Strive for perfection if you must, just make sure your goals are what you need them to be…
Earlier this year, after dabbling in some amateur cake making, my brother asked if I might make him a cake for his 30th birthday celebration, to which I of course agreed. He gave me plenty of notice and I set to work researching, youtubing, and spending on all things cake related. I was excited by the challenge! I developed a theme for his cake, being a carpenter’s cake, and let my creative mind run wild. (Well, that’s not entirely true, I actually copied it all off a cake design I saw a picture of in Google Images). I hadn’t completed any cake decorating courses and all my cake related knowledge was from my sister’s shared experience and the internet. I marbled colours into woodgrained icing. I carved a hammer, nails and a ruler from gum paste and I created a stencil to cut out a circular saw….all edible. I perfected these tools several times before I arrived at the final product and once I was there, I knew I had arrived and I was chuffed. I obsessed about it, and created an awesome, professional looking masterpiece. It took self-education, money and so much time. But it was a labour of love for my brother’s special birthday….a gift to him. I wanted it to be super special. On the day, it blew his mind away. In other words, I nailed it….like a carpenter.
When I last did this eating plan, which is my optimal choice of weight reduction management, I did the same thing. For 23 weeks, I did not deviate from the plan once. Everything I ate was purposeful, deliberate, and nutritious. I ate at the right time, I ate the right amount, I ate the right food. I did not falter once in that 5 months. And I reaped the rewards of my determination – 40kg melted off me easily. I looked and felt amazing. My skin was clear, my knees no longer hurt, my energy levels were high and I was the happiest I had been in so long.
But in the back of my mind was this obsession with perfectionism. Not perfectionism in a clean house, not perfectionism in my appearance, or my children’s behavior, but perfectionism in my commitment. It had to be all or nothing. Because if I fell off the wagon at any point, I knew I would struggle to get back on. Because all is lost, right? If I stuff it up once, I was just as powerless to those old habits as I ever was. If I fall from my path of perfection, I am no better than I was in the beginning.
Had it been perfectionism in the end result, that would have been a different story. Had I been focused on getting to the ‘perfect’ healthy BMI, instead of focused on being perfect in the journey, perhaps my fall wouldn’t have been so dramatic. But I was focused slightly off center, on my performance rather than the results. Unlike the cake, where I tried and tried again, and mastered each stage and moved past many failings to achieve the result I was happy with in the end, I had set myself up to fail. Because while 5 months of perfect eating was incredible and awesome, at some point I was going to waiver. I was, after all, at that point because of lifelong habits.
And that’s exactly what happened. Eventually, one day I let one person’s negative comments undo me. I let that person’s words become the excuse I wanted in that moment, and I held onto those words and mulled over them and let them corrode me. And I fell.
My fall was from a great height. On the way down, I hit every bump without cushion.
I’m no longer perfect at this.
I can’t say I have this sorted anymore.
I have ruined this. Again.
This is no different than every other time.
Why did I believe those thoughtless words instead of believing in myself?
Why don’t I have enough self-respect to disregard this moment?
Maybe I am better off being my normal (obese) self.
Why bother. I can’t do it anyway.
I thought I had it covered, but I was really just pretending to be someone else.
Here we go again.
Fuck it all.
And low and behold, those thoughts took hold of me and I believed them. Every single one of them. I believed I didn’t deserve my hard work and didn’t deserve to be thin. I convinced myself so thoroughly that I might as well just accept myself as I am that I returned to my old weight and did nothing to stop that process. In fact, I was a perfectionist at returning to my base point. I achieved that and have been here for several years now.
I remember almost two years ago, sitting around the campfire on new years eve with one of my best friends, telling her my resolution for 2016 was to get through the year without putting myself on a diet. Without focusing my life on food, on right and wrong, just focusing on trying to live like a ‘normal’ person (whatever that is). I explained I was sick of eternally struggling to be something I wasn’t, and sick of yoyo dieting and the toll it was taking on both my body and my mind.
