I can eat, drink and live however I want because I am proud of who I am and my size doesn’t define me….until it did.
This blog page has been a therapeutic source of support for me over the years as I have jumped on and off the weight loss bandwagon. I have raged at the world in defiance, believing I should be loved for being me, and not for the size of my jeans. I have learned to accept me. Equally, I have raged at how difficult it was losing weight and challenging I found it emotionally. I have sought medical help, pharmaceutical help, psychological help, I have at times deliberately taken steps to ignore the battle completely and to just be.
But 7 weeks ago when I crawled across my lounge, heard something pop in my knee, and was suddenly facing a different path in life, I realized I had made a massive mistake. Just. Like. That.
Prior to that moment, I was wishing my weight away but not taking any action to enable it to happen. I was feeling a need for action, but resisting it as I have worked so very hard to be okay with being me, it seems counter productive to seek a different way of life. How backwards is that? In my mind, I have worked so hard to believe in my own value (including/despite my obesity), and demand that unconditional love from others, that to admit I needed to change was like admitting I had gotten it all wrong. That I had been pointing my focus in the wrong direction. That I hadn’t been right at all.
Not once would you ever see my look into the mirror and ask ‘does my arse look fat in this’. Firstly, I’m not stupid, I know when my own looks fat. Secondly, because I did not want to pass self-critiquing messages about poor body image to my daughters. And thirdly, because I didn’t actually want to invite that level of criticism into my life from others. It is not for someone else to tell me if my body is acceptable. That is for me and me only to decide.
But when I hurt my knee that day, and in the subsequent weeks it became apparent it wasn’t an issue that was going away (ever), I became panicked at the thought of having to carry myself, at this current weight, around on crutches should I need surgery. With every step (limp), I was heavily aware (do you like what I did there?) that I was placing unnecessary load on my unstable knee and had been doing so for years. No, the arthritis in my wasn’t caused by being obese, but it has absolutely and undeniably contributed to the swift progression of deterioration in my knee….all of which I was unaware of until 7 weeks ago.
Now, as an overweight person, I’ve carried two healthy pregnancies. I haven’t ever experienced diabetes, blood pressure issues, high cholesterol, heart conditions, or any other health issues you associate with obesity. I had developed a false sense of security against those common risk factors that didn’t really seem to ever apply to me. I believed that I would eventually develop the desire to lose weight again when I was ready and until then, I could live fancy free without consequences.
Well, the consequence for me was the chunk of bone that broke off from the back of my patella that night as I crawled across the lounge, and lodge itself into my knee joint, rendering my incapable of walking properly despite physio and rest. The bone breakage was caused by the progressed arthritis - which is considered grade four (as bad as it gets) – and requires a partial or full knee replacement in the future.
Would this have occurred despite my weight? Yes. Would it be this extensive if I had been at a healthy weight? No way. Not yet. Not at this age.
It’s that moment that you wish you could have known this would happen 20 years ago. That moment you truly regret so many of your choices in life. And what for? Some more cake?
I am reminded of my four year old who currently believes that just because she wants something, she has rights to it. That’s what I was like. I had the desire, the money, and the means to see it through. What a shame a healthy body wasn’t what I desired all along. What a shame my desires were solely based on food and alcohol, and I was so clever I was able to convince myself that I could do whatever I wanted without consequence.
Its amazing what a real life health issue can do to adjust your view of the world. Our dream future includes holidays, camping, gardening, generally living a fun family life. None of that includes me in a zimmer frame at 50. The thought of my healthy husband having to medically care for me in our retirement because of my poor choices in my youth depresses me. I want to travel the world. I want to travel Australia. This week I can’t even walk into my daughters school to pick her up.
The reality of how different my life may be now due to this knee issue has given me a swift kick to my (large) behind. It’s been a rude awakening, and I am ever grateful it is not a terminal diagnosis or more serious issue. But still, it’s pretty damn serious for me.
I sit here writing from my lounge, a week post-arthroscopy. The surgeon took that nasty chunk out of my knee and I am recovering well. I’ve got a lot of work to do to get my life back on track – to the path I want it to follow, to the future we desire and deserve. I don’t intend to roll over and let this be a diagnosis of early-onset old age.
I know I can lose the weight, that’s a given. My hardest challenge will be keeping it off and not returning to old habits. In a way, I am grateful for genuine and real inspiration my knee has given me. Nothing like the risk of life becoming a far cry from what you hope it to be to bring on true desire and action.
So if you see me around and wonder if I have lost weight. Yes I have. And will continue to do so until its all gone, and I will continue to take steps for the rest of my life to keep it off. It’s not about looks, vanity, body image or confidence. I have a healthy level of confidence already. Its about necessity, health, and our future.
Don’t wait for this moment in your life when it’s too late and the damage has already been done. Don’t change your future to be crapper than it should be because you had one too many. Don’t let your over-indulgence create an environment of irreparable results in your body. Consume less. Drink less. Enjoy more of your life with longevity in your physical capability.
And support the heck out of me in this. I need your love, your unwavering devotion and commitment to seeing me be my best, despite my brave face. I thought my best was purely an mental/emotional thing. I was wrong. I am humbled. And I am ready.
Let's hope I don't have to be back in surgery again too soon.
Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Gigantic
