That balance between time, passion, and everything else that missed out when you're a female trying to fulfil your dreams.
I think back to all the stories I’ve heard about people following their dreams, both in fiction and reality, and am reminded that every success has been heralded with a sacrifice. There is always a cost to the success. Time. Financial. Health. Relationships. Whatever the achievement, something else will give. In doing Godspell this year, there has been a significant investment/sacrifice of time involved. Time into the rehearsals and promotion of the show, and time away from my family.
When I married Greg at the ripe old age of 22 (spring chickens!), a piece of advice was gifted and stuck with me to this day. Time is love. Invest time into your relationships and you will build a strong foundation to weather the storms that are bound to blow your way. It is absolutely sound advice and came from someone I love who I respect. But my interpretation of this advice veered towards extremism. I cast aside my hobbies and morphed myself into my husband’s own personal groupie.
I watched him wakeboard, fish and snowboard. I sat for hours in ski resorts just to be there for him to say hi at lunch time. I was available to his every need with a capital A. And not once, did I ever expect him to return that favour. In fact, I would have been mortified to ask him to spend as many hours as I did watching me do my thing. He would’ve if I’d asked him. I felt guilty for years that I wasn’t partaking in the above-mentioned activities with him…but in truth, I had neither the physical conditioning required nor the desire to participate. I gave it a go here and there, with varying results, and when I had success, I enjoyed my achievement or trying something and getting it done rather than the activity itself. His loves are not my loves.
No. My love is singing. My love is performing. We share minimal common interests and actually, it was always like that, even when we fell in love! And I chose to forgo my love for the greater good of our relationship. Because time equals love. But as maturity has grown and wisdom has increased, I’ve come to realise that the time I have deliberately put aside for ‘us’, has been filled with other hobbies and interests for Greg. Like indoor cricket and working later hours. Because, ironically, my ever-present state in our home has given my darling husband his wings to fly. Let me make it clear to you all before you start resenting him, Greg is actually an awesome guy. His endlessly commendable work ethic and hobbies I have no interest in are balanced with many more hours spent together on our lounge and in my arms than I care to admit (when we should have been folding washing and doing dishes).
It occurred to me the time required to build and nourish our relationship isn’t quite as much as I initially thought was required. I then realised some of that spare time we were spending apart could actually be utilised by ME to do what I would like to do again. I had been giving and giving and giving and forgot that I needed to pay attention to my hopes and dreams too. But there are two other people who would be affected by this choice. When I chose to do another musical after 12 years, it took a bit for my family to adjust. Initially it was two nights a week I would be out, then we added in Sundays, then some Saturdays, and next week it will be every night as we work towards Opening Night. That’s a lot of time spent away from my girls, as well as Greg.
As mothers, I think we pride ourselves on how much time we can spend with our children. And before I go on, I fully appreciate and understand the critical need for children to spend time with their parents, and how much actions speak louder than words and ALL of that. I am fully across that and believe in it thoroughly. I get it. But I also think we pride ourselves on it. Like somehow I hold a smug satisfaction in the fact that I sat in the same room as my children and was available to them...just in case. And just for the record, I don’t believe fathers do the same. Not to say they don’t enjoy the time with their families. But in my experience, time spent away is not fraught with guilt and conscious justifications. It just is.
But what I failed to give attention in all my time spent with them, was showing my girls how to follow their dreams. How to set your sights on something amazing, and relentlessly pursue it. Not just through hard work, but through self-belief, resilience and faith. My girls watched me prep for my audition whilst I was struggling with a chest infection, they came to my audition and joined in the dance section. They watched me walk into a room full of strangers and be confident, brave and determined. And since winning that role, they’ve seen me a whole lot less. But what they have seen is me rehearse, make friends, try on costumes, practise my dances and tirelessly drill my songs and basically fulfil a massive dream to have a lead in a musical, all whilst bringing them along for the ride.
I’ve had to deliberately quieten the guilt I feel leaving them, that I feel I am both expected to feel as a mother, and don’t want to feel as I chase my own dreams for the first time in a long time. I have to literally shake off my feelings of selfishness and self-centredness that I am solidly sure my husband doesn’t feel when he leaves the house to enjoy his hobbies. Because, God forbid the mum wants to follow her love and passion too.
But it isn’t just me that feels this way. My community have also confirmed this expectation of mothers being expected to manage life as a whole. It hasn’t skipped my awareness that the men in show biz are asked about their roles, their experience, their skills and talents. Women in show biz are asked how they manage to balance their involvement with their children’s needs. Do men EVER get asked how they are managing their family’s needs with their own, and how they balance life, household, family and work, or is it assumed they don’t? That either someone else magically manages the logistics of their lives, or is it simply implied that women struggle more to find the balance? And is that because woman ARE responsible for more, or unnecessarily pride ourselves on agonising about things we don’t need to? Why is it that men don’t get asked how they are managing the balance in their lives?
I recently proposed a collaboration of a written piece focusing on women kicking goals and balancing their load to achieve goals to a friend. And reflecting on this today, I’ve realised in doing so, perhaps I have perpetuated this very imbalance of equality. Because the women in this cast are not the only parents. There are five out of ten cast members who are parents, all dealing with time spent away from their kids whilst following their dreams...and two of those are dads. And recognising this balancing act as a magnificent feat by only the women in the cast both downplays the male experience of this, and further enhances the gender expectations of women to be home bodies.
I have never felt resentful towards Greg for doing the things he loves, I have always chosen to support him in his choices and I made my own choices with our relationship’s best interests at heart. But I didn’t have my needs at heart. I didn’t have my joy in mind. I had everyone else’s needs placed well above mine.
And while I can say truly that I have taken the time for me, I feels it’s been a harder and more guilt-ridden decision than any of Greg’s choice to enjoy his hobbies. And despite the internal struggle…everyone has benefitted from me being fulfilled mentally, emotionally and physically than I have been in many years.
So come and see the Queanbeyan Player’s production of Godspell to see what I’ve been spending my time on lately. Come and see me in my element for the first time in 12 years. And be proud that this woman put her own sense of guilt and selfishness aside to enjoy her own interests.
Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Glorious!
www.theq.net.au/godspell/
Image by Michael Moore
LG - Life's Glorious!
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