Your superpower is words, so choose carefully...

Take care with the words you choose...they matter more than you know. 

Over the past few weeks, I've had a LOT to say about self-belief and standing up for one's passion in life. I've endlessly promoted my beloved Godspell not merely because I'd like to perform to an audience, but because this is something I want people to see for themselves. It's a clever piece of theatre that is the mastermind of Emma White, our fearless Director and we all commit to it with our entire being each and every time we perform it.

I have stated many times before today, but she is actually the very thing that made me decide to audition for Godspell. I knew of Emma, had seen some of her performances, and wanted to work with her. I knew, from the moment I heard she was directing this show, that it would not be 'just another Godspell', and THAT is the thing that got me through the door. That tiny detail is the very turning point that made me rise from my chest infection, shower and get out of my pjs for the first time in days, and put my best foot (voice) forward in the hope she would see a place for me. 

And thank God she did. Because this whole process has been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done (bar finding Greg, marrying him, and having our amazing children). It isn't just another show. It's been a complete 'trust fall' the whole time. 

I'll be honest with you. There have been so many times where I have considered if I would be able to move past my personal levels of discomfort to be everything she needed me to be. But with her clarity of purpose and I have followed her; hook, line and sinker. 

And where Emma has taken me has been absolutely amazing. I have moved so many insecurities out of the way, so I could convincingly deliver the roles she has me playing throughout the various parables. I have had her absolute, unwavering, and unquestionable faith in my ability to booster my confidence, and I have had her ear of understanding and consideration when I haven't understood. 

And I am only one of ten she has fostered in this lovely but firm manner has. She has harnessed a mixture of experienced actors, and newbies, of those who've had many roles and some who are debuting their voices for the first time. No matter our level of experience, she has shared her vision, explained her reasoning and directed us to behaved certain ways that reflect integrity in our scenes during Godspell. 

What we have created, without being cheesy, is a legitimate community of love. These friends I have shared this precious show with are now life-long friends. I have developed a real love and respect for each and everyone of them, and on stage our (initial) acting as a pack of friends who are catching up for a gathering is now real. The affection you see and the friendship we emanate is as real as it can be. And it is so special. 

So you can imagine my distress when we had to weather some really strongly worded reviews that were not only unnecessarily scathing, but also nastily singled out individuals and claimed their opinion as truth. These words were full of contempt. They provided no support for new talent rising, no development opportunities, no grace for a different way of presenting Godspell. Just a blatant attack on everything we have worked so tirelessly and professionally to provide for your viewing pleasure. 

Harsh feedback for individuals who have had to put aside their own insecurities to developed self-belief enough to stand under the lights, with microphones on, singing their hearts out, a moment they have trained the past 3 months to complete. Individuals who in my mind, are so well matched to their parts that I couldn't imagine anyone else completing them. 

As I pondered how to respond to such a rough punch, I realised all I could do was use my words the way they should be used. To build people. To encourage further growth. To urge progression and nourish passion. 

So my beloved cast and crew of Godspell 2018, my #communityoflove, hear this. YOU were chosen. As Director, as Musical Director, as Choreographer, as the Onstage Ensemble and as the Choir. YOU. This was not by chance. It was because you have the skills and passion to complete the task. 

The joy you have experienced throughout the rehearsal period and now the shows must not be impacted by negativity, some people won't like what we've done and that's okay. I know I am not the only one who has experienced the happiness, love and belief. You are all well-matched, excellent at your role, as am I. Do not let one person's rant become your lasting memory of this most incredible time in our lives. Instead, remember why you are doing this. Because you were believed in, and in turn, you believed in Emma. 

What she has created here is a tight, fast-paced show that flows jaggedly yet perfectly from one crazy parable to the next. She has seen a reality that exists in 2018, of friends leaving their technology at home and having conversations, sitting around the fire sharing food and drinks, and an integrity in a communion scene, that yes, includes gluten free biscuits as his body and Coke as his blood, simply because that is what is on our table at that moment. A scene that has been misinterpreted as disrespectful is missing the point. It is actually HIGHLY respectful of Jesus at OUR picnic table, in OUR life at 2018. 

