What no-one tells you about losing 40kg

They say that weight loss is all in the mindset.....they weren't bloody kidding!

When I was younger, my sister teased my newly developing boobs. My response to that was to deny the boobs existed and instead, insist that what she was seeing was just fat rolls. Two fat rolls, in small lumps right where my breasts would be, but fat rolls none the less. It was my first experience of unwanted attention due to my 'assets'. And considering I was literally the FIRST girl in my entire year to develop little 'fat rolls', I'm not surprised I didn't welcome them like long lost friends.

Now, it should be said that my sister spent our entire childhood teasing me, so really, by the age of 11, you'd think resilience would have been my best friend. Alas, twas not the case, and I took her attention to heart in the worst way possible. From that moment on, it felt like a chain reaction of boob related drama.

In year seven, when we had to dance with the boys for PE classes, they were all eye level to my bazookas. In year 8, I was constantly hassled by this idiot a few years older than me, who would ask me to show him my tits every time I passed him in the corridors. When I was about 15, I stole a chocolate bar from Karabah Shops on my way home (I know, terrible!) and got busted by a sleezy man in his early 20s who cornered me out the back of the shops and suggested that in exchange for him not dobbing me into the cops, I could let him touch my rack. I gave him my best Sasha Fierce and told him my dad was a police officer and that I'd be dobbing him in instead. To my shame today, I did not. Instead, I ran home in fear that he would follow me, and I kept the story quiet, out of embarrassment of my theft. I shudder to think what kind of crap he probably got away with over the years. It's amazing how experiences like these teach you valuable lessons, and I am proud to say that within the past couple of years I have been able to response assertively to unwanted attention when required.

As attention to my breasts increased as the years went on, so did my weight. Looking back, I wonder if my story of the 'fat rolls' really tricked anyone other than myself!? During my teenage years, I grew into a beautiful, intelligent and likable character who made friends fairly easily. I also grew into an overweight young lady, and then an obese young woman, who despite all the Jenny Craig ads and understanding of what society expected, still felt attractive, sexy and confident. And I was happy.

Sure, I've had moments in my life when I felt very sad for limiting myself because of my weight, or missing out on physical activities because I wasn't brave enough to try, but generally and overall, I have loved my life. I was content, and truly, blissfully happy. Because I also felt beautiful. Inside and out. I valued the person I was and liked myself for my strengths, and understood and gave myself slack for my weaknesses.

Recently, I lost a LOT of weight. Like A LOT! 39.3kg to be exact. Because I just decided after trying and trying and trying....that I should just give up on trying and just actually DO it! God, trying is so exhausting and so hard, it takes such a toll on the self image and the self belief. But doing! Well, I had no idea how empowered I would feel!

I had no idea how it would actually feel to wake up proud of my self-control, persistence and determination. Proud of my hard work and strength. And overjoyed at the illusive feeling of well-being I truly immersed myself in, for the first time IN MY WHOLE LIFE! Suddenly, I was sleeping well. I stopped snoring (I know, so attractive!) and starting getting full nights of sleep (whenever Ava decided she would allow such luxuries). And I discovered SHOPPING! I didn't realise how much I would enjoy wearing clothes that I loved, rather than just what fit!

I also didn't realise how different I would look.

Or how everyone else would react to the new me....and how much I would care.

I kept my journey quiet for the first few months, really wanting to prove myself with results before I started ranting about yet another weight loss journey. I put up a post on my facebook page when I reached 20kg and had some wonderful and encouraging comments. But that's where the joy ended. Because by sharing my journey with the world, I also became vulnerable in a way I was unprepared for.

I started noting friends who didn't comment or like my weight loss related posts, over-analysing possible reasons why they didn't send their encouragement and well wishes. My personal journey became a raging centre of self obsession, paranoia and protection. Aren't they happy for me? Is my journey confronting for them? Are they worried about me becoming a different person? Am I becoming a different person?

I didn't quite know how to be me anymore. Because I looked dramatically different to the person I looked like a few months ago. And I still felt like me....yet I didn't at the same time. I felt more beautiful than I have ever felt in my life...and felt conceited for feeling beautiful. I felt more confident in how I moved, but felt I had to cover up my new body to protect against my friend's stares. I felt elegant, yet awkward. I didn't know how to stand. I didn't know where to look when people were looking me up and down. I didn't know what to say when people complimented me, and I didn't know how to be confident if they didn't compliment me at all.