And I did it. The one and only new years resolution I've completed! I stuck to my plan of doing nothing that year. And slowly but surely, I learnt something. I realized I have spent years projecting what you are all thinking, the judgements and internal comments you may have made about my weight and my life. And I realized, these thoughts are all my own. Everything I thought you were thinking or worried you were saying behind my back, that paranoia is all my own. I own those thoughts. I know the truth to them. That’s why they are in my head. And slowly, as I acknowledged them, they became less powerful. And I stopped obsessing about the rest of the world and starting listening to me. When I went out to dinner, I made my choice based on what I wanted to eat, not what I should be eating. I chose how much to drink based on my own desired, not based on what you might think is right. I chose how much exercise to do (none) and didn’t think about how much you thought I should be doing. And while it was an over-indulgent and extremely unhealthy time in my life full of disregard, I developed a freedom from those voices in my head. I taught myself to listen to the voice that matters, (mine) and to pause the endless assumptions I was making on everyone’s behalf.
Why is any of this a good thing you ask? Why do we want to quieten the voices that guide us to better living? We don’t. Here me out.
While those voices in my mind that I thought were your judgements slowly disappeared with my acceptance, I discovered my own voice. My inner voice that was screaming from behind the façade of paranoia ‘DO SOMETHING’! My subconscious was clearly working in an unhelpful manner to draw attention to the issues, but it wasn’t what I needed. I needed to stop blaming everyone else for their judgement and start owning my own feelings, my own desires, my own encouragement…my own judgement of myself and my behavior.
So finally, after ignoring that voice for as long as I could, I was catapulted into this journey as a result of an injury to my knee. Wait, what?!
Even after I discovered my own voice urging me to better health, I still didn’t make the required changes to improve my life? Nope. Because that’s what I did. I ate at all cost. I knew what to do. I had the tools to do it. I am an intelligent, educated and resourceful human. Yet, I chose deliberately to do the very thing that I knew would make it harder. I ate. Sometimes I drank well past the point of excess. Even when I knew it wasn’t good for me.
I was a perfect addict. I wanted it so I went out and got it. I spent money on it, prioritized my time for it. I even lied about it at some points in my life. I traded off good parts of my life, my capability, my wardrobe and my confidence for it. I perfected the art of eating too much of the wrong type of food. And I hurt myself in the process.
So now, as I turn my attention towards rectifying this situation and improving the outcome for my knees and my future, I have to point my desire for perfectionism where it belongs. Because my commitment on this journey to a BMI that is within the healthy range is not subject to a fall off the wagon. It will not be derailed with thoughts of my journey being completely ruined. I will point the perfectionism at my goal, at a long-lasting, focused approach to the eventual arrival, of being more on task than off.
Because this time around, I don’t plan for perfection in the diet, that is what undid me before. I plan for life, I plan for choices, I plan for focus and results through consistency and reality, and mostly I plan to enjoy this journey as I discover more and heal myself through increased awareness and forgiveness of unrealistic expectations. I plan for the end result. I plan to nail this journey and be a masterpiece of my own creation through hard work, determination and returning to the end game focus time and time again.
I still have perfectionism in mind it's in my nature, but its tempered on being the best me. Not the fittest, skinniest, youngest, prettiest. Just the best version of me I can be. Which includes but is not limited to, my healthy body. So I will research, I will spend money and I will invest so much time, and I will try and try again and I will not rest until I am satisfied my result is the best I can achieve. A masterpiece.
So, gift yourself a labour of love. I don't mean bake yourself a cake. I mean make the masterpiece you need to make to know you've arrived at your best. Spend the required time, effort and money on that thing you keep thinking about.
Why wait any longer? As we both now know, your knees could fall apart if you wait much longer!
Because it’s true. When you place effort and energy into a task, you really can achieve anything. You can nail it! (Get it?)
Ciao for now,
LG- Life's Great
P.S My new favourite song applies.... be inspired: https://youtu.be/rGlEZpOVjGo
#imaginedragons
