In the lead up to our wedding, I remember Greg coming home from work frustrated because his workmates were teasing him about entering into a commitment there could be no release from, that all the fun would end at the vows we would share, and that his balls would officially be hung from a chain around my neck from that point on. And he wasn't worried that this was the case, he was pissed off that no one was excited for us, or encouraging of our love and commitment to each other.
I felt the same. People would firstly comment on our youthful ages and how we should 'live a little first' before settling down. Then they would tell us the divorce stats for the year, focusing on those who got married early and how we would be doomed. And then they would tell us that we were just babies - we were rushing into something we hadn't properly considered. Jerks.
True, we got together when I was just 11 days shy of turning 20. Poor Greg! Hooking up with a girl just before her birthday! What do you get her!? What is the expectations of a new boyfriend! He was perfect. He turned up at my house (my mums house) with a beautiful bunch of flowers, a lovely card and I think we went out for dinner. We were already friends in the same group of mates, so moving into a relationship was going to do one of two things...either we would be happy together, or we would break up and cause our friendship group great drama! Lucky for our friends, and even more so for us, we were destined to be a love story. (Aaaaaaw - smiling coyly).
We knew very early into our relationship that we were right for each other. Not perfect, but certainly as good a match as one could expect. And romantically, we just loved each other more and more all the time. Sometimes I felt my heart would burst, as if I couldn't be more happy. But I could. I just got luckier and luckier, the more I got to know Greg, the sweeter I realised he was and the deeper I felt. And he fell for me. I just love the thought that I know a secret Greg that no one else sees, that he is saving something special of himself just for me. Bliss. He told me he wanted me by his side forever and we got engaged just after my 21st birthday after dating for 15 months. He even surprised me with the most beautiful ring, which to this day I still find myself staring at in wonder.
Okay, so if I knew any 21 yr olds in this day and age getting engaged, I'd probably feel slightly alarmed too. Because at the ripe old age of 29 I certainly think 21 is so young! But you know what? Sometimes you just know. Greg and I have grown up together. We travelled overseas for the first time together (and both wished that we had an adult to look after us!), we bought our first house together, we have grieved together, laughed together, fought together and loved each other through it all. Each experience we have had just teaches us something new about each other.
But after being together for 9 years (married for 7 in October) it seems that people expect our relationship to have soured somewhat. Especially after children. Let me tell you, if you fight with your partner before you have had children, expect to do so even more after you add these little joys to your life! Greg and I have never been as irritable, tired, grumpy, insecure, and cranky as we have become since we had Lucy. It is a difficult adjustment when you introduce a third (very important) member to your little family unit. Both Greg and I share an all consuming love for Lucy that cannot be compared to what we share for each other. For us, we found each other, learnt to trust and respect and love each other, and have developed a life together that we both enjoy. For Lucy, she was create from that love Greg and I share (don't make me go into details), and we loved her instantly. We didn't need to get to know her before we realised we would jump in front of a bus for her without even thinking. We didn't have to trust her before we knew that she was our everything.
Before we had Lucy, I used to worry how I would feel not being the centre (or the only centre) of Greg's world anymore, if I would be jealous of the love he feels for our child. I don't worry about that anymore......because I'd be a hypocrite! For I love her more than life itself, and she is always going to be the centre of my world, with Greg. I don't love him any less, in fact watching him with Lucy I love him so much more. I love them differently.
And Greg is still my husband. My one and only. My darling. I have written before about making sure you maintain your relationship with your partner after children, because one day your children will grow up, and hopefully you will still have your marriage. I still consider his needs, as he does mine. We have to make more of an effort now to talk about things other than Lucy. We make decisions about Lucy together, with both opinions valued and respected. And of course we fight. More than ever before.
