Life Will Never Be The Same Again............
To be naive is to hold an innocence in your heart. An innocence that comes from a place of protection. A place of trust. A place of stability and understanding. An understanding that life happens in a certain way, that most people experience a normal, non-traumatic existence with minimal true hardship along the way. That is the norm for most people.
But not for everyone. Some people experience true tragedy in their life, that shocks them to
the core. The kind that can isolate them from their families and friends, and stands
them in a new 'group' of people.....a group no one ever expects to be a
part of. This group are the people who have a new understanding of life.
This group are those who can never return to the previous innocence
they held....just minutes before. All of a sudden, the people in this
group become the ones who cannot unsee the horrors they have seen.
They cannot unhear the noises, they cannot remove the smell from their
sensory memory, they cannot look at the clock at that particular time of
the day without being transported to another time. A time they will never
forget.
I remember attending my first funeral for a friend, who passed away
during my high school years in a car accident. I remember the agony, the
tearing of my heart and the inconsolable state I existed in for several
days. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced, in my whole 15
years of life. I hadn't grieved for a friend before, I hadn't known
anyone to be taken so suddenly and so shockingly, it felt like my
understanding of the world had been corrupted. Because up until then,
car accidents and youth deaths were things that occurred in other towns,
in other groups, to other people. I went to his viewing at the funeral home. I looked upon his peaceful, makeup covered face and kissed his cold cheek. I will never forget that moment. From then on, I was changed. I no longer thought that things only happened to others. I was well aware these things could happen to me and my loved ones at any point in time. But even this, still felt as though it had happened to others, while I was watching them live through it from the outside.
Time has frozen several times during my life, in moments like these. But I became a part of this group of people who cannot unsee, when I witnessed first hand the grief of parents holding their child as he passed away in their loving embrace. A child I desperately loved too. I miss him, and I wish every time I think of him that life had been different. That he had been spared and that we hadn't seen what we did that day. And I can't even go into any detail regarding this moment in time, because no words will ever do that day justice. No amount of words will explain the pain, the raw and open emotion, the strength of a family rallying for support and love, the moment knowing the journey to Heaven was complete.
I thank God every day that he was surrounded by love, and I hope he knew and felt that. I thank God I looked upon his face, committed it to memory and whispered of my love for him. Seeing/hearing/feeling the soul destroying agony was worth one moment in time that froze completely still. That moment will forever be one of the most cherished moments in my life, and I would never ever trade it for a sliding doors option of not being there.
From that moment on, my life changed. My heart hardened. I suddenly understood more about life than ever before. I understood the reality of death. I understood true heart break. I understood how grief can consume you for a very long time. I understood there exists a beauty and calmness in the most distressing of situations.
But still, I was spared. For while I loved him, he was not mine. He didn't belong to me, and the story doesn't belong to me.
And neither does the story of a tiny man, who was cherished by his parents, by his family, by friends. Who arrived a long time before he was due. And who grew his angel wings and left this earth before anyone could even celebrate his arrival.
A tiny man whose parents cannot unsee, unhear, or unexperience what they have been through, a situation that normally happens to 'other people'.
All of a sudden, they belonged to a new group. A group I cannot assume to understand. A group of people who have seen the worst things life can offer. Who have felt agony like many will never feel. Who cannot return to an innocence many of us take for granted. They have been changed forever.
And I have no words. Nothing I verbalise equates to the injustice, rage, shock, heartbreak and true sadness I feel for them.
And nothing will make a difference. Because what has happened cannot be unseen.
RIP Thomas. xoxo
Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Ghastly :(
