybe choosing to put someone else first in life is honourable, and will make him a much better partner for the long haul. I have seen men who try and hold all control in a relationship, it often ends in the women feeling so downtrodden that they must break free and walk away.

Although, I know I have seen cases when either the guy or girl in a relationship over time resembles nothing of their former self. No longer partaking in anything for them. No longer caring what they think for themselves, only thinking of the other. That is the extreme case that I am sure this saying started with. The man who can no longer socialise with his friends, who no longer does any hobbies, who no longer sees anyone. He is the man I think they initially thought of when saying she wears the pants.

But don't think the girl doesn't change herself to fit either. I can't tell you how many times I have chosen Greg over others, how often I have dragged my feet to events that interest him, how I made the choice to stop participating in shows for the moment because that is time I'd rather spend with him. How I have to run my ideas past him about spending money on major things, how I have to be more giving with my time so he can do his hobbies. What I buy when I do the groceries is based on what Greg likes to eat. And I love doing all these things because I love him and want to please him, as he does me.

So in my mind Greg wears the pants. And maybe in his mind I wear the pants. Because we both feel that our control has been relinquished somewhat to each other...that we no longer make choices only for ourselves because we care what the other wants as well. And we don't resent this at all. We have welcomed it as it changes and grows each year we are together. 

A relationship is a partnership. Where both people should be caring of the other. I consider us to be equal partners in our relationship, considering the other before we commit to anything and ensuring that we do guard our time together as a couple, and as a family, as precious and necessary.

And this old line about who wears the pants? I don't think it's relevant anymore.

Ciao for Now,
LG, Life's Good!

Work Schmirk!

Who wants to work for a living?

If you had asked me while I was still in high school where I would be in 10 years, I doubt I would have said working as a Public Servant. Yes, I would have hoped to be married and with children, perhaps settled in a house too. Tick, tick, tick. But what did I want to do as a vocation? Had I high hopes for my career? I think I had high hopes to win lotto and never have to work!

Originally, I was dreaming of the performing arts. I thought perhaps I would start with some modelling to get my face on the side of a bus, then perhaps move to a little Home and Away, and after that some Playschool. And then with my screen experience until my belt, I'd continue on to the stage - performing leading roles in Sydney and beating Marina Prior and Lisa McCune at the bit for the best shows in town. I had even told some buddies at school that when I made it to the Logies (of which of course I'd be nominated for a Silver), I would take them as my dates.

So what happened? How did this girl of lights and glamour end up 40kgs overweight, still living in my hometown, and in a job for money rather than love? What happened to the ambition, the self belief, the dreams of fame and fortune? I'll tell you what happened...opportunity walked up and tapped me on the shoulder, with the temptations of security and stability. And my life has been this way ever since!

During senior high school years, I worked as a nanny for a childcare company. I worked for the same family for 2 years, every day after school I'd drive to their school and pick them up, take them home, play, do homework, and get ready for dinner so that their parents could spend quality time with them upon their arrival home around 6pm. I became part of their family, and I loved them. But when I finished school, I needed a little more work than just the afternoons, so working with the same company, I took last minute work. Someone would call me the day before with the details of my job the next day.

It was working well for me until one day I had a strange case. I turned up at the house to look after 1yr old twins whilst the mother worked from home and would assist me when required. Upon my arrival I saw the mother was quite the hippy. As the day progressed, I grew to like the babies, and the mother wasn't around too much so it was okay...she really was a bit of an odd ball. Just before I was due to finish up, I was asked to help her bathe the bubs. No problems! She said she'd go in and get the bath ready, and could I please get the first baby ready and bring him in. Okay, that's cool. Away she goes, and off I go in different directions to get the baby out of his clothes and nappy, ready for his bath time. I walk the little man into the bathroom only to find her IN THE BATH NUDE, and she cares not that I am a stranger, her employee for the day, a girl, or anything else. Perhaps I had her pegged wrong...maybe not hippy, but more exhibitionist? Lesbian? Nudist?! Certainly no prude.

