I've been contemplating suicide

The most selfish act... or the bravest thing one could do?

DISCLAIMER: This blog is written from my heart, but this heart knows no depression. Sadness yes, depression no. So please understand I am speaking from a viewing platform and not the ledge of experience, I may get it wrong.

I've discussed suicide with a handful of people over the years. People who have been touched by suicide, people who have contemplated it for themselves, and people who have resented it from afar without direct exposure to it. I don't deliberately go out of my way to start these conversations with people ('so....would you kill yourself?') but in their many forms that have come to me. I have pondered death often actually, come to think of it.

Thoughts of my own death and that of Greg's come to me on a semi regular basis. I can't imagine what you are thinking right now. I'm not sick and twisted, honestly. But I do have flashes of awfulness happening fairly frequently. Example required! Hmmm, alright. Greg went to snow a few weekends ago and Lucy and I stayed home. About 2 hours after he left I heard a car pull up outside our house, and two car doors closed. And instantly my hair stands on end and I feel sick to the stomach because all I can imagine is that it is the police with bad news. Of course, when I muster the courage to look outside, it is our next door neighbours...in their own driveway...unpacking the groceries. This happens to me all the time. I have learnt over the years that it means nothing...other than I need to trust in our protection and safety a little more!

Yet on the other hand, I have to expect it. No I don't want to think about it everyday (how doom and gloom would that be) but it is important to me that I acknowledge the fact that life isn't permanent. And I will be heart broken over and over again when people pass away from this world. No longer able to be seen, heard or touched. And I dread the next time as much as I mourn the last time. Please don't let this happen again. It will. That's without a doubt.

Have you ever pondered why we rage against death so much when it is such a natural part of life? Because we will miss them? Because we aren't positively sure what will happen to them after death? Because it makes us acutely aware of the shitty things we are focused on in our own lives that don't actually matter at all? Because are reminded that we too will die one day?

It seems obvious doesn't it? When someone dies we are sad and distraught. But why are we, if we knew it would happen one day, and we know it can come at any time? It makes me think of those who I have loved and lost and why I felt the way I did/do. I know for the most dear to my heart, it was for lack of time. Taken way too early, much too early for my liking!

Have you ever thought about the difference in death depending on the age you pass away at? A precious baby, only days old won't have known anything of the world accept for a family's love. Thank God for that. But they don't even get to feel sunshine, to run or learnt to say 'toast' (Lucy's new favourite word), or just have fun. It's the epitome of unfair.

What about the grandparents and older folk who pass away? For me, while I will miss my loved one very much and I will be sad for the moments we won't share in the future, I will be relieved they have lived long and full lives. Perhaps I might feel a little more comfortable in this situation (press play on the Lion King's circle of life now) knowing that is normal. You grow up, experience life, have a family and then pass away peacefully at a lovely old age.

And those of our friends who are our own age? In a way it seems to rage against nature the worst - because it could be us. It hits very deep down. Our own mortality. And the absence of that beloved person at all social occasions to come. So shocking, deep to the core.

What about the difference in the way your loved one dies? I have been pondering this lately, reflecting on the difference in grieving processes with a death you are expecting, compared to a shocking accident. Its a whole other ball game again when we are talking suicide. People feel so strongly about it - and it appears to me that they either understand it or they don't. And by don't, I mean those of us who feel that it is the most selfish act a person can do. Don't they consider everyone else's feelings in this!? How can they do this to their parents/their partners/their children etc? Have you perhaps considered that maybe even though they knew what it would do to those people, that the pain and torment they were feeling was even greater? That the logical thought processes we all have about life improving after shit times, and the normal chemical balance in our brains which allows us to feel hope, positivity and optimism for the future doesn't exist for them?

Wouldn't it be nice if you could play grim reaper and knock off the people that don't matter to you? Totally the most selfish thing I have EVER written on this blog, but who is against me? Given the choice, would you choose your family member, or a random on the other side of the world you know nothing about? Alright, maybe that is too deep an ethical question to ask - but just saying I know what I would do. Thankfully (and sadly) we don't get to play God with other peoples lives by picking and choosing when their time is up.

But we do actually have that power over our own life. At any point in time we can choose the unimaginable.

I have never been close to a person who has ended their own life, thankfully. But I have known of people close to my people who have, and I have seen varying emotions playing out for them as they learn to understand what the hell just happened. By no means does it make me qualified to speak on the subject, but I feel I am allowed an opinion. And being that it was suicide prevention day yesterday I want to share my thoughts tonight.

Mental illness might as well be cancer for some people, because if you don't receive the right treatment and support, it can all too quickly become a death sentence. I understand that sometimes it seems suicide is the easy road, and maybe your only option to stop the torment that you are experiencing at the moment. I get that from conversations I have had with people very dear to me. That it seems that may be the ONLY way to get relief from whatever is happening. That you have tried and failed, and tried and failed to live like everyone else, trying to keep a happy front up, but all the time despairing inside. Please keep hanging on.

I know life is hard. In fact, it is absolute shit at times. In the past month, I have had a dear friend pass away, a precious family member be diagnosed with cancer, a cousin-in-law pass away, and a brother-in-law needing surgery for breaking his leg at the snow. Add to this a bout of gastro for the whole family and some conjunctivitis for Lucy. But while I feel like the world is caving in, I know that eventually it will ease and happy times will come again. And I do get that perhaps for you, no promise from the future is enough to make an impact right now. That nothing is helping, and nothing has helped before.

But don't commit suicide. No matter how sick, no matter how distraught, no matter what the horrendous situation, I want you to stay here. And I am not saying this from a belief that suicide is wrong, that it is a sin or anything like that. I am saying this because I want you to seek help and I want you healthy again. I want you to take this seriously, your sickness. Because with the correct treatment it will most probably ease, and maybe even leave for good.

I want you to experience love, true and unconditional love. I want you to become a parent and finally feel a love that is all consuming in every way. I want you to feel success in your career and studies. I want you to try something new and feel the buzz when you discover something awesome. I want you to laugh until you cry with your friends. I want you to cry when you lose someone you love and feel your heart break....and still know that it will adjust and continue to live and happiness will come again one day. Feel the warmth of a refreshing shower, and the coolness of a swim in summer. Drive to the coast for a day trip and eat fish and chips! Do whatever it is that you have loved doing before.

And get professional help. Because if you are sick, nothing you can do, no habits that you create, no amount of organisation, no amount of fun you have will fix it. You might be sick. Consider it a lump in your breast/testes. You'd get that checked out by a doctor, for fear of cancer. So go and get a check up with your GP and talk to them if you just can't snap out of your funk.

Because if you are reading this, and feeling like this, I care about you and want to see you well again. Laughing again. Sleeping again. Coping again. Feeling fine again. If I am reaching into your heart tonight, hear me. Be brave and go and get yourself checked by a professional. Understand that no matter what you are feeling and experiencing, it doesn't have to stay the same. It can improve.

And if you need to talk, I am here for you. So is Lifeline - 13 11 14.

Smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers and serotonin. Do it. NOW!

Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Good - believe me, even in the shit times it is still good.