When fear has the steering wheel...

When the fear evaporates, the motivation dissipates.

I know I've spoken about it at length, but I just want to make sure you really understand what I am saying. My knee being a bit rubbish is actually a MASSIVE issue for me. Anything that affects the ability to move comfortably and capably is critical to our wellbeing. Having that taken away, even if only temporarily, is a huge challenge. The threat of having it as an ongoing, potentially lifelong issue is consuming me.

I am conscious of wallowing a little too much in the moment, like, it's just a knee right? Everyone has had a knee problem at one point or another. Old mate dislocated his last year, some chick had a reconstruction, your mum had a replacement. I get it. It's a common, regular kind of thing to happen. Oh, you've got a shit knee? Yeah, you and so many others. That's okay, i know my drama is not necessarily your drama. But, it's all relative. My point, overall, is that it is BIG for me to deal with.

I live in concern. For my future, my lifestyle, my work performance, my involvement with children, my holidays, my knee, my knee, my knee. And all of my decisions at the moment are focused on getting the weight off my knee, releasing this pressure and getting back up to speed as quickly as I can. Which is great, yes, absolutely. This issue with my knee is the focus I needed to make some really significant changes to my life to ensure I limit progression of the arthritis and the eventual replacement I may need.

I came to realise that I am currently living in fear. Fear of a knee replacement. Fear of pain. Fear of having a disability. Fear of being unable to live the life I want. Endlessly fearing my possible future and doing everything i can to run away from those outcomes, bolting in the opposite direction. This fear will drive me to a positive consequence. This fear will lift me out of my obesity and into a world of increased health.

Why, do you think, has it taken this BIG (remember, in my eyes) moment in my life to spur me into action? Why, after 34 years of life has it finally clicked that life may be terrible if I don't get it together? Why, or bloody why, does it take an act of FEAR in my life to focus my attention on my poor, suffering, overworked body?

And why did I not respond to any positive incentives that have been there all along when I looked at the positive notions of losing weight and focusing on my health?

Imagine the clothes I could have in my cupboard! Meh.

Imagine the feeling of wellness I will feel when I stop eating crap! Meh.

Imagine how strong and confident I feel when I am thinner! Meh. If i can't be confident as I am, then I am not worth anything.

Imagine how attractive others would find you. Who cares.

You know where positive reinforcement does work? Everywhere else. I get my hair coloured because I enjoy my own reflection more when my hair colour is fresh. I spend time with my children because it brings me joy, in sharing moments, watching them, laughing with them, and in hearing their voices. I cuddle my husband because I adore his touch. I work hard because I like to be respected at work. I love seeing my friends because it replenishes my soul.

But here are the things I didn't say:
I exercise because it makes me feel good.
I love the way my body works when I eat well.
Making good choices for my body makes me happy, inside and out.
Moving my body everyday lets me wear wonderful clothes.
My confidence comes from the knowledge of my true beauty and value both inside and out.

I'm not talking about creating mantras and deliberately focusing on them and using the amazing power of mind to achieve great things. I'm talking about the basics of just knowing the truth in some things or not. Example: I religiously apply sunscreen when spending time in the sun to prevent sunburn on my fair skin. It is good for me to do this, so I do it every time without fail. I wonder if I could apply that same simple logic to eating?

Some people to inherently understand whats good for them, and they follow that positive incentive to the tee, almost without trying. And others, like me, seem to have missed that critical part of life's understanding. Those of us who are more focused on the joy found in [insert muse here], ultimately to our own detriment.

And the way I see it, this poses a massive problem for long term health. If your health journey, like mine, has bounced from crisis to crisis, with a fear-inducing issue creating the motivation required...until it is somewhat resolved...the fear will eventually dissipate, leaving you without drive. Leaving you back at the beginning, in which case you are at risk of recommencing your original behaviours which will take you back to where you started.

Because if you don't have a belief in the positive truths of health, you won't keep making choices to support your health. You will not choose to move your body everyday because it feels good, you had only chosen that because you were forced to move by fear of a terrible outcome. Now that terrible outcome risk has lessoned with the changes you made, you are no longer forced into health. In fact, you now have freedom, a release from that fear. FREEDOM. What would you do with your new found freedom from fear? Continue living in that same manner? Or let loose? Here we go again.

