Monday 17 July 2017

Dear Woman of 2017

Dear Woman of 2017,

Try everyday to be better than you were yesterday. Correct all your faults; oh, did you amend the ones others might see too? Ensure you are self-reflecting and intelligent, and always use it to be submissive, demure, feminine and pleasing to others. Your insecurities are your best asset, valued highly in society, marketing and culture. Let your opinion be known regularly on social media and use your dinner dates to admire your man, there's value in his every word. 

You'll be taken seriously with a male at your side. Your gay persuasion is super hot, can he join in? Being maternal is your entire purpose for existence. Your husband can have it all: parenthood, career, relationship, hobbies, positive mental health, amazing post-baby body!

Bring your A-game to the table. You are ready to be brash and bossy, now you are the one wearing the pants in this room. Be confident in your dress as you are leered at. Be a slut in the bedroom and a minister's wife in public. Someone has to be kind and thoughtful...you. Use your actively listening skills to provide a sounding board for others to complain. Blow your credit card regularly - it's so cute when you have nothing to your name. Its critical to be aesthetically pleasing to everyone else. 

Apologise regularly. Analyse your every word, emotion and reaction. You deserve everything you get. Be apathetic and understanding towards arseholes; they don't know any better. Use your voice to scream for your rights in an online poll. Discuss matters of the heart with similarly-minded girlfriends. Loosen up for once! You're having another wine?

Enjoy your workout, the MumBod doesn't exist as a celebrated and accepted physique yet. Decrease office distraction by ensuring your panty line is not showing. Comfort is in blending in. Your personality is highly regarded when laughing at jokes, even more so if its at your own expense. Stay fit, your weight is an indicator of your happiness, history and worth. 

Enjoy ample 'me time', in well-lit public spaces full of people during the day. Members of your community will support your safety when you are dressed modestly. Your vagina needs a pounding, challenge accepted. Take your matters of abuse before the courts for humiliation, judgement and ineffective action - your dirty laundry is now clean until you bleed again. 

Be revered, your disgusting menstrual cycle is an honour. Be grateful your man is not taxed per month for his ability to ejaculate. Cherish and protect the secret of your lost baby forever. Be gentle with your husband, your asking for assistance is irritating. Expecting involvement is suggesting mind-reading capabilities. Be capable and practical to contribute to society. There is nothing sexier than a damsel in distress. Accept your failings humbly, share your success widely. Dream regularly of Prince Charming. Relish in double standards, women are from Venus after all. Support rights for men, women have already come so far.

Learn more. Do more. Have more. Accept all.

But don't be better...they might feel emasculated. 

Ciao for now, 

LG - Life's good (except for all the above bullshit I'm sick of).

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