No Regrets, Just Offense

The bold me...

I have been known to say some horrendous things in my day. Back in my fundamental era I once told my (non-christian) best friend that I normally would have thought that sleeping with several partners would be sinful, but in her case perhaps it was okay. Soooooo many things wrong with that sentence... And what about the good old 'Let me help you help yourself!' I'm pretty sure I have also said 'If only you were more like me'. CRINGE!

I told you previously that I don't say enough, that I live in the world of PC? Well, that is true for the most part... but that 5% occasionally comes out where I say something when perhaps I should have stayed quiet. I'm one of those people that likes to be real in the world, but sometimes for many true and fair reasons, people prefer me not to be.  I forget that everyone in the world doesn't see it with the same Lauren tinted glasses.In my family if you have a problem, you deal with it by going to the source of the problem and going from there. But not everyone wants that to happen.

There have also been many occasions when I have wanted to speak care, love, support and compassion into a situation...but have read it all wrong when the receiving party never wanted to hear those words in the first place. Or perhaps hearing those words are harder than anything else. It's like the most loving, tender and caring thing I can think of to say is the very thing that grates away at their soul, highlighting the pain and fear that lies beneath, rather than the old sweep it under the rug trick. I wish I had Wendy's knack for speaking the truth with love and compassion. I feel like I am always muffing it up.

So sometimes it's hard to be me. Because, as I'm sure many of you can bear witness, I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see. And when you ask me how I am, you'd better be ready for the answer - I'm about to tell you exactly how I feel. A few friends have thought this blog is brave and courageous, with this content being so true to me and who I am. Let me tell you - it's better I write it here in a more broad sense than offend yet another poor soul in my life.

But surely there are times when it is okay, even important to be honest? To be brave enough to put a voice to the very raw emotions and confusing thoughts running around in my head. To let people know, even if its too hard to hear right now, that they are loved beyond belief?

Because what if we don't say anything and the ONLY opportunity you will ever have just swung by without action, and you are now left regretful for the rest of your life. What is worse? Your regret or the awkward moment created by raw emotion? I don't know. Sometimes, I am willing to take the hit and will sit with regret on my shoulders for years to come. But other times I will not let it lie. I will take the chance and say what I need to, to sleep better at night and to know that even though it too may have come like a punch in the throat, I hope you see through my abrasiveness and boldness, and sometimes perhaps inappropriateness, to know that deep love is the source of such an intrusion.

But today, it is simply too hard to keep quiet. So I will say it here instead. I hope you know who you are....and that this comes from the very bottom of my heart, a heart filled with love for you.

I want to be able to speak honestly with you. To tell you how scared I am right now of what the future has to bring. To tell you that your peace and acceptance are an inspiration to me. To say that I love you and will miss you terribly should you ever leave. To say that I am a better person for knowing you, and that everyday I am thankful for you in my life. To make sure you know that you have taught me much about living a full, fun and adventurous life, enjoying all the seconds of every day as much as you possibly can. That our tears and laughs will never be forgotten and that I hope we have many more to come. And that I hope you can understand that I can't pretend it's not the case anymore, even though I so wish it was, with every bone in my body.

Ciao for now,
LG, Life's Good!