Jeez, that's negative. And sad.

So how do we break the cycle? I actually don't know. Seriously, no idea! I'm only just discovering this as a concept, I certainly haven't figured out all the answers yet!

But i can tell you something. The more positive experiences we have, the more we learn to associate that positivity with relevant behaviours, and desire those behaviours to eventuate the desired result. So if you allow yourself to enjoy the improvements, enjoy the health, focus on those new attributes of your life you like as a result of the choices you are making, the more likely you are to stay with that path.

So I am going to yet again amend my focus, from what I don't want to happen to what I do want to happen. And for me, I want to have longevity in my joints, strength in my muscles, continuous rhythm in my heartbeats and elasticity in my lungs. The rest comes from there.

Happy to hear your suggestions! Go! 

Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Great!

The Pursuit of Perfection...

Strive for perfection if you must, just make sure your goals are what you need them to be…

Earlier this year, after dabbling in some amateur cake making, my brother asked if I might make him a cake for his 30^th birthday celebration, to which I of course agreed. He gave me plenty of notice and I set to work researching, youtubing, and spending on all things cake related. I was excited by the challenge! I developed a theme for his cake, being a carpenter’s cake, and let my creative mind run wild. (Well, that’s not entirely true, I actually copied it all off a cake design I saw a picture of in Google Images). I hadn’t completed any cake decorating courses and all my cake related knowledge was from my sister’s shared experience and the internet. I marbled colours into woodgrained icing. I carved a hammer, nails and a ruler from gum paste and I created a stencil to cut out a circular saw….all edible. I perfected these tools several times before I arrived at the final product and once I was there, I knew I had arrived and I was chuffed. I obsessed about it, and created an awesome, professional looking masterpiece. It took self-education, money and so much time. But it was a labour of love for my brother’s special birthday….a gift to him. I wanted it to be super special. On the day, it blew his mind away. In other words, I nailed it….like a carpenter.  

When I last did this eating plan, which is my optimal choice of weight reduction management, I did the same thing. For 23 weeks, I did not deviate from the plan once. Everything I ate was purposeful, deliberate, and nutritious. I ate at the right time, I ate the right amount, I ate the right food. I did not falter once in that 5 months. And I reaped the rewards of my determination – 40kg melted off me easily. I looked and felt amazing. My skin was clear, my knees no longer hurt, my energy levels were high and I was the happiest I had been in so long. 

But in the back of my mind was this obsession with perfectionism. Not perfectionism in a clean house, not perfectionism in my appearance, or my children’s behavior, but perfectionism in my commitment. It had to be all or nothing. Because if I fell off the wagon at any point, I knew I would struggle to get back on. Because all is lost, right? If I stuff it up once, I was just as powerless to those old habits as I ever was. If I fall from my path of perfection, I am no better than I was in the beginning. 

Had it been perfectionism in the end result, that would have been a different story. Had I been focused on getting to the ‘perfect’ healthy BMI, instead of focused on being perfect in the journey, perhaps my fall wouldn’t have been so dramatic. But I was focused slightly off center, on my performance rather than the results. Unlike the cake, where I tried and tried again, and mastered each stage and moved past many failings to achieve the result I was happy with in the end, I had set myself up to fail. Because while 5 months of perfect eating was incredible and awesome, at some point I was going to waiver. I was, after all, at that point because of lifelong habits. 

And that’s exactly what happened. Eventually, one day I let one person’s negative comments undo me. I let that person’s words become the excuse I wanted in that moment, and I held onto those words and mulled over them and let them corrode me. And I fell.

My fall was from a great height. On the way down, I hit every bump without cushion. 

I’m no longer perfect at this. 

I can’t say I have this sorted anymore. 

I have ruined this. Again. 

This is no different than every other time.

Why did I believe those thoughtless words instead of believing in myself? 

Why don’t I have enough self-respect to disregard this moment? 

Maybe I am better off being my normal (obese) self. 

Why bother. I can’t do it anyway. 

I thought I had it covered, but I was really just pretending to be someone else. 

