Suddenly, and simply... I get it.
You know, I've spent the past 30 or so years feeling guilty? Guilty that I don't seem to care about the right things, can't complete simple tasks and forget to do regular things, like respond to your texts in a timely fashion...or show up when we've made plans. For every time I've disappointed you, I've let myself down more than I care to report. Why would I do that? Why do I keep doing that? Why can't I get my shit together for long enough to function like an adult for more than a few hours in a row? Why can't I be like you?
I'm pretty sure we all feel like this from time to time, look around the room and feel like the least experienced and successful one here. To be clear, I am not referring to my career. I'm talking the ability to just function as a human. Just the basics.
When I first became aware that adults are diagnosed with ADHD, I was watching The Block with my family, and as Ronnie outlined his recent experience with his diagnosis of ADHD and subsequent treatment, and the symptoms he experienced, I laughed and said to Greg... maybe that's what's wrong with me. And then we both laughed, because i couldn't be further from Ronnie's endless ball of hardworking energy. There is no way in hell I'd have a comparable stamina or physical endurance to get through the Block, let alone a weekend of housecleaning.
But, the thought kept bugging me. I began to research adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and I was incredulous that the symptoms I kept reading about didn't seem so out there or unusual. In fact, they were just normal everyday life things, which made me think - holy moly, we've all got ADHD!
So eventually I raised it with my GP, who referred me to a Psychiatrist. Who undertook an assessment with me and diagnosed me with adult ADHD on the spot. ME! ADHD! Wait what!?
As we went through the questions in the assessment, I was again struck with how frequent these diagnosis must be, considered how low the bar seemed to be to indicate your brain functions differently and you are experiencing symptoms that are negatively impacting your life. But turns out everyone doesn't relate...everyone doesn't exist in the same confused, busy, frustrated, creative, unfilled and motivated state all the time. Really? Everyone doesn't feel like this endlessly???
Before you turn your thoughts to kids bouncing off the walls, hear my experience. Hear how this impacts on my experience of life, on a daily basis.
My distraction levels are high. My brain is constantly feeding me amazing ideas, all of which exhaust me at the thought of putting any of them into action... if I could remember any of them. I do remember some, they are the ones I really lock into...they are the trends and obsessions you'll see come out in my blogs, social media comments, and conversations in life. Sourdough crazes, blogging phases, mosaic pot decorating, cake decorating, book writing, etc, etc etc.
My distraction makes it seamless for me to commence a thousand tasks almost simultaneously, and complete none of them...ever. I frustrate myself and others by seemingly acting without care, consideration or intelligence. Like when I put a load of washing on and leave it to go mouldy in the machine. Sometimes, it's because I forgot about it. Sometimes, I know it's there, but getting that job done is genuinely difficult for me to complete. So I distract myself on purpose by watching the cuckatoos for an hour so I don't have to do that task, and I think that's a perfectly reasonable thing to do... all the while hating on myself for not walking to the laundry, opening that washing machine door, and pulling out the clothes to dry. I have waited weeks for online orders I didn't realise I didn't complete. I can't remember the things i need to, and conversely remember thousands of things for short bursts of time. Never the things I need to.
My impulsivity leads me to make decisions that at times don't align with my goals. Like food. Each day, i rise knowing exactly what foods I need to eat to lose weight, a genuine goal I have had for the past 20 years. Suddenly, I'm driving 25mins to Sutton for a croissant, and since I'm there, best I grab an apple crumble cheesecake slice too please.
My hyperactivity drives incredible ideas, all the time. Which actually is really tiring. If i'm awake, my brain is pinging thoughts all over the shop, mostly unrelated to each other, or out of sequential order. I want things done yesterday and want to achieve a lot, but don't know where to start. Or finish. Or how to formulate the required process steps to achieve a purpose. I push for grand results, but can't deliver small, detailed outcomes. I feel endlessly restless... and frustrated. So frustrated.
You might be reading this, and relating. We all go through moments like this, right? Right! But this is my reality every minute, of every hour, of everyday, of every week...you get it.
Some of the conversations I've had with my disbelieving loved ones has been centred around my success in life. I have a great career in an industry I love. How the hell did i achieve that if I am ADHD? How is it that sometimes I can function, and others I cannot? Don't know. I don't understand it all yet, and it's going to be big to unpack. But I will tell you this - as an intelligent human, I've developed a thousand methods to divert your attention from my failings, mask my symptoms, and manage my challenges as best I can. It's what we do to adapt.
But I also need to give credit to my man, my team at work, my family and friends who forgive regularly, and a range of support measures I have implemented over the years. For example, had he been more concerned about the cleanliness of our house, or less amused by and tolerant of my hardcore yet temporary passions for many, MANY projects (mosiac pot, I'm looking at you), or how many times I've removed the lint from the drier only to leave it on the bench in the laundry...we may not still be here, laughing with each other today. It's been a joint unconscious experience for all of us, and I've been really lucky to have the love and support of these quirks to help me through.
So since my diagnosis, I've learnt a couple of important things. ADHD isn't just about difficulties...it also comes with creative and personality superpowers that I treasure in myself, such as enthusiastic engagement, swift and creative problem solving, and passionate expression. Those are such important aspects of me, my favourite parts.
It's not a disability. In fact, there isn't anything wrong with me at all. My brain developed in a certain way, and as a result I am constantly searching for the next hit of joy. I find mundane tasks that don't bring me joy absolutely unacceptable. So unacceptable that I subconsciously or consciously disregard them. I also sometimes miss the parts of life that do bring me joy because my ability to plan, prioritise and achieve goals isn't well developed. It's not an excuse to not do the boring, tough bits. But it explains why those bits are so bloody hard for me.
In fact, it just explains so much of my life and the reasons why I do what i do.
It explains why I don't want my mum to ask me if she can come and stay with us in two weeks time. That's a mental load of planning I can't carry. You are always welcome. Remind me the night before that you're coming so I can get enough food out of the freezer for dinner. We can make your bed when you show up.
It explains why I put my credit card in my pocket three weeks ago and then lost it. Greg found it under the seat of my car tonight. I have no idea how or why it got there.
It explains why a member of my team asks me to stick around after an online meeting, and two minutes later, I promptly hung up when everyone else does, and she had to dial me again.
It explains why I walk into a room several times and day and think, shit, why did I come here?
It explains why I work on the least important thing with absolutely uninterrupted focus, and can't pick up the phone to make one call to answer an important question.
It explains why our house often looks very 'lived in'.
It explains why I can blog for hours with clear focus, but can't get the meat out of the freezer.
It explains why I am overweight despite all my efforts to lose weight since I gained it.
It explains why I feel so frustrated at myself all the time.
It explains why I find it too tedious to edit my blogs for grammar and spellos.
It explains why some people think I'm lazy.
It explains why I feel guilty endlessly.
It explains why I do what I do.
It explains why I write letters and never send them.
It explains how I think.
It explains how I create.
It explains how I function.
It explains me.
And it's an insight I'm incredibly grateful to have in my life.
Ciao for now,
LG - Lauren's Got (ADHD!)
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