You're missing the obvious...I'm not overweight because I'm sad.

There is a general understand in society that overweight individuals are not happy. That they must surely have a desire to lose their weight yet somehow cannot harness that as a priority over their love of food, alcohol and general gluttony that they so obviously enjoy....right?

When we began dating, and I started to get to know Greg, I saw his flaws as he saw mine. And I'm not talking about physical flaws, I'm talking about the personality flaws we all have. And still we chose to invest in each other, love each other, and commit to each other. We loved each other not in spite of those things, but partly because of them. Those flaws are what makes us who we are, aren't they? For we aren't simply made of positive and wonderful attributes, we are also made of selfish, guilty, and occasionally small minded personality aspects. Overall, most people are mostly amazing souls who we learn so much from. From those early days, for everyday, I made a choice to love him. I chose to be his partner in life, his lover, his encourager, his challenger, and his partner in crime. And I chose this with my eyes wide open. I saw early on that we had parts of ourselves that didn't align perfectly, but for the most part, I find those holes endearing and character building. My choice to be in love with Greg continues to drive me every single day of my life, and I have been blessed beyond expectation through our relationship. May it always be so. 

When I became a mother, I thought about all the things I hoped for our children. Which values i wanted to encourage in them, the hard line values, the bendable ones, and the values I didn't really value myself. It was an amazing opportunity to self assess my life and our future. We decided we would teach our girls to be independent, considerate, caring, capable, strong, resilient, determined and communicative children who would hopefully continue those values in their schooling, careers, families and relationships. And so this is what we consistently and consciously work on as we guide them through life as 3 and 5 year olds, hopefully instilling gifts for their future which will allow them to thrive through life successfully. 

Both the above examples are moments in life when I made a choice based on my genuine desires in life, and I put in place consistent, reliable and conscious behaviours that reflected these end goals. Not once has either of these decisions been challenged in my heart. There is nothing conflicting in those facts in my life. There is not one little bit of me wishing I could walk away from Greg, and not one aspect of me that hopes the girls grow to think they need to rely on others for their self value, for their strength, for their appreciation. There is not one thread of conflict in either of these situations. 

Yet here I am....two years after having lost almost all the weight I needed to, now back at my heaviest. Looking at me, I wonder if you think I am unhappy. If you think I must be lonely. Perhaps to you, I look like I lack self control. Maybe I even look as though I am lazy. I get it. I used to think that too. I kinda still do. But I've never really been a sad fat person. I've been a confident, sexy, happy kind of fat person. 

What if I told you that maybe there is another option out there. That there are not only two exclusive categories for overweight people that we must fit into; Sad and emotional eaters, or desperately wanting to change but somehow can't. What is there was something else? 

Did you ever look at me and think maybe I want to be overweight? 

Did you ever consider that maybe I actually desire to be like this? Or did you always assume no one would want to be overweight?

I have spent so much time considering how you are seeing me, how you are judging me, how you are liking me more when I am a smaller size. Sometimes its all I think about when we are talking. I am wondering if you are thinking about my size (big or small). I am wondering if you are feeling sorry for me, and if you are making your assumptions. I feel anxious seeing you because I worry about what you will think of me, what assumptions you will jump to about my state of mind, what criticisms you will make of me later when you talk about me to your partner, my friends. I'm onto you. I see it in your eyes. Its when I'm at my most insecure. 

I see it with the same eyes that have known you all along. I see your reactions with the same eyes I have always looked at you with love. Despite what you see when you look at me, my vision hasn't changed looking out. The window I see the world from remains the same. Always the same. Because here, within my body is my personality that makes me ME, I remain the same. THE SAME. So with the same eyes that saw your awe and adoration of my decreasing size, I see your assessment of me, your questions, your pity at my increasing size.

And I don't know what is harder to manage. Your sad eyes or your excited ones. Regardless....the message remains the same. Some of your love me more when I am smaller. Don't deny it, ponder it. It's true. I see it. And some of you love me bigger. I see that too. Whatever makes you comfortable, whatever makes me more acceptable in your eyes. Well, fuck! By these standards, I literally can't win.  

It's just me in here. Lauren. You remember me? That's who I remain, regardless of my size. 

I've pondered it a lot lately. I'm totally aware that none of this matters. Because all that matters really is how I feel about myself. Which is what got me thinking about my desires. And how, in life, when I have a true desire to achieve, a united want, I put behaviours in place to achieve that. Simply, easily, it is inherently exactly what I want to happen, so it does. So why haven't I lost this weight and kept it off and why has this been an endless bloody journey for me to agonise over for so much of my life so far? 

I'm really very sick of the internal arguments in my head. And I'm so conscious of my health and the potential impacts there. I have a full understanding of that. I'm also soooooo sick of society telling me confidence belongs to the fit and thin. 'Oh, you must have been so confident when you were thinner'....um hello. I'm feeling pretty on top of my game today, actually. 

What if the reason I am struggle with this, is simply because part of me wants this? Part of me wants to remain overweight. Despite knowledge of health risks, despite social discomfort, despite the assumptions people make, what if the real reason I haven't got on top of this to date is because it doesn't ring true for me. I can do it, I can do anything, right? But do I want to? 

Let me tell you, it would explain a lot. Maybe there are reasons all over the world why people wish to be overweight. And maybe they are sick of being viewed by society as individuals who are failing at the task everyone assumes they should be working on. Let me make this clear. I am sick of you thinking i am somehow failing at my life because i weigh more this year than last. And let me make it crystal clear for you. I am also sick of you thinking I am somehow winning at my life when I weigh less. 

I am winning at my life when I can be true to myself. I am winning when I see your heart with my eyes and see your love for me, the real me, not that size that I happen to be that day. God knows it fluctuates. I am also winning when I can just put aside my own judgements on my weight and just accept that some part of me is clearly not on board yet. And I'm winning when I ignore all of my assumptions of how you are viewing me....because chances are I might be wrong. Or I might be right. But I prefer to think you love me unconditionally. 

I will invest more time in that. That's for another blog. But please, don't assume my size is a result of self loathing or sadness. Consider it may be what I want for the moment. I appear to be pretty invested in maintain it.... 

P.S I see it clearly too. Anytime I blamed you, i might as well have been blaming myself. These projections onto you are my own feelings, my own judgements, my assumptions. 

#heavyinmorewaysthanone

Ciao for now, 

LG - Life's Good!  xoxo