Well, this was awkward. What made it worse was that she asked me to test the water with my elbow to double check the temperature. WHILE SHE WAS IN THE BATH! Honestly, it was the strangest job I have ever had! I tell this story all the time because her house is on a street we often drive along. Poor Greg. 'Oh Greg, you know who lives in that house!?' 'The Naked Lady?' 'Oh. Yes.'

Anyway, I'm off track. It is slightly relevant because I was working this nanny job at the time my sister called me with an excellent opportunity. She had been at a BBQ with a friend who was in charge of setting up a project, and they required 100 staff by Monday! And they would pay me triple what I was getting now (to look at naked hippys). And it could lead to more permanent roles in the public service.....and so began my career.

I have enjoyed a lot of my career, and have certainly been satisfied as I won new positions and moved up the pay scale, but it isn't what I had in mind when I was younger. But you know what? It enables me to have the life I want after hours. I work to live, not live to work. I work during business hours so that I can enjoy my life more at home, having the lifestyle that I love (which includes a lot of holidays!). And it works well. I have built up some qualifications in my area of expertise and I am respected amongst my peers. I have developed wonderful friendships along the way and many wonderful things have come from my working in the public service.

But this satisfaction was all before I realised there was an even greater job out there. One that would bring me so much reward, one that I was desperate to achieve great things in, one that would change my outlook on life and leave me looking forward to the next day so much I could burst with excitement! I'm talking about Lucy. The most wonderful baby in the world! Although, at the moment, I don't have to wait all night to see what the next day will bring, she insists on seeing me every 2 hours just to say hi! Those of you who are parents will understand what I say when I am talking about such a new sense of purpose in life. And those of you who aren't yet parents but wish to be, you can certainly try your hardest to imagine and prepare yourself for such wonder, but before I met Lucy I can tell you I just couldn't comprehend it the way I do now. And being a primary carer can be a tough job but I find it mostly just a delight. I am the happiest I have even been, and I think I might be working harder than I ever have...there is no down time!

But in April (or maybe as soon as mid/late March) I am due back at work and will begin a new phase of trying to focus on something during the day so I can get it done, do my hours and get home to be with Lucy again! I will transition back into work doing part time hours initially, but moving to full time soon enough. I will miss my little one so much, she is my new best friend! We do everything together, and aren't used to being apart. And I think we have reached that point in life when I have almost become more reliant upon her than she is on me. So while she is off having an awesome time at daycare, meeting new little buddies and learning all sorts of things, I will be at my desk trying to imagine what she is up to. Trying to focus on something that I am getting paid to do.

I'm not looking forward to it, but will try my best to be positive. After all, once I am back to work full time again, I will qualify for my next Mat Leave. Wink Wink.

Ciao for Now,
LG, Life's Good!

Over The Yo Yo Effect!

The magical answer....

How many New Years resolutions have you had that started with 'I will try to be healthier this year'? Whether it be to lose weight, to reach a fitness goal, or to eat more real, nutritious foods. I feel like that has been my first point of call for resolutions every year since I was 13. This year will be different. This year, I will change my life. Next year, I won't be sitting here wishing the same thing over and over again. And each year so far, I have found myself wishing the same thing because for some reason it didn't happen.

Now, I told you previously that I underwent hypnosis to help me live a healthy life without having to fight myself along the way? Not to lose weight, but to eat well and to exercise (and clearly the weight will follow). How's that going for me? Well, I think I thought it was some kind of magical answer, that I no longer had to try and be conscious of eating well and exercising regularly. And I have stopped focusing on my end goals and what I will feel and look like when I arrive at that golden BMI range. Because I have stopped giving myself time to look after me.

Over this past fortnight things have been incredibly hectic! Poor little Lucy had her first fever which gave us quite the scare - especially when it dropped to 33.4! And obviously not much sleep is had by anyone when the baby isn't well, so we were all running on empty. Add to that Lucy's norm is to wake every 2 hours at the moment even when she is well and you have a little family of exhausted individuals! My saving grace has been my wonderful family and friends who have offered to take Lucy for an hour or two so we could sleep, or clean or do whatever it is that we wanted to do. Admittedly, we didn't take up any of those offers...but knowing that they are there is half the gift. And if we truly needed to, we would. My other saving grace has been eating/drinking high energy foods with no nutritional content. Booo! And as a result, for the first time in quite a while, the scales went UP! Dang! Not surprising though, considering not a great deal of exercise was happening...more likely I was found lying on the floor with Lucy, her playing, me unable to muster any strength or energy to move.