Here we go again. 

Fuck it all.  

And low and behold, those thoughts took hold of me and I believed them. Every single one of them. I believed I didn’t deserve my hard work and didn’t deserve to be thin. I convinced myself so thoroughly that I might as well just accept myself as I am that I returned to my old weight and did nothing to stop that process. In fact, I was a perfectionist at returning to my base point. I achieved that and have been here for several years now. 

I remember almost two years ago, sitting around the campfire on new years eve with one of my best friends, telling her my resolution for 2016 was to get through the year without putting myself on a diet. Without focusing my life on food, on right and wrong, just focusing on trying to live like a ‘normal’ person (whatever that is). I explained I was sick of eternally struggling to be something I wasn’t, and sick of yoyo dieting and the toll it was taking on both my body and my mind. 

And I did it. The one and only new years resolution I've completed! I stuck to my plan of doing nothing that year. And slowly but surely, I learnt something. I realized I have spent years projecting what you are all thinking, the judgements and internal comments you may have made about my weight and my life. And I realized, these thoughts are all my own. Everything I thought you were thinking or worried you were saying behind my back, that paranoia is all my own. I own those thoughts. I know the truth to them. That’s why they are in my head. And slowly, as I acknowledged them, they became less powerful. And I stopped obsessing about the rest of the world and starting listening to me. When I went out to dinner, I made my choice based on what I wanted to eat, not what I should be eating. I chose how much to drink based on my own desired, not based on what you might think is right. I chose how much exercise to do (none) and didn’t think about how much you thought I should be doing. And while it was an over-indulgent and extremely unhealthy time in my life full of disregard, I developed a freedom from those voices in my head. I taught myself to listen to the voice that matters, (mine) and to pause the endless assumptions I was making on everyone’s behalf. 

Why is any of this a good thing you ask? Why do we want to quieten the voices that guide us to better living? We don’t. Here me out.

While those voices in my mind that I thought were your judgements slowly disappeared with my acceptance, I discovered my own voice. My inner voice that was screaming from behind the façade of paranoia ‘DO SOMETHING’! My subconscious was clearly working in an unhelpful manner to draw attention to the issues, but it wasn’t what I needed. I needed to stop blaming everyone else for their judgement and start owning my own feelings, my own desires, my own encouragement…my own judgement of myself and my behavior.

So finally, after ignoring that voice for as long as I could, I was catapulted into this journey as a result of an injury to my knee. Wait, what?!

Even after I discovered my own voice urging me to better health, I still didn’t make the required changes to improve my life? Nope. Because that’s what I did. I ate at all cost. I knew what to do. I had the tools to do it. I am an intelligent, educated and resourceful human. Yet, I chose deliberately to do the very thing that I knew would make it harder. I ate. Sometimes I drank well past the point of excess. Even when I knew it wasn’t good for me.

I was a perfect addict. I wanted it so I went out and got it. I spent money on it, prioritized my time for it. I even lied about it at some points in my life. I traded off good parts of my life, my capability, my wardrobe and my confidence for it. I perfected the art of eating too much of the wrong type of food. And I hurt myself in the process. 

So now, as I turn my attention towards rectifying this situation and improving the outcome for my knees and my future, I have to point my desire for perfectionism where it belongs. Because my commitment on this journey to a BMI that is within the healthy range is not subject to a fall off the wagon. It will not be derailed with thoughts of my journey being completely ruined. I will point the perfectionism at my goal, at a long-lasting, focused approach to the eventual arrival, of being more on task than off. 

Because this time around, I don’t plan for perfection in the diet, that is what undid me before. I plan for life, I plan for choices, I plan for focus and results through consistency and reality, and mostly I plan to enjoy this journey as I discover more and heal myself through increased awareness and forgiveness of unrealistic expectations. I plan for the end result. I plan to nail this journey and be a masterpiece of my own creation through hard work, determination and returning to the end game focus time and time again.  

I still have perfectionism in mind it's in my nature, but its tempered on being the best me. Not the fittest, skinniest, youngest, prettiest. Just the best version of me I can be. Which includes but is not limited to, my healthy body. So I will research, I will spend money and I will invest so much time, and I will try and try again and I will not rest until I am satisfied my result is the best I can achieve. A masterpiece. 

