When I was cast in Godspell as one of five women, and of only ten actors on stage, I went through several significant emotional shifts. The first was absolute elation! I was dying to see who the rest of the cast was, and I was thrilled to be gifted my very first singing role in a show! I not only had got into a show after such a long time away from the stage, but I had landed a part! I was one of the leads! I bought 2 bottles of champagne on my way home in my enthusiasm to celebrate!!!
I repeated the words of the Director in my head, over and over again. "We would like you to play the part of Uzo, though you will be known as Lauren, and we would like you to sing By My Side. We think you will be amazing."
A few days later, the full cast was announced and I found out the other members of my group of ten who I would be embarking on this journey with. At that point in time, I became a little dumbstruck. Several of these people I seen perform in leading roles around town in the past few years... and they were bloody AMAZING! I became a little unhinged at the thought of how I would compare, they all had such incredible voices, acting ability and dance experience. They, each and everyone of them, were triple threats!
I was, by far, the least experienced of this cast. I was, by far, the least known in the cast. And I was, by far, the largest in the cast.
For everyone who sees my confidence, I need you to know I work diligently and thoroughly to maintain it. I had to consciously cast my insecurities aside as they tried to sneak in and intimidate me. They wanted a token fat chick. They didn't have anyone else audition for this role. Everyone else auditioned for We Will Rock You so they scraped the barrel. You won't be able to keep up. You will be embarrassed. You are not in their league. And so on.
I got sick of hearing all that crap, and chose instead to bolster my bravado with the belief in my selection by the production team. I was selected because they wanted me. That is it. I didn't need to know anymore than that, only that for WHATEVER reason, they saw the role of Uzo (now Lauren) in me and my audition performance, and I have brought my A game to the table during rehearsals and promotion.
It is a wonderful thing being celebrated for being yourself. We are constantly nourishing the endless pushing of perceived inadequacies to the top of our-self awareness list. We are expected to be fixing ourselves, improving ourselves, being better than you are. How refreshing that my role came with no provisos, no 'but's, and no 'should's. Just purely, me fitting into the role as they saw I would.
It didn't escape me as I went into the rehearsal period for this show that it is SUPER physical. When I say that, I am not just talking about the dancing. I am talking about acting out all the parables we share and story telling we do. We crawl, fall, clamber, run, skip, jump, kneel, roll, writhe and die on stage immeasurably. I have been harbouring a small and unwanted voice in the back of my head that whispers "are you sure you are able to do all of this? You're fatter than the rest, and quite unfit."
But you know what? Despite, or perhaps not despite but in addition to, my sizable 'attributes', I am doing it. I'm doing it, and I am practising hard at home, and I am going over and over and over the bits that are harder for me SO I CAN pull it off.
I'll be entirely honest with you. I haven't moved as much in the past few years as I have in the show. It's been exhilarating and liberating! And I feel great!
With so much focus in our society being pointed towards visual appeal, I am trying to teach my girls about capability and strength. And I am showing them, right in front of their very eyes, that capability is not solely focused on size.
I'm not as fit as I need to be. My arthritic knees are not the centre of my focus at the moment. And I have a full understanding that everything I have achieved in this show would have been so much easier if I wasn't carrying round as many 'bags of oranges' as I am. My feet hurt, my knees get stiff, and my body takes a hit every now and then as I collapse on the stage at various points throughout. But I am still doing it. I am capable. My body is working.
Depending on your life values, perhaps I may not be as pleasing to the eye as others on stage. Perhaps I don't move as quick and dance as snappy. But I give a bloody good performance and I take great pride in bringing you my best each time you see it. You will see me for me.
Because, even if I am bigger than everyone else, even if I am inexperienced, even if I am feeling a little overwhelmed at times, you will not find me feeling ashamed to be the biggest on stage. When you come along, you will see so many of my faces throughout the show. So many emotions, characters, positions, dances, songs and smiles. You will find me in all my glory, tanned from Vietnam and happy as hell. I am beautiful. And I am talented. And I belong in this amazing group of actors and singers who all bring their amazing identities and individuality to this show to make it a whole.
That is my true purpose here. To be a Lauren-sized part of the community we create in this show. To just be me.
How absolutely inspiring.
Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Godspell
www.theq.net.au for tickets!