Show me a criticism in which I can grow and change and be better any day and I will use it to rise further. Until then, maybe use your power to support upcoming talent, both on stage and off with productive criticism. Something we can use to improve. Something we can take away and consider, and work on next time, in the next show. Advice that spurs development and growth, and encourages people to continue following their passion, despite the personal cost. 

Godspell 2018 clearly isn't for everyone. See it for yourself!

Tickets at www.theq.net.au/godspell - Last 7 performances between Wed 7 - Sun 11 November 2018.

Ciao for now, LG - Life's Great!

Picture courtesy of Michael Moore Photography. 

Overcoming my internal fat-shaming...to be AMAZING!

When you are the biggest on the stage...and not by way of star ranking, but your butt size.

When I was cast in Godspell as one of five women, and of only ten actors on stage, I went through several significant emotional shifts. The first was absolute elation! I was dying to see who the rest of the cast was, and I was thrilled to be gifted my very first singing role in a show! I not only had got into a show after such a long time away from the stage, but I had landed a part! I was one of the leads! I bought 2 bottles of champagne on my way home in my enthusiasm to celebrate!!!

I repeated the words of the Director in my head, over and over again. "We would like you to play the part of Uzo, though you will be known as Lauren, and we would like you to sing By My Side. We think you will be amazing."

A few days later, the full cast was announced and I found out the other members of my group of ten who I would be embarking on this journey with. At that point in time, I became a little dumbstruck. Several of these people I seen perform in leading roles around town in the past few years... and they were bloody AMAZING! I became a little unhinged at the thought of how I would compare, they all had such incredible voices, acting ability and dance experience. They, each and everyone of them, were triple threats!

I was, by far, the least experienced of this cast. I was, by far, the least known in the cast. And I was, by far, the largest in the cast.

For everyone who sees my confidence, I need you to know I work diligently and thoroughly to maintain it. I had to consciously cast my insecurities aside as they tried to sneak in and intimidate me. They wanted a token fat chick. They didn't have anyone else audition for this role. Everyone else auditioned for We Will Rock You so they scraped the barrel. You won't be able to keep up. You will be embarrassed. You are not in their league. And so on.

I got sick of hearing all that crap, and chose instead to bolster my bravado with the belief in my selection by the production team. I was selected because they wanted me. That is it. I didn't need to know anymore than that, only that for WHATEVER reason, they saw the role of Uzo (now Lauren) in me and my audition performance, and I have brought my A game to the table during rehearsals and promotion.

It is a wonderful thing being celebrated for being yourself. We are constantly nourishing the endless pushing of perceived inadequacies to the top of our-self awareness list. We are expected to be fixing ourselves, improving ourselves, being better than you are. How refreshing that my role came with no provisos, no 'but's, and no 'should's. Just purely, me fitting into the role as they saw I would.

It didn't escape me as I went into the rehearsal period for this show that it is SUPER physical. When I say that, I am not just talking about the dancing. I am talking about acting out all the parables we share and story telling we do. We crawl, fall, clamber, run, skip, jump, kneel, roll, writhe and die on stage immeasurably. I have been harbouring a small and unwanted voice in the back of my head that whispers "are you sure you are able to do all of this? You're fatter than the rest, and quite unfit."

But you know what? Despite, or perhaps not despite but in addition to, my sizable 'attributes', I am doing it. I'm doing it, and I am practising hard at home, and I am going over and over and over the bits that are harder for me SO I CAN pull it off.

I'll be entirely honest with you. I haven't moved as much in the past few years as I have in the show. It's been exhilarating and liberating! And I feel great!