So previously, my feelings would be along the lines of 'well, now I have stuffed it all, might as well give up!', but what I am thinking now is I am glad I have noticed the change early enough to stop it. It is completely within my control and I don't have to sit by and watch my body re stack on weight that doesn't belong here anymore. Be gone evil double chin! Your banished love handles! You don't belong on this body anymore!

Man, I wish that I had stopped and taken notice when I had put on weight in teenage years and then again once I was married. It is so much harder to take it off than it is to put it on!!! Believe me, you are looking at a Yo Yo dieter from way back, getting in on all the fads I possibly could! I've tried Weight Watchers, Cohen's Lifestyle program, Tony Ferguson, the Atkins Diet and Lite'n'Easy, plus I'm sure many more. And you know I have had considerable success with some of those. But my life is full of socialising at meal times and I have found time and time again that I can't maintain a diet as such...I end up resenting it and everyone around me.

 With Ali, at my healthiest I have been in years - NYE 2005/2006

So by chance I stumbled across the most amazing answer in the whole universe, a secret that I seemed to have missed seeing this whole time. Something so miraculous that I can't believe everyone doesn't know it!!! It's that old story of eating real, nutritious, whole foods and being active. You know what they crap on about on the TV all the time, the signs up in your doctors waiting room, and just normal common sense knowledge? WOW! It actually works! I feel like a real idiot for trying so many different things when the answer was here the whole time.

So I am pumped to go to my second Zumba class tonight and get active in a big way! Get that tomato head going! And I am going shopping this morning for groceries when Lucy wakes up - so I can fill my fridge with excellent options, rather than quick fixes. Because stuff returning to a higher weight than I am right now. Screw that! No way. I have released this weight to never return, and I will not accept it back in my life.

You know, the day before I had Lucy, I weighed in at 23kgs heavier than what I am today. And before I got pregnant, I was 2kgs heavier than I am today. By the time I am pregnant next, I must be within my healthy BMI range. Which means I am to release a further 40 kgs! Yes, I do have that much to say goodbye to. And I want to be honest with you. Because being honest to approximately 60 people out there provides a great transparency for me, and I can't trick all of you into thinking I am doing well if I am not.

With Amy and Kat, at my heaviest January 2009

So I'm focuses again. And I can tell you the Lauren in my mind that I see at the end of 2012 is the best Lauren there ever was (physically). She is confident, active, graceful, quick, and she loves life! Oh yes, she loves life! And she will give herself the best chance of having a healthy, strong and enjoyable pregnancy so that she isn't stuck within these 4 walls for 5 months again.

If you too are on this journey to a healthier life, tell me. Give me the inspiration to know I have you by my side. Share your goals with me, so we can encourage each other. And make sure it stops now, don't continue this unhealthy lifestyle you may have developed. I know we all have valid reasons for falling into such traps, but there is very little justification for staying there. You actually have control of your life, so take it by the balls and GO!

Ciao for now,
LG, Life's Good!

Makeover Me!

First impressions last....

I always try to judge people on their inner qualities rather than their outer image, although I do like to appreciate the beautiful things in life. I like to think that you can be a beautiful person without necessarily being physically attractive. And I also know from experience that a person can look elegant and refined, but the moment they open their big mouth, their ugliness takes overs and it becomes obvious that they are a complete mole! I try and get to know people and appreciate their character and opinions, their attitudes and beliefs.

But lets be honest...first impressions are mostly based on what you see. When you meet someone for the first time, you will very quickly decide if you would like to continue the conversation, or if you signal to your Wing Man/Wing Girl to come and rescue you. You know at a party, there is that one person who seems to attract attention for all the right reasons. And there is also that one person you spend the night avoiding, whether it be subconsciously or not. 

