Greg and I have been together for 9 years this May and we have had some absolutely wonderful times. And some tough times too. But mostly, we have cruised along through life with ease. Ease with each other, ease with the wider world, ease with our life. It isn't hard for us to be together. We agreed on a lot and pick our battles strategically when we don't. It works in our favour that we are both almost as laid back as each other, because we don't sweat the small stuff, mostly because we couldn't be bothered with the toothpaste/toilet seat/hanging of clothes argument. Over the 6 years we have lived together our roles have formed and mostly we are agreement of them. I particularly like our renovating roles. I pick colours and occasionally suggest ideas, whereas Greg states what we need, and considers all the details that are required for it to happen. Oh, and he does most of the hard work too. Perfect.
We got used to living as a couple, and while we have had the occasional house guests who temporarily stayed with us, it always returned to us. The 2 of us living in our precious little bubble of happiness, comfort and easy laughs....mostly at each others expense.
So when Lucy moved in (Greg tells me this is an off way of putting it) it took some adjusting to our couple becoming a threesome. Instantly we loved it, but over time we noticed there would be moments when we realised we still hadn't got used to (insert baby activity/property/toys/noise here). We couldn't contain our excitement to bring Lucy home and show her around. We'd tell her 'here is your fridge Lucy, here is your lounge, and this is your backyard'. Everything that was ours of course became hers.
The first night we were home with her which was her second night on the outside, we put her down and fell into bed ourselves. We had been running on adrenaline for the past 48hours and no one had slept properly. I hadn't slept for 72 hours so I was well tired and when my head hit my pillow I was immediate out to it. I'm not sure how long I slept, but I abruptly woke to her cries in the night and jumped out of bed (a move I wouldn't advise after giving birth so recently) most upset. Not upset because I had been woken. Not upset that she was crying. But upset because I, in my sleepy exhausted state, had completely forgotten about her existence! 'OMG Greg! I forgot we had a baby!!! How long has she been crying for?!' And so it begun. My sleepy awareness of Lucy in our house.
And I wasn't just aware of her in our house. I woke up every night either sleep talking, or physically searching for her in our bed and our room. In frantic whisper I would say 'GREG! Is Lucy in bed with us!?' I can't count the amount of times I had dreamt she was caught under our covers, or the amount of times I'd be patting Greg down to try and find her (lucky man). One night, in my sleep, I thought I had found her and tried to lift her up under her arms so I could take her off to her bed. But I woke with frustration, and it took me a second to realise that the reason I couldn't lift her wasn't because she was really heavy, but because I was actually trying to lift Greg out of bed while he was sleeping soundly. Poor Greg. This continued for at least 6 months straight...every night without fail. I am finally sleeping a little better now, although I still freak out occasionally.
At almost a year old, we have just started to leave her to be babysat...which is a blessing for not only us but also for whoever gets to spend that time with Lucy. Before I had her, I thought that I would be able to leave her a lot earlier than I have, but with breast feeding and such a deep connection to her that I hadn't expected, it has only just become possible. To be honest, I didn't really ever want to be without her before. I still don't. But I have found it is good for both of us to have some time apart, she has fun and I get some me time.
But I have grown ready for some adults only time again. Our life for the past year has been Lucy centred, and so it should have been. She deserves that and we wouldn't have been able to do anything else. But as Greg and I watched How I Met Your Mother last night, curled up on the lounge after Lucy had gone to bed, we watched these friends (who are very similar to ours) get together at their local bar and just enjoy themselves, and for the first time in a long time, we longed to be with our friends, sans Lucy. Sans all babies. For one night only, just be together and have conversations that aren't about our children. To drink too much, tell stories and laugh loudly without the worries of baby monitors, being quiet for the sleeping bubs, or cleaning the bottles for tomorrows feeds. Without soaking bibs. Without sorting out the Child Care Benefit/Rebate. And without it being all about Lucy.
A selfish moment in time, I'll admit. And please, don't misunderstand this - nowhere in this moment was there any resentment or regret for our daughter that we chose after 5 years of marriage to bring into this world. Who we love with more emotion we thought possible. For those who know me or read this blog, you also know how devoted I am to my Lucy, how all consuming my love for her is. No, not resentment or regret.
But even though we have a baby, we are still here as people, individually Lauren and Greg, not just Lucy's mum and dad, although those positions are very precious. A simple yearning for our grown up lives to continue because we are still grown ups. The lives that allow us to hold intelligent conversations about things other than the colour/texture/smell of Lucy's poo, or how much she has eaten that day, and how many times she woke up last night.
She is the best, most exciting thing to have ever happened to us. And I feel mothers guilt for writing this blog today, because I would hate for your to misunderstand what I am saying. My love for her is all consuming, and my devotion to her is never ending, and her novelty will never wear off. I am no less the mother I was yesterday, and no less interested in her. When we became a family, our little threesome was perfect, and still is. But we have come to realise that while she is still the best and most exciting thing in our lives, that we also need other interests too.
Greg and I have a relationship that existed pre-Lucy. And she is a result of the love in our relationship. And it is important to me to maintain our relationship by investing time into it. Caring for Greg is just as important as caring for Lucy (although, I'm not going to be changing his pants any time soon!), and I feel that it is now time to make sure we spend some time together when we get the chance too. And allow Lucy to have fun with her family and friends and have an afternoon off from us occasionally too.
The love I have for Lucy and Greg can't compare. I love them both more than life itself. I loved Greg as a friend, then fell in love with him. And I never want there to be a time when he is not mine, and I am not his. The love I feel for Lucy blinds me against everything else. She was created by us. And I love Greg all the more for giving me the gift of Lucy.
But Lucy will grow up and leave our nest one day soon (it feels like it will be soon anyway...this past 12 months has flown by all too quickly!) and it will return to just me and Greg. And I want to know then that we love each other just as much as we do now, if not more. And that doesn't just happen. Because our relationship cannot be forgotten in the wonder that is Lucy and the seduction of making our lives all about/ and only about her. I want her to grow up seeing her mother and father not only giving their time to her, but also prioritising time for each other, and remembering to care for each other as a couple, aside from the fact that we are her parents.
So we are looking forward to some time spent together as grown ups in the future. Time where for just a few hours, or perhaps maybe even a night, it is about Greg and I again. Whether that's with our friends pretending to be as cool as Marshall, Lily, Barney, Ted and Robyn, or as a couple just enjoying each others company.
Of younger days gone by.
Ciao for now,
LG, Life's Great!
No comments:
Post a Comment