I've had a feeling of dread since Saturday morning when Lucy woke at 4am and cried for 90 minutes without relief. Rivers of snot poured out her little nose and she screamed even harder each time I tried to wipe it away. Poor little munchkin just wanted to sleep but couldn't breath through her nose. I did what I could and eventually cuddled her enough to calm her down and at 5.30 she finally drifted back off to sleep. Now Greg has been pulling some big hours this past few weeks helping out a mate and had planned to get up at 6am, instead he got up when Lucy went down. I worried that he would be too tired to make it to work safely, and too tired to make it home at the end of the day.
I got a message from him when I woke up - 'call me as soon as you wake up'. I don't know about you, but when I see something like that, I expect the absolute worst. My heart skipped a beat and I could dial his number quick enough. 'Honey, are you okay!?' 'Yeah, I need you to pick up something from work and bring it out at lunch time'. Bloody hell! And from that moment onwards, I was just waiting for something awful to occur.
It was one of those days, when you think about how lucky you have been lately and how you really should be due for some bad luck soon. Isn't that a shocking way to feel. Occasionally I will have days like this, when you just can't shake that horrid feeling of doom and gloom. Waiting for something horrendous to happen. Looking for things that you are sure are lurking just around the corner.
I have trouble seeing our future. And I don't mean in a psychic kind of way.... more in an imaginary kind of way. I use to dream of a house, a husband and children. And I have that, so perhaps I am not sure what to dream of next. And I have wondered if that could mean I may not have a long term future, that for some reason I am not destined to be here forever. And no, I am not depressed or suicidal, nor am I wishing this upon myself (thank you universe believers). I just have never imagined our life beyond the next 5 years or so and sometimes I wonder why I can't see it.
So with this tragic state of mind in place, I felt very grateful to get through yesterday safely and have no horrid news delivered. But I was still feeling a little cranky today, unable to shake this cloud of mild anxiety off my shoulders. It should have been a happy day. I had Greg home with us for the first time all week, we did a big shop at Costco (yay!) and Lucy was off to spend the afternoon with her uncle and auntie for a play, which meant that I had Greg all to myself. My brother and his girlfriend came and picked up Lucy in my car and off they went. And in true romantic style, Greg and I hit the bed immediately after Lucy left like any parents of an infant would....to sleep. Poor Greg had been pulling ridiculous hours all week, and I was tired from acting as a single mother all week (I don't know how you girls do it). So we cuddled up under the covered and crashed the moment our heads hit the pillow...only to be awoken very rudely by a knock at the front door not half an hour later.
Our first thought was shhhhh, don't move. We didn't care who it was, they were not going to interrupt our second afternoon alone together in almost a year. No way. And as they walked down the stairs, Greg peeked and got quite the surprise. It wasn't any friends or family of ours, not neighbours or do-gooders or salespeople.
It was the police.
Tell me what you think when you see the police in your front yard. Well, I'm not sure about you but my first thought was of Lucy. And my second was of my parents, who I know both have me listed as a contact in case of emergency. They left as quickly as they arrived, before we got a chance to get to the front door. And we were left wondering........why had they come.
We are law abiding citizens. We have no reason for them to visit out of the blue. We hadn't done anything wrong lately (ever). All I could think of were worst case scenarios. Mick and KJ had been in an accident with Lucy. Something had happened to Mum or Dad. What if it was news of Greg's parents. My heart was in my throat and I felt like vomiting.
So I thought I'd alleviate my stress by sending a quick message to my brother to make sure all was well. After 10 minutes with no response, my nerves got the better of me so I called his phone. Message bank. Doing my best to calm my pounding heart, I called KJ. Message bank. Just as I was about to call her business phone, Mick called me. And I have never been so pleased to see his name flash up on my phone. No problems, all was well, they had been playing with Lucy and she was doing great. Far out!
Greg had told me not to worry, that either the police had the wrong house or they were here for something else mundane. KJ called me a little while later to see if I knew why they had come. And you know what she said to me as we were discussing how scary it had been. 'Oh, hold on Lauren. Your mum has just turned up at our house with a box of tissues.....oh no. I'll go and find out what is going on.' And an excruciating few seconds passed when I felt my life being turned upside down by a host of imaginary dramas. And then I got an answer........'Oh no, its a book, not tissues! You're mum is fine!'
Bloody hell!
Talk about being on edge. All this waiting for something awful to happen was doing my head in, and those bloody cops popping past our house was just a nightmare. Then Mum looking like she was carrying tissues. And my daughter not being safe in my arms (although, clearly she was safe in their arms instead). BLOODY HELL!
Yet here I am on Sunday night, still safe with my love ones safe too. You can't live your life expecting shit to happen....because who knows when it will happen. I only know that it will happen eventually. Because we can't all live forever. And people near and dear to us do pass away from tragic sickness, old age, and shocking accidents. But expecting these things to happen doesn't bring them into fruition. Expecting them not to happen won't protect me from them either. All I can do is ride my feelings as they come and just know that when these moments do arrive, I hope to have the courage to weather those storms, and be a pillar of strength to others around me when their storms roll in.
My nerves are shot. I'm going to bed.
Ciao for now,
LG, Life's Great!
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