The Hardest Day of Parenting, Yet!

Tough love....who is it harder for?

Since she arrived on the 23rd of April, Lucy and I have been joined at the hip (well, at the breast, mostly). She became my new sidekick, my new accessory if you will (a very cute one too!) being dragged around to this and that. I was absolutely smitten with her and wanted to show her off at any opportunity I could. And very quickly I realised if I fed her and changed her, she would generally sleep in the pram so it was coffees and magazines for me. Aaaaaah, fresh air! God knows after I spent the latter part of my pregnancy housebound, I had a lot of living to be done!

Greg was home for the first week and then only worked 3 days a week for the next 6 weeks, so he was around alot too. We enjoyed taking her downtown for coffees, going on little family picnics, and heading around to our friends places where she would be cuddled until her heart was content. But once Greg went back to work he was surprised by how often I was still getting out. I'd go to mothers groups, movies, shopping, visits, and for walks around the park. I didn't realise until after the fact that I had hated being so trapped inside.

So for 10 months now, it's been Lucy and I, a little team of Granger girls. As she is breastfed and didn't care for the bottle until just recently I couldn't really go anywhere without her. And she has been a real mummy's girl as well, despite Greg's willingness and want to settle her and do his half of the parenting work, she has mostly preferred me.

Until a few weeks ago! When all of a sudden my highly esteemed place in Lucy's heart as number one shifted and we saw her do a big swing towards Greg's side of the table. And I was waiting for it, but didn't realise it would come so soon. I knew there would eventually be a time when mum got boring and daddy (who is at work for 8 hours a day) is the most wonderful thing in the world. Now, don't get all reassuring on me, I know how much my daughter loves and adores me, and that when she is sad or upset I am the one she turns to. I am simply saying that Greg has started to really come into her affections the way he has hoped for so long now.

You should see her little face light up when she sees the door of his shed lift as he reverses his car in. She looks at me, and then back out the window. She can hear him open the back door and she starts crawling towards the laundry door expectantly. And when he opens that door, oh my gosh, it is like all her Christmas's have come at once. She squeals in delight! Jumps up and down on her little knees and giggles at him. And all he has done is smile. The most beautiful, special, and intimate moments of my heart, right there for all to see.

Now Lucy has been more than we could have hoped for in a daughter, and we are so thankful everyday that she is a delight to us. Lately she has been sleeping terribly (by lately, I mean for a few months now) and it has reached a head this week. With no more than 2 hours in a row most nights, she wakes and wants to feed each time. After seeking several professionals for advice, I decided she wasn't feeding from hunger, but for comfort. And I also saw that without changing something, I was quickly heading down a path of destruction myself. Believe me, after crying without a pause for 2 hours on Friday night because my heavy sense of overwhelming stress and fatigue was too much too bear, Greg and I both realised we couldn't keep going how we were.

And it wasn't just for selfish reasons of 'hmmm, I'd like some more sleep'. But out of necessity because I wasn't actually surviving anymore. The Lauren that has coped remarkably well from day one was falling apart in a big tired mess. The same one who everyone had said had taken to motherhood like a duck to water, who took all things in her stride and who coped well with anything Lucy could throw at her. Well, this one and the same girl was crying out for help for the first time, and it was extremely tough to do. Admitting that in fact you didn't have it all together.

And there were so many telltale signs of my lack of togetherness. The house was a thousand times worse than normal (I mean, Greg and I struggle to keep it together on good days so I can see how that might have been looked over, but it was much worse!) and I couldn't get on top of any of it. I was in a shocking state of hairiness too, with my legs rivalling those of an 16 yr old boy and my eyebrows were as bad as those on Oscar the Grouch! Mono brow included. And I stopped going anywhere. It was too hard to do anything at all. And of course, as you know Lucy was sick two weeks ago, so that certainly didn't help things either. So something needed to change.

What is the worst thing you have ever done as a parent? Is it making up rules that you then hate sticking by? Accidentally hurting your child? Having to watch them get immunised? My worst moment by far was last night. Because last night, I cut her off. From me, and therefore from her beloved nighttime feeds for comfort. And in went Greg to mop up the mess. The first time she woke, man she was cranky. And Greg hardened his heart against her cries for me and patiently settled her as best he could, with love, cuddles, patting, shhhhhhing and anything else that worked. And after 45 minutes of crankiness and tears, she went back to sleep.

And I stood in the shower crying. Because as her mother, it has always been my role to stop the crying. She has always turned to me to fix her. I have always been the one to bring her comfort, to know she is safe, to know she is loved. And last night for that 45 minutes, I am sure she thought I abandoned her. I could hear her accusations in her screams for me. Where the hell are you Mum!!!?

And as predicted and expected, 2 hours later, she woke again. And off Greg went, patient and kind, into her room to disappoint her yet again. But she understood after only 10 minutes this time that Greg was all she would get tonight. And 2 hours later, she woke to him and was settled within a few minutes. And so on went our two hour sleeps until I finally fed her when dawn came at 6am, and she slept again until 8am. So predictable. I was so grateful that she understood quickly that it was daddy who would come, and that there was no point begging him for food...he couldn't offer even if he wanted to.

And so we continue tonight, I'm hoping it may be a little easier again, and that she may sleep a longer between getting up. Because soon she will hopefully realise there is no point to waking up during the night, there is nothing for her.

But until she sleeps, I won't sleep. Even though Greg is getting up to her, I am lying there...guilty as all hell and praying she sleeps quickly without fuss. Praying she knows without a doubt that her mummy loves her so much. Praying that she understands that her mummy needs to look after herself because unless I do, I will be less capable to look after her.

 Thankfully she doesn't hold a grudge.

Ciao for Now,
LG, Life's Good!