We were talking about different marriages at work a little while ago and a colleague was telling me it was his wedding anniversary. I congratulated him and asked him if they were planning on celebrating. He told me he wasn't really planning much, probably just pick up some wine and dessert and celebrate quietly at home once the kids went to sleep. I thought that was nice - but it led to a discussion on what marriage is like after years together, after kids and after generally just getting used to each other.
Some marriages function merely as a partnership in life, just getting on with the job of raising kids and the logistics of running to a schedule. Some marriages function without much attention spent on the partner, without attraction, without affection. Some marriages function without much conversation, taking separate holidays and enjoying different activities. Some husbands and wives feel that their partner has nothing to offer them anymore. Some marriages are one of simple convenience.
And some marriages are ones of ongoing support, awareness of the other and of making a conscious effort to maintain the fun, the love and the romance. I've seen these marriages. I want one just like it. I have one just like it. Because Greg and I know what we must do to stay connected to each other, in the easy and the tough times. I'm never going to see our relationship as one of convenience, but one of great fortune. I will always be grateful for him in my life, for finding him so early, for marrying him and growing up with him in our 20s. I will never feel like it will be okay to simply be housemates.
For us, sex is important (sorry honey, I said the S word!). Talking is important. Laughing is hugely important. And having a cuddle on the lounge after a long day is still important. Seeing each other play with Lucy is important. Helping each other is important. Respecting each others opinions and character is important. Having time away from each other sometimes is important too. And always putting our little family first is important.
Is your marriage going stale? Are you paying attention to each other or has it all become just about the kids? Or your work? Do something about it tonight. Take home some flowers (or some fishing gear). Cook a fancy meal as a treat. Crack open a bottle of wine and talk about anything other than the kids. Remind each other why you love them. Remember what it was you fell in love with in the first place. And have sex for gods sake! It will do wonders, I promise. And not just normal sex. But mix it up a little. Do something you haven't done before, in a room you haven't done it in, in clothes you haven't done it in. And prove to yourself and them that you can still surprise each other even after all these years.
Invest in your marriage - your kids should grow up seeing a healthy, loving relationship that they will aim to achieve one day themselves. Don't show them that is okay to simply co-exist.
I should be a sex therapist.
Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Good!
I found this confronting on so many levels, and wonder if those of you with these amazing marriages know how truly lucky you are! Obviously this is what we all aspire to have, but you are the lucky ones, as it unfortunately not the norm xx
ReplyDeleteHi Anon,
DeleteThanks for your comment. In return I have found your comment quite confronting. :) I'm concerned that you have read my blog and taken away from it that I have the perfect marriage, that we fit together perfectly, and that we never have any issues with each other. Or that we are some kind of romantic couple from the movies. Perhaps I should have included in their the fights we have, the lack of attention we pay to each other when all we want to do is watch TV in the evenings, or how we don't see eye to eye on several very important topics.
Please don't misunderstand what I have wrote - by no means is my marriage perfect. Nor are Greg and I perfect for each other. But we are a good match.
I have stated what we know we need to do to stay connected to each other, and what is important for us in our marriage....doesn't mean we do this all the time. Simply that I have an awareness of what makes us work.
Is it unusual to get to know what your partner likes and dislikes, and to share your expectations and needs too? Greg doesn't always meet my expectations nor do I meet his. And as I said, we certainly fight (more now than ever before). But as much as you can be, we fit well together.
Don't take away from this blog that my marriage is perfect. It isn't. I didn't say it was. It isn't even amazing, and I don't think it's out of the norm. In fact in my experience, we are pretty average. But I choose to look at my relationship with optimism, with hope for the future, and with an understanding of my husband as a person, and how much I can expect fairly of him. You might have a similar relationship but see it from a different point of view?
Am I being naiive to think that in this day and age you too can find contentment in your relationship? Do I really belong to an exclusive group of 'lucky ones' instead of a majority?
As I said in the blog, I am thankful everyday for our relationship, and for the blessings on my life. I am always grateful.
I hope you too will consider yourself lucky one day too.
xoxo