And I feel that what men do to make a first impression is completely different to what women do. Oh, and don't get me wrong...I'm not talking about picking up here. I'm talking about meeting friend's partners, meeting new friends, work colleagues etc. Now I like the men in my life to make me laugh, because I walk away from meeting them thinking, aren't they funny? And I love to laugh. If they can get a belly laugh out of me, we will be friends forever. And I also like them to be of the non-sleazy variety: I don't mind flirting, but I'd like it to be respectful of my husband who is standing just over there. And of course I love a man who tells me I'm looking lovely when I am (thank you Steve, Jase and Gaz), but who doesn't throw it out there when I'm not just as part of conversation. A man who asks questions and tries to get to know you always wins in my book, and those who I share any interest with will continue to rise in appreciation with each newly discovered likeness. I steer clear of tossers, sleazes, and sweaty men.

But girls are completely different. I am attracted to girls (for friendship purposes) who wear colours to bring out their natural beauty. I like girls who look like they are having fun with lots of laughs and a mischieveous twinkle in their eyes! I like girls who care about building relationships and being honest with each other. I like girls that are approachable and fun to be around. I admire girls who take extra care to dress appropriately for the event, whatever it may be, and I prefer those who have natural looking makeup to those who cake it on. I tend to steer clear of those girls who sneer at others, who appear to be bitching with their friends about others in the room, and who generally look like trash.

But all of this within a split second of meeting a person. Because that first impression will last a long time. We all know that the good looking people in the world actually have more opportunities in life...proven fact. So if you are an unattractive person reading this blog, my apologies go to you and your family for the tough times ahead.

But don't they say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover? Well, chances are you will anyway to some extent. Because you just can't get to know everyone deeply and intimately before you choose whether you'd like them around or not.

I take too little time on my appearance. A daily routine? Whats that! Although I see what I like in other girls, I very rarely meet that match myself. I hate shopping...overweight girls my age get the awesome pleasure of dressing like your mum because there is hardly anything out there for my size. And most of the clothes are made in such a way that they actually make me look bigger by hiding my waistline and making me more frumpy. So I don't shop. And as a result my clothes are daggy, old and re-used all the time. And I hardly take any time for myself, so even though I have lovely coloured and cut hair...most days it goes up in a ponytail because it is so unruly that it requires blow drying and straightening to be worn down. And because it is so thick, that takes 45mins. Who has that kind of time. If you are lucky, I might have some mascara on.

What I would prefer of myself is a well dressed Lauren. Who wears her hair down more often than not, who takes a moment to pop a little something on her face to accentuate her beautiful features (eyes, cheekbones, lips) so they stand out. I'd like to be able to walk into a room confidently knowing I look great, rather than looking around the room wishing I had taken some time to freshen up my look instead of sleeping that extra 30 mins.

I want to take pride in my appearances. To be a person who cares enough to treat myself right. So many mums around the world say things like, I come last etc. But I'd like Lucy to grow up with a mum who shows her that is important to look after yourself. To spend time making yourself presentable to the world. That you should have a pleasurable image as well as nature. And she will learn that in the real world, she will be making first impressions which are a culmination of her image, personality, temperament and character.

I'm dreaming of a stylist, a makeup tutor, some money, and of shops that sell outfits that compliment my curves rather than try to hide them. Because while I am getting fitter all the time and making efforts to lead a healthier lifestyle...I'm not there yet. And I want to stop that rolling ball of disgrace each day that starts with 'well, I have nothing to wear so there is no point making any effort with the rest of me'.

So I am going to start a self makeover. Buy some clothes that are nice (surely there must be some out there!) and treat them lovingly. Wash my makeup off each night (if I have bothered to put any on that day!). Wear my hair out instead of up. And generally improve my outside image to better match my inner beauty.

UH OH! Panda eyes, PJ's and Product in hair from yesterday! 

Looks like somebody needs a little TLC! 

Because I'm worth it. (Hair shake)

Ciao for now,
LG, Life's Good!