Years ago, I developed an idea of what kind of mum I would like to be. During my work as a nanny, I saw so many differing styles, that it more grew into a list of what I didn't want to do/be. I didn't want to spoil my child. I didn't want to encourage hurtful or whiny behaviour. I wanted an active child, rather than pass on my previous bad habits of eating poorly and exercising too little. I wanted to teach my child to be resilient, physically and emotionally.
As the years have passed, we have had several close friends have children and we have observed their parenting skills and styles with a keen eye, learning from them so many wonderful things. Like taking the child away from public ears to discipline them, so they don't have to lose face or be embarrassed. Like letting your kids stay up for special occasions, even though they will pay for it the next day. Like teaching your children their voice is important and that we will listen to them, but to not interrupt.
And of course, then Greg and I would talk about how we grew up and what we liked about our childhood and what we didn't. I liked that both my parents have always told me and my siblings how much they love us. They are openly affectionate and vocal about their feelings, and as a result I, too, am very expressive. Greg loves the time that he spent with his parents, learning about the circle of life on the farm, developing his amazing work ethic and determination to do something the right the first time instead of cutting corners. We both love going on family picnics.....but what we didn't realise was this can mean something completely different, depending on which family you came from.
It was several years ago now, on a lovely sunny day...one of the rare weekends when we didn't have anything booked on the Saturday. Greg suggested we pack a picnic and go and find a nice place by the water. In my mind, I had us placed at the Cotter - a family favourite of mine for as long as I could remember. Or maybe Point Hut Crossing? Either way, I was going to enjoy a 30 minute drive through the scenic Canberra outskirts and we would set up our picnic and lie around talking of our future together, cuddling and kissing until our hearts were content.
Instead, we packed our picnic and jumped in the car and hit the road. As Greg was driving this time, he thought he might take me somewhere new so I had to delete above expectations of locations, and wait and see. And we drove and drove.....and drove. Greg took me along winding country roads and we checked out the new wind farm they had set up out near Bungendore (at least I think that is where it was). We kept driving so we could go and see what 'they' (whoever they were) had planned for the mine near Tarago. And then we continued driving because Greg couldn't quite remember how far along the road we needed to go to get to the location he had in mind. To understand the context, you must know that I skipped breakfast that morning, that we had now been driving for at least TWO HOURS and I had expected to have eaten my lunch and be in the spooning position by now on a picnic rug in a shade of a beautiful tree. I did not expect to be still sitting in the car at this stage, looking at one boring country town after the next, ready to eat my seat belt if it didn't end soon!
Does anyone else get cranky when they are hungry? I get cranky and then extremely sarcastic.
G: They are talking about starting work in this mine again.
L: Great. Maybe we can move to Tarago so you can work here....it seems like a happening place. Can't think of anywhere I'd rather be!
G: Now, I can't really remember where the turn off is, so we might have to go this way and see, and what's the worst that happens? We have to come back and try the next one?
L: Yes, lets try all these little turn offs, because who knows where we might end up - in fact, lets keep driving for the rest of the day. At least then we won't have to put the picnic blanket down and cuddle each other!
Poor Greg. Here he was showing me the best sights Australia has to offer within driving range of Canberra and here I was wishing we were already there (2 hours ago!). In his mind, this is what you did when you went on a picnic....you checked out everything that was going on, and you went to investigate all the little nooks and crannies. By the time you got to your picnic, you pretty much only had time to eat and then you came home. Me? I thought he was being romantic. Frowny face. I thought he wanted to lie by the water somewhere for hours on end, discussing all things Lauren and Greg, and playing 'how will we spend our lotto millions'. Actually, he wanted to go near water so he could see if the water flow had risen from recent rainfall. Ah, how our expectations differed so!
It turned out to be a beautiful picnic after all and we both got what we wanted. But this is just one example of how we both thought our way was the best way, and it's the same with parenting.
The best thing about 2011 was that we were among several of our friends and families to have babies. The hardest and most wonderful part of it all, is that we have to resist the urge to compare the babies, or our parenting styles. It is a rich tapestry of so many families coming into play, with each mother and father coming from a different place, with different expectations, and with differing opinions of the importance of each moment. Each of the couples chooses what suits them best, and the other couples are respectful in acknowledging that of course we all work differently. And it's not just because of our own experiences but also because each of our children are completely their own person too.
I'm sure most parents think they have done a great job of raising their child, and wish to share with the world how savvy they are. So within our little group of family and friends, I think we have all struck an unspoken agreement to simply respect each others styles and leave it at that. No one couple is right....we all are right in our own little families, figuring it out as best we can and learning as we go. And I am learning lots from all the beautiful mothers around me, and I hope they learn a little from me too.
As for my parenting style? I am very much a laid back parent. I can't stop watching my daughter all the time and am so proud of all her little achievements. I let her fall when it is safe to do so, and try and catch her when I can see she may hurt herself. I try and let her have free roam of the house now that she is on the go, but block off the rooms I wouldn't like her to play in without me. I feed her all types of foods, but am watchful of her intake to ensure she is getting enough. I let her settle herself to sleep, but if she becomes distressed I go to her and calm her down again. I let her play with almost everything she can reach as long as it is safe and I leave her to her own devices (in our safe house) so I can hang out the washing.
That is the kind of parent that I am. It is right for Lucy. When the next comes along I may need to adjust myself to suit. But what I have worked out here may not apply to anyone else's child, so unless I am asked, I try my best not to advise others. And all the other parents I know are also doing an awesome job for their children. Because all the little babies I know are happy, healthy, active and engaged little people who couldn't be better, even if you tried.
So next time I try to give you unwanted advice, please forgive and forget it. I know you'll ask if you want it. I just think I've so much to share of all the things I have learnt about Lucy, I occasionally get carried away.
My most fulfilled role yet...Lucy's mum. xoxox
Ciao for Now,
LG, Life's Good!
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