With so much focus in our society being pointed towards visual appeal, I am trying to teach my girls about capability and strength. And I am showing them, right in front of their very eyes, that capability is not solely focused on size.

I'm not as fit as I need to be. My arthritic knees are not the centre of my focus at the moment. And I have a full understanding that everything I have achieved in this show would have been so much easier if I wasn't carrying round as many 'bags of oranges' as I am. My feet hurt, my knees get stiff, and my body takes a hit every now and then as I collapse on the stage at various points throughout. But I am still doing it. I am capable. My body is working.

Depending on your life values, perhaps I may not be as pleasing to the eye as others on stage. Perhaps I don't move as quick and dance as snappy. But I give a bloody good performance and I take great pride in bringing you my best each time you see it. You will see me for me.

Because, even if I am bigger than everyone else, even if I am inexperienced, even if I am feeling a little overwhelmed at times, you will not find me feeling ashamed to be the biggest on stage. When you come along, you will see so many of my faces throughout the show. So many emotions, characters, positions, dances, songs and smiles. You will find me in all my glory, tanned from Vietnam and happy as hell. I am beautiful. And I am talented. And I belong in this amazing group of actors and singers who all bring their amazing identities and individuality to this show to make it a whole.

That is my true purpose here. To be a Lauren-sized part of the community we create in this show. To just be me.

How absolutely inspiring.

Ciao for now,

LG - Life's Godspell

www.theq.net.au for tickets!

Will my husband leave if I follow my dreams?

How do you balance it all? They asked no man ever...

That balance between time, passion, and everything else that missed out when you're a female trying to fulfil your dreams.

I think back to all the stories I’ve heard about people following their dreams, both in fiction and reality, and am reminded that every success has been heralded with a sacrifice. There is always a cost to the success. Time. Financial. Health. Relationships. Whatever the achievement, something else will give. In doing Godspell this year, there has been a significant investment/sacrifice of time involved. Time into the rehearsals and promotion of the show, and time away from my family. 

When I married Greg at the ripe old age of 22 (spring chickens!), a piece of advice was gifted and stuck with me to this day. Time is love. Invest time into your relationships and you will build a strong foundation to weather the storms that are bound to blow your way. It is absolutely sound advice and came from someone I love who I respect. But my interpretation of this advice veered towards extremism. I cast aside my hobbies and morphed myself into my husband’s own personal groupie. 

I watched him wakeboard, fish and snowboard. I sat for hours in ski resorts just to be there for him to say hi at lunch time. I was available to his every need with a capital A. And not once, did I ever expect him to return that favour. In fact, I would have been mortified to ask him to spend as many hours as I did watching me do my thing. He would’ve if I’d asked him. I felt guilty for years that I wasn’t partaking in the above-mentioned activities with him…but in truth, I had neither the physical conditioning required nor the desire to participate. I gave it a go here and there, with varying results, and when I had success, I enjoyed my achievement or trying something and getting it done rather than the activity itself. His loves are not my loves. 

No. My love is singing. My love is performing. We share minimal common interests and actually, it was always like that, even when we fell in love! And I chose to forgo my love for the greater good of our relationship. Because time equals love. But as maturity has grown and wisdom has increased, I’ve come to realise that the time I have deliberately put aside for ‘us’, has been filled with other hobbies and interests for Greg. Like indoor cricket and working later hours. Because, ironically, my ever-present state in our home has given my darling husband his wings to fly. Let me make it clear to you all before you start resenting him, Greg is actually an awesome guy. His endlessly commendable work ethic and hobbies I have no interest in are balanced with many more hours spent together on our lounge and in my arms than I care to admit (when we should have been folding washing and doing dishes). 