So, gift yourself a labour of love. I don't mean bake yourself a cake. I mean make the masterpiece you need to make to know you've arrived at your best. Spend the required time, effort and money on that thing you keep thinking about. 

Why wait any longer? As we both now know, your knees could fall apart if you wait much longer!  

Because it’s true. When you place effort and energy into a task, you really can achieve anything. You can nail it! (Get it?)

Ciao for now, 

LG- Life's Great

P.S My new favourite song applies.... be inspired:  https://youtu.be/rGlEZpOVjGo

#imaginedragons

The struggle is real...

There is no resolve so strong as the future being threatened...except when there's food.

No, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon a week after I spilled my heart to the internet. Not in the slightest. I am celebrating a milestone of weight loss that is the start of wonderful things to come in fact! Go me! And I do so by sharing this little morsel with you: why is it so friggin hard!?

Last week, my resolve was without temptation. I stood here, declaring from the rooftops that I need and will endeavour to protect my health against all nasty desires that may swing my way, none of which I was experiencing at the time.

Tonight, I write to you from the depths of PMS as a mere distraction to keep me from eating the entire contents of our fridge and ponder WTAF! Not only am I lying here wishing the constant stabbing in my uterus would either put me out of my misery or die itself a quick death, but I am literally driving myself crazy trying to talk myself into 'just a taste' of something that i know will be 'just a kilo' of.

At what stage in my life did I lose the ability to have 'just a taste'? At what stage did I lose the ability to enjoy 'just enough' instead of needing the entire package? And when did this behaviour become so ingrained in my life that I am physically having to restrain myself from the fridge when my hormones have annihilated my normal moderately good resolve. Not only am I to lose weight, but I also must get rid of these habits, these mindsets, these horribly unhelpful paradigms my life has developed over the years, as an ultimate consumer answering every desire.

And why do I struggle with this and yet the person next to me does not. Why am I literally (and i know I am dramatic at times but I actually mean literally) a tortured soul for food? Why am I attached to it the way some are attached to alcohol, drugs, whatever else? At which part in my life did it become my 'drug of choice'? This really bothers me, particularly when I look around and know people who've never been on any kind of diet. I can't remember a time when I was 'free' from food. It is like the little devil on my shoulder, teasing me, enticing me, calling me, destructing me.

How do I get rid of it? How do I turn my back from this endless journey that I continually struggle with to ensure that the changes I am making today, right now, for the past two months for my knee and my future, will remain permanent? How do I not become another statistic in the weightless cycle yet again? How can I jump off the ride?

Tonight, I am exhausted. I know it's hormonal. Until today, I have been feeling amazing due to my wonderful nutritious food which has led to amazing sleep, which has brought a happiness in knowing I am doing a wonderful thing for myself and I've got it covered. But today, thanks to being a woman (and potentially years of indulging when in pain) I am feeling crap. Proper crap. I am feeling emotional, achy, tired and overwhelmed with the task ahead. And i know that tomorrow, I will wake up feeling better, stronger, happier, and I will wonder why on earth I was so 'intense' yesterday.

What I really should be doing is taking this chipped nail polish off my nails and sinking my tired and sad body into a hot delicious smelling bath. However, thanks to the arthroscopy wounds and stitches that are being removed tomorrow, i cannot. So I turn to you, my beloved blog readers, and i share (and overshare) my soul yet again to help me get through this moment. It's my form of self-help, sharing my heart to release the pressure and pass on a little of me so I can move forward with my day, my month, my life.

Which reminds me - I read something so amazing today. It spoke about self love as needing to parent yourself sometimes and make the hard choices that don't necessarily make you happy now, or fulfil your immediate desires, but that are better for you in the long run. Ha! I thought self love was giving yourself a cuppa and doing your nails or focusing your self talk on propping yourself up when others weren't filling the gaps.  Spending time believing in yourself and your ability and ommmmmmmm.

