I began a journey of life changing proportions 8 weeks ago. Well actually, it's a journey I began long before then. I actually feel like I began this journey a few years ago now when I woke up one day and wanted to take up my (very fit and encouraging) sister's offer to exercise with me. We began boxing together and it was with her that I realised I was capable of doing more than I gave myself credit for. She pushed me outside the limits I had put on myself, within reasonable expectations for a person who hadn't moved in years.
And it was then I started to run. Initially, when Jane wanted me to run from here to that tree and back again, I told her no, got the shits and asked her not to ask me to run again. Chucked a real little tanty. Didn't she realise I had fallen down the stair the previous year and therefore my ankle was screwed and I could never run on it because it would buckle under my weight and I would end up on crutches for another hellish 8 weeks!? But after a few weeks, she convinced me to run just over to that tree and back again. And I did it. Then we went to that corner just a little further away. Eventually we ran 3 times that distance (which was still probably only 100m!). And later that year we ran together on the beach (for maybe 100m!), and I felt elated. And I have worked hard to get that feeling back again.
When I completed my first 1km time trial for the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation I felt this same sense of wonder at my own ability, and at my complete underestimation of capability. And as I have worked through the past 8 weeks there have been several other proud moments where I have excelled, much to my delight.
But what about on the days you don't see the results? On the days when you don't want to drag your arse out of bed in -4 degree temps at 5.30am. When you are denying yourself foods you love (even though you know they aren't good for you) and are just trying, trying, trying all the time to make the right choice. When you can't just come home and sit on the lounge in the evening, because you have to get everything ready for tomorrow morning, because you know once you do your workout and have your shower, you have 45 minutes to get dressed, and get Lucy to daycare so you can get to work on time (just!).
As you can tell, I'm not feeling so elated at the moment. I have come to a point in the program where I am really struggling to keep up the same level of organisation, of commitment and of course motivation. In fact, one might say that this week I resent the program. WHAT!? But I have just lost 10kg on this wondrous program, improved my fitness beyond all expectations and am loving the food right? Right to all those things.
But I have sunk into a (reluctant) realisation that I don't intend to finish this program in 4 more weeks. In fact, I don't intend to stop it ever. And to be honest, I am pissed off about that! It needs to happen, I need to change my life, and I know this. But I'm mad about it. Because that means I will now become a morning exerciser who works out at 5.30am every morning for the rest of my life. And I don't like that thought even a little bit. I have tried other times of the day and it simply doesn't work. If I don't get it down first thing, too many excuses start sneaking in, and I will find a reason not to do it. It means I need to be so organised every evening, and rushed every morning. It means I will forever be spending time on the weekends cooking up some freezer meals for emergency nights. And this week, that all seems really overwhelming.
Because this week, I am a single mother (Greg is at snow for a prior planned holiday for 6 days) with a very sick child who won't do anything but sit on my lap all day long and cry most of the night, and let me tell you there has been no organisation, exercise or proper eating this week. I have reverted to the earlier days of grabbing snacks from the fridge/cupboard where I can and sleeping at any chance I can get. And interestingly I am okay with this lapse in concentration, because it is not for the normal reason of wanting an excuse. It is simply a shit week that happens in life every now and again. This isn't the point where previously I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and announce that this program isn't working for me, that it's too hard, and that it is unrealistic. Jane gave me some excellent advice earlier in the week that went like this..."No worries, just don't make a habit of it!"
Because the truth of the matter is that I actually love this program. I love that it expects a huge amount from me. That I am constantly learning to be disciplined, organised, consistent and strong in body and mind. This is just the point where I have a shit week. I am surviving this week, not powering through. I can have another awesome week, awesome fitness test, awesome weigh in and awesome super Saturday session next week.
Because this journey for me does not end at the end of this round of 12 weeks, nor probably the next 12 weeks. Because I need to loose 43% of my body weight to be within my healthy BMI weight range. And that isn't going to happen overnight. I'm delighted to say I have lost 9% so far, and that I have accepted it is a long road to travel to achieve what I really want. And not to settle for less than that.
The internal struggle is changing all the time. And writing this blog has made me realise I am exactly where I should be. This week is a test, and while I haven't succeeded in food or exercise, I am pleased and surprised to report that it hasn't knocked me for six this time. And it hasn't derailed me. In fact, I'm delighted that I feel this way and that I am keen to get back into the running program and feeling that soreness of hard work.
Motivation is hard to maintain when on such a long journey. But I was let in on a little secret the other day from my awesome personal trainer... Michelle Bridges. She reckons you don't need to be loving it all the time. You just have to shut up and do it, regardless of your emotions. And what a friggin relief! I was worried I wasn't going to be able to succeed at my long journey because at the moment, it is all hard. Less enjoyable, now it has become a lifetime reality. For the moment. But that will rise again, and fall again, as our emotions do. So I am learning to disassociate my training from my emotions and just accept that almost every time I am going to be climbing out of bed cranky, because I have to train. I doubt there will ever come I time when that alarm goes off and I bounce up and say 'awesome! It's work out time!' But I always come in after my workout knowing I have done a good thing for myself today. That I'll sleep well tonight. That I will be stronger tomorrow because I did it. And I will be able to run further next time than ever before.
So the face I put on for you tonight is the most honest one I have. I am having great success with this excellent program. It is bloody hard work. I have to work very hard to keep organised, making sure I have the right food available at the right time and my workout gear and work clothes organised for the following day. And I am tired and sore ALL THE TIME! But it is a good sore. As opposed to the soreness I used to feel in my joints from sitting and doing nothing.
I'm not writing this as a request for encouragement, but simply to say that it is a long and difficult journey to change your life-long habits, both mentally and physically. Those changes are occuring because I am working hard at achieving them and I am proud of myself and would recommend this excellent program to anyone who has the balls to give it their best shot.
This is what I looked like when I became pregnant with Lucy. I will be half that size by the beginning of the next pregnancy.
Ciao for now,
LG, Life's Great!