It occurred to me the time required to build and nourish our relationship isn’t quite as much as I initially thought was required. I then realised some of that spare time we were spending apart could actually be utilised by ME to do what I would like to do again. I had been giving and giving and giving and forgot that I needed to pay attention to my hopes and dreams too. But there are two other people who would be affected by this choice. When I chose to do another musical after 12 years, it took a bit for my family to adjust. Initially it was two nights a week I would be out, then we added in Sundays, then some Saturdays, and next week it will be every night as we work towards Opening Night. That’s a lot of time spent away from my girls, as well as Greg. 

As mothers, I think we pride ourselves on how much time we can spend with our children. And before I go on, I fully appreciate and understand the critical need for children to spend time with their parents, and how much actions speak louder than words and ALL of that. I am fully across that and believe in it thoroughly. I get it. But I also think we pride ourselves on it. Like somehow I hold a smug satisfaction in the fact that I sat in the same room as my children and was available to them...just in case. And just for the record, I don’t believe fathers do the same. Not to say they don’t enjoy the time with their families. But in my experience, time spent away is not fraught with guilt and conscious justifications. It just is. 

But what I failed to give attention in all my time spent with them, was showing my girls how to follow their dreams. How to set your sights on something amazing, and relentlessly pursue it. Not just through hard work, but through self-belief, resilience and faith. My girls watched me prep for my audition whilst I was struggling with a chest infection, they came to my audition and joined in the dance section. They watched me walk into a room full of strangers and be confident, brave and determined. And since winning that role, they’ve seen me a whole lot less. But what they have seen is me rehearse, make friends, try on costumes, practise my dances and tirelessly drill my songs and basically fulfil a massive dream to have a lead in a musical, all whilst bringing them along for the ride. 

I’ve had to deliberately quieten the guilt I feel leaving them, that I feel I am both expected to feel as a mother, and don’t want to feel as I chase my own dreams for the first time in a long time. I have to literally shake off my feelings of selfishness and self-centredness that I am solidly sure my husband doesn’t feel when he leaves the house to enjoy his hobbies. Because, God forbid the mum wants to follow her love and passion too. 

But it isn’t just me that feels this way. My community have also confirmed this expectation of mothers being expected to manage life as a whole. It hasn’t skipped my awareness that the men in show biz are asked about their roles, their experience, their skills and talents. Women in show biz are asked how they manage to balance their involvement with their children’s needs. Do men EVER get asked how they are managing their family’s needs with their own, and how they balance life, household, family and work, or is it assumed they don’t? That either someone else magically manages the logistics of their lives, or is it simply implied that women struggle more to find the balance? And is that because woman ARE responsible for more, or unnecessarily pride ourselves on agonising about things we don’t need to? Why is it that men don’t get asked how they are managing the balance in their lives? 

I recently proposed a collaboration of a written piece focusing on women kicking goals and balancing their load to achieve goals to a friend. And reflecting on this today, I’ve realised in doing so, perhaps I have perpetuated this very imbalance of equality. Because the women in this cast are not the only parents. There are five out of ten cast members who are parents, all dealing with time spent away from their kids whilst following their dreams...and two of those are dads. And recognising this balancing act as a magnificent feat by only the women in the cast both downplays the male experience of this, and further enhances the gender expectations of women to be home bodies. 

I have never felt resentful towards Greg for doing the things he loves, I have always chosen to support him in his choices and I made my own choices with our relationship’s best interests at heart. But I didn’t have my needs at heart. I didn’t have my joy in mind. I had everyone else’s needs placed well above mine. 

And while I can say truly that I have taken the time for me, I feels it’s been a harder and more guilt-ridden decision than any of Greg’s choice to enjoy his hobbies. And despite the internal struggle…everyone has benefitted from me being fulfilled mentally, emotionally and physically than I have been in many years. 

So come and see the Queanbeyan Player’s production of Godspell to see what I’ve been spending my time on lately. Come and see me in my element for the first time in 12 years. And be proud that this woman put her own sense of guilt and selfishness aside to enjoy her own interests. 

Image by Michael Moore 

Ciao for now, 
LG - Life's Glorious! 

www.theq.net.au/godspell/