But making tricking decisions because the end game is more important that immediate gratification? That's what I am all about as a parent! In every conversation and every decision and every action, I am considering how this will shape their teenager and adult years. If I say yes when my daughter wants to watch a rehearsal and spend the day at the theatre, because 'dancing is my life Mum', will this be the beginning of a lifelong dance obsession (that, in truth has already begun)? If I accept this rude behaviour now, will they behave towards others as they have towards me? If I play play dough at dinner time and mention difficulties i experienced in my school days, will that encourage conversations about similar things in the event they occur? My focus for them is and has always been the long game. It's kinda something I pride myself on.

Turns out, i need to do some self-parenting too. Turns out I need to give myself some tough love, some responsible love. If I was my own parent, this is what I would say to myself:

• Keep elevating and icing your knee
• No, you cannot have more to eat. You've eaten what you need for your body, have a glass of water and find something else to do
• This, too, shall pass (thanks Ali, I always think of you when I think of this)
• Keep writing. It helps you process and share what you are going through
• Speak to a professional, there are people who can help develop strategies for dealing with this all
• Clean up your bedroom
• While you're at it, make your bed in the morning
• And for goodness sake, get off the computer and fold that pile of washing (totally not doing it)!

What do you need to parent yourself about? 

Mum's the word. 

Ciao for now, 

LG - Life's Great!

Turns out I couldn't have my cake and eat it too...

I can eat, drink and live however I want because I am proud of who I am and my size doesn’t define me….until it did. 

This blog page has been a therapeutic source of support for me over the years as I have jumped on and off the weight loss bandwagon. I have raged at the world in defiance, believing I should be loved for being me, and not for the size of my jeans. I have learned to accept me. Equally, I have raged at how difficult it was losing weight and challenging I found it emotionally. I have sought medical help, pharmaceutical help, psychological help, I have at times deliberately taken steps to ignore the battle completely and to just be.

But 7 weeks ago when I crawled across my lounge, heard something pop in my knee, and was suddenly facing a different path in life, I realized I had made a massive mistake. Just. Like. That. 

Prior to that moment, I was wishing my weight away but not taking any action to enable it to happen. I was feeling a need for action, but resisting it as I have worked so very hard to be okay with being me, it seems counter productive to seek a different way of life. How backwards is that? In my mind, I have worked so hard to believe in my own value (including/despite my obesity), and demand that unconditional love from others, that to admit I needed to change was like admitting I had gotten it all wrong. That I had been pointing my focus in the wrong direction. That I hadn’t been right at all.  

Not  once would you ever see my look into the mirror and ask ‘does my arse look fat in this’. Firstly, I’m not stupid, I know when my own looks fat. Secondly, because I did not want to pass self-critiquing messages about poor body image to my daughters. And thirdly, because I didn’t actually want to invite that level of criticism into my life from others. It is not for someone else to tell me if my body is acceptable. That is for me and me only to decide. 

But when I hurt my knee that day, and in the subsequent weeks it became apparent it wasn’t an issue that was going away (ever), I became panicked at the thought of having to carry myself, at this current weight, around on crutches should I need surgery. With every step (limp), I was heavily aware (do you like what I did there?) that I was placing unnecessary load on my unstable knee and had been doing so for years. No, the arthritis in my wasn’t caused by being obese, but it has absolutely and undeniably contributed to the swift progression of deterioration in my knee….all of which I was unaware of until 7 weeks ago. 

Now, as an overweight person, I’ve carried two healthy pregnancies. I haven’t ever experienced diabetes, blood pressure issues, high cholesterol, heart conditions, or any other health issues you associate with obesity. I had developed a false sense of security against those common risk factors that didn’t really seem to ever apply to me. I believed that I would eventually develop the desire to lose weight again when I was ready and until then,  I could live fancy free without consequences. 

Well, the consequence for me was the chunk of bone that broke off from the back of my patella that night as I crawled across the lounge, and lodge itself into my knee joint, rendering my incapable of walking properly despite physio and rest. The bone breakage was caused by the progressed arthritis - which is considered grade four (as bad as it gets) – and requires a partial or full knee replacement in the future. 

Would this have occurred despite my weight? Yes. Would it be this extensive if I had been at a healthy weight? No way. Not yet. Not at this age. 

