I live my life valuing relationships, family, love, connection and friendship as the most important things to me. And I throw myself into such connections with gusto more often than not. I share and they share. I divulge secrets, and they do too. I develop genuine, deep and lasting bonds with people. It is what I think life is all about.
And it is in these connections that I feel such a sense of ownership of these people. I feel a sense of belonging, a sense of togetherness in life. We share our triumphs and joys, our fears and heartbreaks. And of course, we share our embarrassment, our anxiety and our health woes.
I feel as though I am along for the ride in your lives, feeling a whole bunch of emotions that I imagined you were feeling yourself. Anger on your behalf for an argument I wasn't involved in, feeling loved by an individual I'd only heard about, feeling a sense of unease when you were worried. I'm terribly empathetic. I consider it my downfall actually. I get way too invested in stuff that has nothing to do with me. I get emotional about issues that you will resolve without me, and I get passionate about things I know nothing about. Empathy is me in a nutshell.
Well, it used to be.
I've noticed over the years that I've begun to let less and less into my inner core. I'm happy for you but I am no longer shouting your news from the roof tops. I am annoyed for you, but I am no longer raging against the injustices in your life. I am amused by you, but no longer chuckling for hours afterwards and sharing funny moment with everyone I see.
Perhaps, in my role as your watcher, I am starting to understand that it's actually your life and I don't need to be entirely consumed anymore. I don't need to feel all of your emotions as well as my own. I am starting to relax into my own life, knowing I have my own emotions to walk through, my own situations to deal with, my own self to consider.
Perhaps.
Or perhaps it is because in my role as your watcher, I have now seen a great deal of 'life' that has chipped away at my perspective and corroded my view of the world. Have I entered a stage of self preservation? Where suddenly, things have become so sad that I can no longer let them in?
Or, more to my concern, is it actually that I have become hardened against 'life' and all it's joys and sadnesses? I have seen some amazing things in my time. My best friend gave birth right in front of my 19yr old eyes. I myself have given birth to two children. I met the love of my life when I was young, and we married to grow up together. I still adore him. I have witnessed many happy moments, of weddings, children, laughter and success and sweet faith.
And I have also seen some absolutely horrendous, heart tearing moments too, both with my own eyes, and through you, as your watcher. Marriages breaking down. The unjust and tragic time in which our precious nephew passed away. The traumatic accident that took our mate who had three young children, and that bloody killer breast cancer, that took our beautiful friend away before we got enough time with her. The leukaemia that struck down the miracle child who was gifted after such a difficult struggle, and put her parents through more than they thought they could bare. As your watcher, I've seen you lose your unborn child and have to endure a childbirth, after which you couldn't take him home. I watched you hold your aunty as your uncle passed away, and stay by her side all night. I watched you care for your father whilst trying to care for yourself and your newborn, being told that your Dad wouldn't survive the night, whilst you recovered from surgery and endured endless complications. I saw you, after you had seen your father who took his own life, and i watch on with love and compassion as your own depression continues circles you. I watched you go through the trauma of a terrifying birth experience, and be affected by the fear and flashbacks afterwards. I watched on as your first born went from healthy one day to terminal the next, and attended his funeral last month as we reflected on him being the first of the babies in that friendship group. And I see you. Having said goodbye yet again to your dreams and having to yet again readjust your future plans after having it all stolen away. Again, after such trauma, heartbreak, and utter devastation already colouring your past.
Your heartbreak used to be my heart break. I used to feel it all for you as best I could, to try and understand what you were going through, what you needed, how you might be processing. But I realised, over time and with an ever developing maturity, that I don't need to understand it at all. Firstly, because I can't. And secondly, because all you need from me is my love.
As life goes on and we continue to experience, and watch others experience, the best and the worst of life, the raw sense of emotion has dulled significantly, for both joyous and sad occasions. I feel like my thrilled has become my pleased. And my heartbreak has become my melancholy.
I'm somewhat numb.
I'm not sure if it's a temporary thing. I can't tell if it is simply me taking a step back in the realisation that these things do happen, all the friggin time, to people that i love. People get married, have kids etc. It's all lovely. And people die, lose children, there are accidents. Again, that's life. And the myth about 'it won't happen to me' no longer works on me. Because 'life' seems to be happening all around me to every bloody person I know, every second of the day.
My eyes are open. They have been for a long time now. I've seen a lot, of wonderful and of terrible.
I'm just praying that when my time comes, I have the strength to deal with it as best as I possibly can.
For those who are currently in amongst it, this is for you. You are an inspiration to many, me especially. Your strength has been admirable, and your courage to keep on is bringing us all back to the real world. Which just keeps relentlessly turning every day, without even a pause to allow you a moment to breathe, to catch up, to reflect, to celebrate, to mourn.
And from my place as your watcher, I'm holding your hand, I'm standing on the sidelines, I'm stalking you on Facebook, or I'm thinking of you, and doing the only thing that makes sense in my heart. I'm praying for you. To feel an unexplained sense of love, have the strength to face it all, and feel peace.
Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Gonna be okay
xoxo
