I have tried to achieve the level of cool I see in my friends so many times before....with your funky cool clothes and your love for indie music and all things ABC/Triple J. I have immersed myself in Karnavool and the Hilltop Hoods and even devoted a year of my life to only listening to Robbie, Marique and the Doctor on my way to work. I have had a vested interest in the Hottest 100 by voting my faves in and I have watched Rage on a Saturday morning whilst nursing a hangover many a time.
But my heart rings true for Britney. I love hearing the same songs on the radio all day long! I am a 29yr old Twi-hard who is DYING to see the last installment of Breaking Dawn and I wish I had superpowers and the sexy prowess of the vampire glamours. What can I say? I love pop culture. I am a pop loving, Gossip Girl quoting, secret fan of One Direction who no longer can deny her true desire! To be surrounded by whatever is the happening thing at the time.
So it's no surprise that the first thing that comes to mind as I am deciding what I should do with my evening flying solo is "dammit! I wish I had a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey!!!" I can't have a conversation without it popping in somehow...and if you haven't heard about it you must be living in a seperate universe to the rest of us. Apparently they are referring to this book as 'mummy-porn'! It's supposed to be all kinds of sexy, with whips and chains, and kinkiness to boot! Men all over the world are said to be loving the results.....as their wives close their book at bedtime, place it on the bedside table, leave the light on and say "sweetheart, can you go and find an occy strap or 2 while I slip into something a little more uncomfortable"...wink wink.
But I don't have a copy of that book. And I haven't a husband to tie up tonight so I am found wanting ... for an activity to fill my time!
Of course, I have my precious little Lucy here with me, but she isn't great company tonight as she has already been asleep for 2 hours and probably won't rise again until I am well and truly zonked out in bed. Walking aimlessly around the house this evening (I should say, Greg hasn't even been gone an hour yet!), I have already opened her door and just stood in her room like a stalker mother, breathing in her smell and just knowing that if she is well than most things in my life are too. I spent a good 10 minutes in there just generally being grateful. But I could only do that for so long before she caught on to the weirdo in the room and screamed! Oops!
See, I'm not used to being on my own anymore. Now please don't get me wrong when you read this - I must stop you before you grab the car keys and start heading my way. I don't want a visit. I want to relish this time to myself, when I can do whatever I choose, with no limits. Okay, well there are some limits.... clearly I can't read the book I want to! But you know what I mean. As a part time working mum, loving wife and AWESOME friend, 100% of my time is taken up being with people. And I love that. It is where I draw my energy from. But it does leave me at a loss of what to do with myself on a night like tonight. I'm out of practice with hanging out with myself.
Let me tell you a little secret.... I used to see this as an awesome opportunity to eat crap because I wasn't accountable to anyone. I'd have a night all to myself to eat an entire pizza if I so choose. Plus some icecream. Then some lollies. Then some chocolate. And I could go on! Because, it was the perfect opportunity to sneak in all the crap I shouldn't be eating into one disgustingly gross night! If there was a secret camera in my house I would be able to insert footage here of days gone past when I represented the Biggest Loser contestants in the first episode...feeding their faces full of sweet and fatty foods, all gross and shiny, with drips of oil down their chest. Oh gross...I am making myself sick! You get the idea though right? And no, I'm not exaggerating to be funny. I actually did that.
But tonight I continue to be bored wondering how I will amuse myself because I can't do that anymore. Nor do I want to. Apparently, eating because you are bored isn't a valid reason. And also, eating shit in secret also isn't acceptable. Because the secret eating doesn't result in secret kilos!!! Nope... the little bastards will run a tell-all scoop the next time you try that dress on!!!
I have been on a very steep learning curve for 6 weeks now, participating in the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation. And yes, I have lost some weight. A large amount in some people's eye and a small amount in mine. Not because I am hard on myself, or unsatisfied. In fact, I am very proud of my hard work and the results I have achieved. But because in the perspective of my body 9kg isn't actually that much, whereas 9kg to Greg would see him dramatically transform into a completely different shape. So far, my clothes are baggier, my boobs feel like giant (but half empty) water balloons and my face is looking more defined. I can even see my collarbones sneaking out to say hello! But that is neither here nor there for me.
Because the most exciting change for me is that on a Friday night when I find myself home alone, with the pantry and fridge full of foods (albeit nutritious foods!) and no one to keep me honest, I am here sitting at the computer with a peppermint tea and nothing more. And I won't have anything more. Because I have eating my fill for the day. End of story. I have fueled my body appropriately and I don't need anything more today.
People who are healthy often misunderstand the journey for an overweight person who genuinely desires to become fit and strong. It's nothing to do with the weight, or the way you look. Its all to do with the way you feel, how fast your heart needs to beat when you walk up the stairs, how easy it is to pick up your toddler and carry her around for half the day. To complete your fitness test every 4 weeks with ever improving numbers....To win the fight in your mind about your choices regarding food and exercise...to celebrate the joy in choosing what is right for you.
And just as soon as I made that decision, to dismiss any tempting thoughts from my mind...and wonderful thought popped into my head. "Blogged lately?"
I've missed you. xoxox
Killing a massive workout with my inspiring and ever-encouraging sister Jane!
Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Great!
