You're Either With Me or You're Against Me!

Here we go........AGAIN!

Before we got married, I tried a diet program called the Cohen's Lifestyle program. I lost 12 kgs in 8 weeks. It was hugely successful....up until the point where I began to resent eating the same thing every day and I stopped. And proceeded over the next year to put those 12kgs back on again. So I signed up for Weight Watchers, a more common sense approach. But I didn't like going to the meetings.....which seemed to be full of people my mums age. A few years later and at my heaviest, I joined the Tony Ferguson craze and lost another 12 or so kilograms. And I have managed over the last few years to maintain that somewhat. During all of this time, I have signed up at several different gyms, but that hasn't really stuck either. And earlier this year, I lost 10kgs during my frist round of the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation. And during the subsequent round in which I did nothing, sat on my arse and ate shit, I put that all back on.

So I do understand completely the feeling of frustration, disappointment or sadness you may point in my direction when you read this blog today. Because whatever you may be feeling for me, I feel it a thousand times more than you! The fact that my victorious loss earlier in the year has just piled back on is somewhat devastating and also somewhat ridiculous. How have I let this happen? AGAIN!? Well, I have eaten shit, I have not exercised and I have used every excuse in the book. And yes, it has been a terrible year by all accounts. A family member was diagnosed with cancer two days after we laid a dear friend to rest after her battle with terminal cancer. Amongst it all, we have been plagued endlessly with sickness and bugs that just won't leave us alone. Its been a difficult year. And as I said..........every excuse in the book.

But you know what? Here I am owning this shit. And as much as I can point out the circumstances which made me feel as though there was no point, or which made me feel as though I had no time or energy to prioritise myself, they can't be blamed for my inaction. Only I can take the blame for that. So I do. And I am frustrated, sad and disappointed in myself. Because now I have to lose that all over AGAIN! Plus more!

I can tell you why the last round was a non event. Because I did not have the strength, nor desire to wake up earlier than the rest of my household 6 mornings a week and workout for an hour. I did not care to spend long periods of time in the grocery store buying from a well thoughtout list, or to prepare meals on Sundays ready for the week. I did not want to find time to watch Michelle's videos on her website about mindset lessons, nor did I bother to jump onto the forums to see if anyone else was going through the same struggle. Because i just didn't want to. I was sick of endlessly striving. Because it's all on ME! I am the one who does all this. Who has to do all this.

Hands up out there who has looked at the scales and realised they need to lose 50kg to be within their healthy weight range? For those of you who feel it is near impossible to lose that 5 or 10kg you are carrying....IMAGINE HOW I FEEL! Honestly, sometimes that is just too much to consider. It seems impossible. Unrealistic. Disheartening.

So I'm sorry if you are sick of hearing about this up and down ride of weightloss I seem to be continually on. I know there are people around me who feel that they are constantly supporting, constantly trying and constantly being disappointed by my lack of effort to care about my self for more than a couple of weeks in a row. Well, listen up because I have something very special to say to you. I'M STILL HERE. I'M STILL TRYING. I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP!

Because I want a healthier life for myself. I want to feel comfortable in my body, in my clothes, in my social situations. I want to feel fitter, be proud of myself when I look in the mirror and succeed in achieving milestones I didn't realise I could.

So I don't apologise for yet again picking myself, dusting myself off and refocusing on what needs to happen. Not once will I apologise for that. I won't apologise for the money I spend on the programs I do either. Because to me, it's worth it. To me, it's what I need to focus on to help me along. It's the encouragement and the support that sometimes doesn't come from others, and its the understanding that the fit and healthy people around me don't have.

So you know what? I write to you slightly defiantly today. A little on the defensive. Because I have a little rage inside. And despite what you may think, no I am not even mad at myself. I'm hell proud of myself. I'm proud for reassessing, yet again, and doing what needs to be done. I am pleased that I am yet again in a position when I feel I can again spend the time I need to for this to happen. And I am thrilled to have discovered that I now thirst after a hardcore proper workout, rather than a slack, half-hearted workout. If I set aside the time to workout, I want it to be a bloody good one! And this is something I have only just discovered, and am mega pleased with. Go me.

But I'm mad at those who don't get it. I'm mad at the people who think that it is as easy as 'if you say you're going to do it, just do it'. I am mad at those who have suggested it may be a waste of money. Or who may think (and actually say to me!) 'why bother!?'. And I am bloody furious at those who are frustrated with me FOR BEING EXCITING ABOUT THIS! For the people who are annoyed that I am yet again READY to make the effort I need to to lose weight! Who are shitty because they are going to have to hear all about my goals, my promises (that they think I will renig on - and I might!), my hopes and aspirations for the future and the program. Well, here is something very special just for you...... how about you go and shove your attitude up your arse!

You are either with me or you're directly against me. There is no middle ground. You can't claim to be supportive, and yet feel hard done by because I am beginning again. Like it puts you out!

And life is harder for me than it is for you, believe me. The effort for this journey does not lie in your hands. It lies in mine. I am the one who needs to reshape my body. I am the one who needs to focus on my health. I am the one waking up early. I am the one working my arse off to burn off 600 calories per session. I am the one tired and sore at the end of each day. I am the one who had to convince my head to just get out of bed and GO. I am the one who has to say no no no no no to foods I love. I am the one who has to say yes yes yes yes yes to fueling my body for performance rather than pleasure. It's on my head, not yours. It's my journey. Not yours.

So next time you think you are disappointed, frustrated, sad or annoyed because you have to be a bystander in MY difficult, hard and fluctuating rollarcoaster of a journey, consider this: I am still here. I am still trying. I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP. And I won't give up. I might go through tough patches. But understand that I will always be there, picking myself back up, rallying my emotions, courage and strength to stand and fight another day.

And do you know what? I don't need your support. I don't need your approval. I don't need your enthusiasm or your energy. But it's a hell of a lot easier with it.

Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Great!