It’s that moment that you wish you could have known this would happen 20 years ago. That moment you truly regret so many of your choices in life. And what for? Some more cake? 

I am reminded of my four year old who currently believes that just because she wants something, she has rights to it. That’s what I was like. I had the desire, the money, and the means to see it through. What a shame a healthy body wasn’t what I desired all along. What a shame my desires were solely based on food and alcohol, and I was so clever I was able to convince myself that I could do whatever I wanted without consequence. 

Its amazing what a real life health issue can do to adjust your view of the world. Our dream future includes holidays, camping, gardening, generally living a fun family life. None of that includes me in a zimmer frame at 50. The thought of my healthy husband having to medically care for me in our retirement because of my poor choices in my youth depresses me. I want to travel the world. I want to travel Australia. This week I can’t even walk into my daughters school to pick her up. 

The reality of how different my life may be now due to this knee issue has given me a swift kick to my (large) behind. It’s been a rude awakening, and I am ever grateful it is not a terminal diagnosis or more serious issue. But still, it’s pretty damn serious for me. 

I sit here writing from my lounge, a week post-arthroscopy. The surgeon took that nasty chunk out of my knee and I am recovering well. I’ve got a lot of work to do to get my life back on track – to the path I want it to follow, to the future we desire and deserve. I don’t intend to roll over and let this be a diagnosis of early-onset old age. 

I know I can lose the weight, that’s a given. My hardest challenge will be keeping it off and not returning to old habits. In a way, I am grateful for genuine and real inspiration my knee has given me. Nothing like the risk of life becoming a far cry from what you hope it to be to bring on true desire and action. 

So if you see me around and wonder if I have lost weight. Yes I have. And will continue to do so until its all gone, and I will continue to take steps for the rest of my life to keep it off. It’s not about looks, vanity, body image or confidence. I have a healthy level of confidence already. Its about necessity, health, and our future.

Don’t wait for this moment in your life when it’s too late and the damage has already been done. Don’t change your future to be crapper than it should be because you had one too many. Don’t let your over-indulgence create an environment of irreparable results in your body.  Consume less. Drink less. Enjoy more of your life with longevity in your physical capability. 

And support the heck out of me in this. I need your love, your unwavering devotion and commitment to seeing me be my best, despite my brave face. I thought my best was purely an mental/emotional thing. I was wrong. I am humbled. And I am ready.

Let's hope I don't have to be back in surgery again too soon.

Ciao for now, 

LG - Life's Gigantic

Dear Woman of 2017

Dear Woman of 2017,

Try everyday to be better than you were yesterday. Correct all your faults; oh, did you amend the ones others might see too? Ensure you are self-reflecting and intelligent, and always use it to be submissive, demure, feminine and pleasing to others. Your insecurities are your best asset, valued highly in society, marketing and culture. Let your opinion be known regularly on social media and use your dinner dates to admire your man, there's value in his every word. 

You'll be taken seriously with a male at your side. Your gay persuasion is super hot, can he join in? Being maternal is your entire purpose for existence. Your husband can have it all: parenthood, career, relationship, hobbies, positive mental health, amazing post-baby body!

Bring your A-game to the table. You are ready to be brash and bossy, now you are the one wearing the pants in this room. Be confident in your dress as you are leered at. Be a slut in the bedroom and a minister's wife in public. Someone has to be kind and thoughtful...you. Use your actively listening skills to provide a sounding board for others to complain. Blow your credit card regularly - it's so cute when you have nothing to your name. Its critical to be aesthetically pleasing to everyone else. 

Apologise regularly. Analyse your every word, emotion and reaction. You deserve everything you get. Be apathetic and understanding towards arseholes; they don't know any better. Use your voice to scream for your rights in an online poll. Discuss matters of the heart with similarly-minded girlfriends. Loosen up for once! You're having another wine?

Enjoy your workout, the MumBod doesn't exist as a celebrated and accepted physique yet. Decrease office distraction by ensuring your panty line is not showing. Comfort is in blending in. Your personality is highly regarded when laughing at jokes, even more so if its at your own expense. Stay fit, your weight is an indicator of your happiness, history and worth. 