At one point, I was even making decisions to NOT look the best I could, because I believed it would make others feel more comfortable. Why on earth would I think that? Because it wasn't all rainbows and lollypops. I had people tell me that this smaller Lauren reminded them of the younger Lauren they didn't like. I had people tell me they weren't coping with my reducing size. I had a good friend joke around and say the she hated how skinny i was right now.

Even more confronting was having people I know, not recognise me...and then the awkward conversation that followed nearly every time in which they would stare at me and compliment me. And I would stand there awkwardly, trying my hardest to seem completely at ease with this attention I have only ever hidden away from. And look, I totally understand this! I actually do look quite different to how I used to and if you haven't seen me in a while, it might be an easy mistake to make. I'm just saying its weird!

I totally understand this whole blog is almost entirely built on the fictional world inside my own head (aren't they all?), based on my self-image that is struggling to know what to believe, as the goal posts are shifting at an alarming rate. It's a tough one.

I want to say if you take encouragement from my journey then do so with my blessing, for I hope to inspire you if that is what you are wanting to do. If you are confronted by my journey, please know I love you just as you are and if you are happy, then I am truly happy for you too. I am not a reformed obese person, who is trying to convert others. I am simply on my own journey because this is what I am doing. I'm not passing judgement on anyone else.

I need to remind myself to stop assuming what I think people are thinking. Probably, they aren't thinking anything like the scenarios that I make up in my head (this applies to life across the board!). This is something I decided to do, for my health, for my family's health and for my retirement one day! It's actually nothing about anyone else but me.

I also want you to you to know that saying negative comments about how you don't like this new Lauren does me a real disservice. Annoyingly, I struggle with insecurity and work very hard to eliminate my little haters in my head who are constantly trying to derail my progress by telling me how I was better off at 120kg, that I don't deserve to have happiness and health, that I shouldn't embrace my confident and attractiveness. Hearing you confirm these niggling little thoughts is basically saying you'd prefer me to be your fat friend again. And if you are genuinely wishing me back to being 60kg above my healthy weight range, with increased risks to all types of serious diseases and a high chance of passing on my obesity and poor choices to my daughters....then let's have a think about our friendship a little more.

Thank you to those who genuinely support me without projecting all your challenges and self-esteem stuff my way. Thank you for being happy for me. Full stop. I am most confident and sassy in your presence. I feel free to discuss my journey with you, feel most at ease in my new skin with you. Because you want the best for me. You aren't worried about the impact of my weight loss on you. You aren't jealous, you aren't confronted, you see past my physical self to my heart, to see I am happy and content here, and you are happy and content for me.

I had NO IDEA that the mind shift would be so bloody full on! I had no idea it would feel so awkward to live in my own skin. I feel like my entire mindset is constantly in a state of massive overhaul at the moment and I am hanging on for dear life as I ride the rough waves! 

So from now on, I am making the following rules for myself.
1. STOP apologising for being Lauren. She is a wonderful, caring, fun (and funny), beautiful, sexy and intelligent woman. I will not apologise for being the best I can be in my life. And I will own my gifts with as much grace, humility and self-aimed humour as I can.

2. STOP letting others have the ill-placed power in my life. I can decide if I will allow other peoples opinions to affect me or not. And I can filter between what rings true and what is just plain unhelpful. There will be negative nancy's at each step of the way. They are going through their own shit and have their own challenges, I may not have complete insight into their crap. Learn resilience and acceptance of differing opinions...and remember that above all, in MY life, MY opinion is most important.

3. STOP telling myself the same old bullshit story about how hard this journey is. Everything in the above blog is absolutely valid but its time to stop treading water and be brave. Move forward. Into uncharted territory. Into health and vitality. Into well being and self control. Into determination and empowerment.

I began this leg of the journey on 19 June 2014. It's now 21 March 2015. I'm 2/3 done. 1/3 to go.

And please prepare yourself. Let go of any preconceived ideas you have, of how you think I should look. Forget how you think I look best. Forget how much you think I should lose and how long this journey should take me. From now on, I will look different to any version of Lauren you have known before. I am not going back, but I am moving forward into my 30s with a shiny newness that hasn't existed before!

Perhaps my confidence will always waiver. Perhaps getting to my goal weight won't be a the magic fix and I will always need to protect myself, build resilience and resist the emotional urge to let the haters of their leash. All I know for now is that this journey of self discovery is a thorough and exhaustive process. And more important, a terribly exciting one too!

I will finish this when I arrive. I may look thinner than you are prepared for. I may not be as thin as you wish me to be. None of that matters. All that matters is that when I get there, I will be within my healthy weight range and my body will be where it is destined to be.

Ciao for now,
LG - Life's Great!