The juxtosposed self esteem

Get your mojo back!

Ever thought that the room lit up when you walked into it? That feeling that you are truly radiant, beautiful and confident? That heads turned when you spoke and people wanted to be near you? I have had that feeling many times in life. That sounds like the most conceited thing a person could say, but it's true. I have felt like the most beautiful actress on stage, the best singer in the room and the most animated and interesting friend at different points in time. Equally, I have also felt invisible occasionally too. 

I used to scare people. A friend at school will vouch for this statement. He was petrified of me. And not in the 'I'm scared because you're so beautiful' kind of way, but more in the 'I'm scared because i think you may actually physically hurt me' kind of way. Years later when my friend confessed this to me, first I laughed then I was appalled! I have never been in a fight! Why would he think this of me? And no people, the answer isn't because I lived in QBN! I still don't know exactly what it was about me that made him think I was violent, but it leaves me pondering......is this why I was voted in school captain? Perhaps my peers and my teachers thought that if they didn't give it to me I would have knee-capped the lot of them? Taken their lunch money and given them wedgies?

I have always hoped to be friendly, approachable, fun and interesting. Occupationally, I had hoped to do something that would have me known by many and not working very hard. I much prefer leisure to hard work...think I know which parent I took after. ;) I have tried my hat at various things and have always prided myself on making friends wherever I go. I am proud of this part of my character.Lately, I have had less of those glowing experiences where you feel yourself shining, and more of the experiences that leave me wanted to shy away from the lights and the answer is the simplest thing in the world. Confidence. 

I watched the Biggest Loser season start last night and found it hard to relate to many of their stories. While I am certainly overweight and have my struggles, I have loved myself for a long time now. I can endlessly list for you all the things that are amazing about me and I am very proud of who I am. Yet, I have struggled to care for myself physically and respect my health, which is why I shy away from the lights. I am embarrassed to have people see that I have not been working very hard on myself, even though I have clearly hard plenty of time to invest on a successful marriage, career, family, and friendship group. 

But loving yourself is not enough....you have to be CONFIDENT. Confident to try new things, to put yourself out there without the fear of being called Big Red (acceptance is the key, as my sister says), without worrying if people are embarrassed by your actions, and without being inhibited by your own limitations. 

As the years have gone by, I have placed myself inside a box of limitations....a box that has silly little subconscious rules:

1. I used to be more fun, silly and spontaneous ... but I'm the grown up Lauren now
2. Don't draw attention to yourself until you are back at looking your best
3. I will inherit other peoples limitations and fears regarding physical activity

But actually there just needs to be one rule in my life from now on... and that is if you are going to do it, do it CONFIDENTLY. Remember the girl who turns heads and don't be afraid to be that girl again. 

I want to thank my friends for giving me some awesome ideas to get started on finding a hobby. Burlesque dancing, singing lessons, join a choir, start a bake sale at the markets. I will give some of these things a go and let you know in future blogs how I go. 

And even though the thought of trying something new can be daunting I will go in guns blazing, because I will approach these challenges with as much confidence as I can muster. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Think powerful roar rather than girly scream)

Feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world on my wedding day xoxox

Ciao for now, 
LG, Life's Good!