Enjoy ample 'me time', in well-lit public spaces full of people during the day. Members of your community will support your safety when you are dressed modestly. Your vagina needs a pounding, challenge accepted. Take your matters of abuse before the courts for humiliation, judgement and ineffective action - your dirty laundry is now clean until you bleed again. 

Be revered, your disgusting menstrual cycle is an honour. Be grateful your man is not taxed per month for his ability to ejaculate. Cherish and protect the secret of your lost baby forever. Be gentle with your husband, your asking for assistance is irritating. Expecting involvement is suggesting mind-reading capabilities. Be capable and practical to contribute to society. There is nothing sexier than a damsel in distress. Accept your failings humbly, share your success widely. Dream regularly of Prince Charming. Relish in double standards, women are from Venus after all. Support rights for men, women have already come so far.

Learn more. Do more. Have more. Accept all.

But don't be better...they might feel emasculated. 

Ciao for now, 

LG - Life's good (except for all the above bullshit I'm sick of).

The Day My Daughter Taught Me How To Deal With Assholes.....

At what point does turning the other cheek end up in abuse?

Before I launch, I know I am walking a thin sliver of thread between identifying behaviours we allow others to use against us, and being known as a victim blamer. This post is simply my own limited view based on my own experiences and that which I've seen in the schools of my children. My opinion on this matter has developed progressively as we have navigated what we see to be a fair, loving and expressive household in which we try to instill lessons for our children to develop their values and boundaries. 

As I sent my oldest off to kindergarten this year, ready for life's challenges and the independence that comes with it, I sobbed my heart out. Seriously, I could hardly talk. I spent the week leading up to the big day crying myself to sleep. The finality of the moment was so enormous, to immense to grasp...that part of our lives with her as a pre-school child was over. She was now 1/3 of her way to adulthood, and this was a massive step towards her spreading her wings. My mind raced with heavy thoughts, weighing me down with the emotion of it all. Did I cherish my time with her enough? Did I give her what she needed from me to make it through this next phase? Did I love her enough? Did I spent enough quality time with her? Did I put her in front of the TV too long when I could have been connecting with her? Have I done enough? Did I love her enough? Did I appreciate the time enough? Am I enough? Was it all enough? Will she be okay?

I realised with a jolt that none of that mattered now anyway, because it was over. It came with acceptance that I had simply done my best. We were now moving forward with life, getting dragged along at a great pace into our next chapter of life as parents of a school child! And then, before I could even put my sadness to bed, a new wave smashed over me with concerns about the friends she would make, how soon her heart would be broken, how long it would take to get used to home work, how she would adjust to the exhaustion. I found myself dying to hear how her day was, seeking out information from her as actively as she would allow in order for me to satisfy myself that she was going to be okay. I think I failed to remember that while she had once been a shy, tentative and sensitive toddler, she had changed into a bold, assertive, friendly, mature and logical kindergarten kid. I actually had nothing to worry about.

One afternoon during a school debrief session, she told me how she had a disagreement with a friend and wasn't happy with the behaviour her friend had demonstrate after the difference of opinion, it wasn't in line with how my daughter thought you should treat a friend. My daughter told me she was very upset initially but had decided to resolve the situation by talking with her friend. She told me she explained to her buddy that if she continued to behave rudely to her, she wouldn't like to spend time together anymore as friends normally treated each other with kindness and respect, not rudeness. And that if that's the kind of friend she was going to be, my daughter wasn't sure she wanted to be involved. I should say the following day they resolved their differences and continue to be great buddies (kids have tough days). So rest easy, no kindergarten children have been cut off in the making of this story.  

After she told me this story, I was both consumed by ridiculous pride, and concerned by her harsh boundaries. I come from strong Christian roots in which we are taught to offer the other cheek, to forgive readily and to love all. So we discussed allowing for others to have days when they are tired, upset, cranky and emotional, and that is important to extend grace to others as we hope to receive it in those same moments. 

But more than all of that, I respected the heck out of what she did. Firstly, she expressed her expectations and emotions with words, she negotiated a solution with a positive outcome for both, and laid out her needs. The easy option is to accept the behaviour in the hope of keeping a friend. But what my 5yr old taught me that day was a lesson I wish I had learnt when I was her age...that you don't actually have any obligation to spend your free time with people who treat you like they don't like you. And why would you? It seems so simple. 

