The Controversial Wearing of Pants!

Who wears the pants!?

Relationships are tricky things at times. You have two people who are hoping to head down the same path towards their mutual future...but at times they have differing ideas of how to get there! And even when you are the most compatible couple in the world, you still get on each others nerves from time to time.

I remember my mother gave me some excellent advice when we got engaged...'there will be days when you just love each other so much that you will want to burst. There will be days when you want to kill each other too. But mostly, there will be days that are mediocre, when you are just two people travelling alongside each other with the same goals in mind.' And in our relationship I have found that to be true.

Greg and I are best friends who share our secrets together, we tell each other things we would never share with anyone else. We see the best sides of each other on our good days and the worst of each other on our bad days. We know when the other is cranky, or just tired, when there is a real issue or simply it's just that time of the month. And at times we can't get enough of each other, madly in love and joking around within our own little bubble of happiness. But other times we misunderstand each other, the tone we use or the words we say, like we hardly know each other at all.

I was talking with friends on the weekend about the old wearing of pants business (and I promised I'd write a blog on it, you're welcome!). You know, its a term that seems to under mind the masculinity of the man in the relationship. Under the thumb? Wears his balls on her necklace etc? It was claimed that I was the wearer of pants in our relationship. But was does it mean? That they have viewed me in my role as Greg's wife to be too strong? Or have they viewed him as too weak? Because doesn't it mean that the balance is wrong if the girl is wearing the pants? Isn't it a bit insulting to hear that?

What I am surprised at is why this tiny statement should matter at all to me. Ooooh, God forbid something thinks I am wearing the pants! Who cares!? Why do I give a damn how they see our relationship from their view point? I know they love us both and are supportive of us as a couple and as a family. It was a passing joke if anything. But perhaps I do see what they see.

What they might see is that Greg doesn't do much without checking in with me first. He might prefer to spend Saturday night with the family at home rather than heading down to the pub, but I also might have blown off the girls to do the same. They might see me asking Greg to not go fishing for an afternoon so he can spend some time with us instead. So they see Greg doing things to please me, to keep his wife happy. Happy wife, happy life?

It's like wearing the pants means that he should continue to do whatever he chooses, whenever he chooses and never consider anyone else, continue on living a life like he had before he married or became a parent. Wearing the pants means he doesn't consider others when making decisions, and what he says goes. Wearing the pants means that he shouldn't be questioned, that he should be obeyed. Hmmmm.

Does wearing the pants mean still going away for weeks with the boys? Does wearing the pants mean still doing all the hobbies you enjoy? Does wearing the pants mean staying out late with the boys when you'd like to? 

So I asked our friends to show me a relationship in which the man wore the pants....they couldn't think of one. So does it actually exist in reality? This alpha man who wears the pants? Or is it just a way to tease our men about being considerate, caring and communicative husbands (which is actually what they should be!).

Because perhaps once a guy falls in love and chooses to consider another person in everything they do, it actually makes him become the man he was intended to be. Maybe choosing to put someone else first in life is honourable, and will make him a much better partner for the long haul. I have seen men who try and hold all control in a relationship, it often ends in the women feeling so downtrodden that they must break free and walk away.

Although, I know I have seen cases when either the guy or girl in a relationship over time resembles nothing of their former self. No longer partaking in anything for them. No longer caring what they think for themselves, only thinking of the other. That is the extreme case that I am sure this saying started with. The man who can no longer socialise with his friends, who no longer does any hobbies, who no longer sees anyone. He is the man I think they initially thought of when saying she wears the pants.

But don't think the girl doesn't change herself to fit either. I can't tell you how many times I have chosen Greg over others, how often I have dragged my feet to events that interest him, how I made the choice to stop participating in shows for the moment because that is time I'd rather spend with him. How I have to run my ideas past him about spending money on major things, how I have to be more giving with my time so he can do his hobbies. What I buy when I do the groceries is based on what Greg likes to eat. And I love doing all these things because I love him and want to please him, as he does me.

So in my mind Greg wears the pants. And maybe in his mind I wear the pants. Because we both feel that our control has been relinquished somewhat to each other...that we no longer make choices only for ourselves because we care what the other wants as well. And we don't resent this at all. We have welcomed it as it changes and grows each year we are together. 

A relationship is a partnership. Where both people should be caring of the other. I consider us to be equal partners in our relationship, considering the other before we commit to anything and ensuring that we do guard our time together as a couple, and as a family, as precious and necessary.

And this old line about who wears the pants? I don't think it's relevant anymore.

Ciao for Now,
LG, Life's Good!