Imagine, just imagine, if that understanding of the world continues throughout the rest of her life. Imagine if she continues to choose friends who treat her as friends should, that she chooses partners who treat her with respect and equality, that she demands how she will be treated by others, or she will leave them behind.

Give me a moment to explore this.

What if we had all started out like my daughter. What if our need to be respected was greater than our need to replace our loneliness. What if our optimistic five year old hearts had realised, way back in the beginning, that the playground was FULL of potential friends, and that friends are not restricted by classroom walls or age brackets. What if we all called it as we saw it, in the moment it happened, to name the behaviour as unacceptable and to outline boundaries of fair play, equality and respect for each other. And to honestly know that without those values, it isn't actually a friendship. 

It's an abusive relationship. 

Think about your school years, your teenage angst, your heartbreak, your relationships, your family, your boss, your workmates, your friends, your partner. How much of those traumas and that destruction related to your choice to chase connections with people who treated your poorly? How often have you been drawn down a devastating path because you sought the love, affection or acceptance of someone who didn't even SEE you? How much did you accept that went against everything you believed? How desperate did you become in your search of acknowledgement? How much of yourself did you lose? And what did you allow?

When we value the other person higher than ourselves, when their desires and needs become more important. When you lower your expectations, when you disregard your own needs to be treated as an equal human being, your aren't in a friendship anymore. 

And at which point do we draw the line between being 'Jesus like' and turning the other cheek, and accepting abusive behaviour. Must we continue to forgive with each and every apology, or can we finally acknowledge that enough is enough. When is it okay to draw the line? 

This is not simply (or very complex!) a question to deal with as adults. We all know enough, and ultimately should know better. But more importantly, I ask 'what do we teach our children?' Does it make you uncomfortable to have a five year old making this demand of respect? My daughter told me this morning that her teacher had said to the class 'Everyone has to be friends with everyone at school'...to which I replied 'it is your responsibility to pick your friends, you are to be kind and respectful to everyone, but you choose who you want to spend your time with. No one can choose that for you.'

It made me realise how early its bred into society, this notion of staying sweet, putting up with it all, because here, in this place, 'we are all friends'. Regardless of anything. It's like that child that demands you share the thing you have, just because they want it. It's not actually how the world works. I don't buy it or appreciate it at all. Because while I will always behave respectfully and politely towards jerks and assholes, I will not include them in my chosen circle of friends. Why should we expect our children to do so. 

Think about it. Why would we want to teach our kids that there are no consequences for poor behaviour in social circles? Not only may this result in them having a lack of boundaries in their behaviour and a misplaced sense of entitlement but also lead to a disenchantment towards making a stand against unacceptable behaviour. What message does this send? If everyone is friends no matter what, then no one really cares if you are treated poorly or not. That you aren't allowed to demand respect and choose your friends, because you might upset someone? 

As I considered the ramifications of my daughters hard line on friendship behaviour, I became concerned that she would end up with no friends. But as I mulled over that a little while longer, I came to realise that was my fear, not hers. That she was making friends all over the playground at school and while she didn't have a bestie at school, she has made and continued many friendships of her own choosing. And that it is ultimately her world to navigate however she chooses (within reason). 

So while my internal pressure to preach endless forgiveness reigns, I deliberately choose to continue our family party line of 'choose your friends based on how they treat you'. I'd much prefer my girls to continue into the big wide world of schools, social circles and relationships with this mentality in mind. 

I will always teach my girls to be brave, to demand respect, to express themselves effectively and be problem solvers. We will always demand their kindness, respect and politeness to everyone they meet, and we teach them compassion and empathy. But I will not teach them to turn an endless cheek. In fact, I will actively teach them the opposite. I will teach them that while we must allow for people to make mistakes and have bad days as we will, people's behaviour speaks louder than words. And despite popular opinion, we don't have to put up with anything, the choice is ours.   

Because what we teach them at the age of five will likely contribute to the foundations of self-respect for the rest of their lives. 

Ciao for now, 

LG - Life's Great!